Quite a league of unextraordinary gentlemen

IT seems courts have become theatres of political spectacle.

Last week, the epic show moved to South Africa where former President Jacob Zuma — or JZ — was hauled to court facing a laundry list of allegations, from fraud, bribery, racketeering and money laundering over an offence that allegedly happened 22 years ago.

You might remember how this man from Nkandla (KwaZulu-Natal) was hounded out of office after he was condemned as South Africa’s high priest of corruption.

Julius Malema’s militant Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF), which anointed itself as South Africa’s righteous anti-corruption crusader, led the charge and went gung-ho for Zuma’s scalp.

It even composed a slogan — “Pay Back the Money!” — which was turned into a theme song to harass the former president each time they could.

And the contempt, passion, fury, anger, zeal and zest with which they pursued Zuma would have made one believe they were prepared to lynch him in broad daylight if they got the chance.

But now that Msholozi, who is no stranger to controversy after his 2006 rape trial, is on the ropes, guess who comes to his rescue — Yes, Advocate Dali Mpofu, a senior member of the same EFF.

It must not be forgotten that Mpofu, who once made a controversial photo-op trip to Harare in 2018 professedly to join young Nelson Chamisa’s legal team for the Presidential election petition, was chair of EFF at the material time the fledgling political party was going after Zuma.

How a supposedly righteous man would join the legal team defending someone he thought unconscionably abominable and objectionable really boggles the mind.

It reminded Bishop Lazi of how Tendai Biti and Gideon Gono’s acrimonious relationship remarkably morphed into a budding “bromance” in a five short years.

In March 2008, Biti, who is known to have a loud, foul mouth and sharp tongue, had to use some of his choicest uncharitable words to brutishly tear into Gono, who was Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe (RBZ) Governor then.

“There shall be gnashing of teeth. There is going to be reason for panic and fear for those who looted public funds . . . We ask Gono: Where are you going to be when we come asking for you?” he thundered, adding: “Will your name be there in the book? . . . Gono is an economic saboteur, terrorist and number one Al Qaeda who deserves to be shot by a firing squad.”

Argh!!! Kikikiki.

Gono, who Biti once described as the “quintessential embodiment of corruption”, was, however, never shot by a firing squad.

As it turned out, the former central bank chief actually subsequently hired an obliging and dutiful Biti — who was then secretary-general of the MDC-T — to defend him when his former advisor at the central bank, Munyaradzi Kereke, accused him of corruption in 2013.

Isn’t it ironic?

We also had the curious case of another opposition politician, Job Sikhala, defending Walter Mzembi, who had been arrested in January 2018 for alleged corruption.

Some say the burly lawyer was prepared to get his client off the hook by hook or crook, but particularly by crook.

This might seem plausible if you consider that on January 28, 2019, Sikhala told a Harare court his client could not possibly be expected to face trial as he was on his deathbed.

“The circumstances are beyond all of us. I had to fly to South Africa to get my own personal assessment of the condition of my client on Saturday and my client is seriously indisposed to stand trial. Accused will not be able to stand trial, not in the near future. Join us in prayer so that he gets through this. It is something very serious and on the next date I don’t think anything would have changed,” he said at the time.

Kikikiki.

Except Mzembi did not only “survive” but he is really living it up in South Africa, from where he routinely displays his ostentatious and fabulous lifestyle on social media in a symbolic middle-finger gesture to those who want to bring him to justice.

It is not only Biti and Sikhala who enjoyed this dubious distinction of lawyering for men they viewed as living and breathing symbols of a rotten political system they were sworn to upend, but other MDC politicians such as Welshman Ncube, who was prepared to defend ex-vice president Phelekezela Mphoko, were also part of the shameless bandwagon.

But the convenient fairy-tale “bromance” between Welshman and Mphoko ended in tears, as they later brawled over some funds released by Choppies Supermarkets after the business severed ties with the ex-ZANU PF politician.

You simply cannot make this stuff up.

In short, these are the fickle political species that make up what we call opposition political parties in Zimbabwe, who are prepared to take over the reins of power.

Baba’ngu Shava!!! Kikikiki.

Political Amoebas

But, the Bishop chose these elaborate anecdotes to highlight an unmistakable mosaic pattern of lies, deceit, chicanery and even outright shamelessness from some of our lawyer friends who want to pretend to be unimpeachable disciples of decency, righteousness and morality when they are nothing more than political amoebas that are driven by self-interest.

For those who don’t know what an amoeba is, well, it is simply a single-celled organism that changes its shape and form to move in any direction to find food.

Hypocrites!!!

They camouflage their real intentions in high-sounding ideals such as constitutionalism, human rights, democracy, which they are only prepared to uphold insofar as they serve their interests.

Last week, Bishop Lazi had to use thoughtful philosophical insights from Friedrich Nietzsche’s work, “Beyond Good and Evil”, to help explain that some seemingly noble agendas are driven by ignoble motives.

“In spite of all the value which may belong to the true, the positive, and the unselfish, it might be possible that a higher and more fundamental value for life generally should be assigned to pretence, to the will to delusion, to selfishness, and cupidity,” further observed Nietzsche, adding: “It might even be possible that WHAT constitutes the value of those good and respected things, consists precisely in their being insidiously related, knotted, and crocheted to these evil and apparently opposed things — perhaps even in being essentially identical with them.”

It’s even worse if these hypocrites are ideologically-bankrupt, rudderless and unhinged political parties that are competing to capture State power.

With neither any recognisable ideals nor compelling and competing national vision to sell to the electorate, they only hold on to opposing — however irrational it might be — everything and anything.

Opposing is their only political creed and manifesto.

They even wittingly or unwittingly oppose the same values and heritage that define their being, including the sovereignty of the very country they wishfully think they will one day govern.

Doom

As Bishop Lazi told you last week, nothing currently binds the opposition together other than sharing the same totem of being lawyers.

Considering their past behaviour, how do you think Tendai Biti, Welshman Ncube, Job Sikhala and Nelson Chamisa — quite a league of unextraordinary gentlemen — are likely to relate in the not-so-distant future when political temperatures are cranked up, especially without an ideological adhesive to hold them together. Kikikiki.

Fractures, which are currently held together by a band aid, currently exist, and they are likely to get sore when the political heavy-lifting begins, as it most assuredly will.

Put simply, the current conclave of ambitious lawyers calling itself a political party under Chamisa — whatever new name it will assume — is built on shifting sand.

You only have to read Matthew 7:24-29 to see how it will all end: “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

And this is how it is likely to end for the league of unextraordinary gentlemen.

Bishop out!