Moffat Mungazi
Dear Tete Joyie:
I have been married for the past seven years, but I have caught my husband cheating with the same woman for the past three years. Confronting him has not helped at all. He always promises that he will leave her and focus on us his family. I have tried counselling and talking to his family, but he is not changing. How do I know if there is still love?
Tete Joyie says: I feel the weight of what you are carrying.
Three years of betrayal layered over seven years of marriage—it is not just painful, it is exhausting. And the fact that you have tried counselling, opened up to his family, and still see no change… that speaks volumes about your strength and commitment. You have fought for your marriage. You have shown up. But love real, mutual love should not leave you feeling alone in the fight.
So how do you know if there’s still love?
Here are a few ways to reflect:
Signs of Genuine Love vs Habit or Control
Genuine Love
He takes accountability and makes consistent changes
He prioritises your emotional well-being
He shows up for the relationship without being pushed
He respects your boundaries and rebuilds trust
You feel emotionally safe and valued
Emotional Manipulation / Habit
He apologises, but repeats the same behaviour
He gaslights or deflects blame
He only reacts when confronted or threatened
He expects forgiveness without earning it
You feel anxious, neglected, or disrespected
If what you are experiencing is more about promises than actions, more about cycles than healing, then it i’s worth asking: is he loving you, or is he loving the comfort of being loved by you?
A Deeper Question: Is he capable of the kind of love you need?
Sometimes people say: “I love you”, but their version of love is broken, selfish, or immature. That does not mean you are unlovable, it means they are not equipped to love you the way you deserve.
What you might explore next
Reclaim your emotional clarity: Journaling, solo therapy, or even a wellness retreat could help you reconnect with your own needs outside the relationship.
Ask yourself what love feels like to you: Is it safety? Loyalty?
Partnership? If your current reality doesn’t reflect that, then maybe the love you’re holding onto is more about hope than truth.
Consider your healing timeline: You’ve already endured three years of this pattern. What would your life look like if the next three years were focused on you?
The cost of parental absence in pursuit of a better life
Dear Tete Joyie:
Hope I find you well. My story goes like this: my brother and his wife went overseas to look for greener pastures, and they left their three children in my custody. They promised that they will come for the kids after six months, but they are now giving excuses after excuses. I have my family and three kids. The load of six children is putting a huge strain on me. My husband has suggested that we send them to their mother’s side of the family, but when I engaged them no one seems to be interested in taking them in. Their parents; it is always promises after promises, and they are no coming to get them. How do I best deal with this.
Tete Joyie says:
You have stepped into a role that most would not dare take on, and you have done it with heart. But even the strongest shoulders can buckle under the weight of broken promises and unshared responsibility. You are, not just raising six children, you are holding together two families, emotionally and logistically, while your own needs are being stretched thin.
Let us break this down into a few steps that can help you reclaim some control and clarity:
1. Clarify your boundaries
You have done more than your part. It is time to define what you can realistically continue to offer without compromising your own family’s well-being.
Write down what support you can sustainably provide (e.g., shelter, food, school fees).
Decide what is no longer feasible emotionally, financially, or logistically.
Communicate this clearly to your brother and his wife. Not as a threat, but as a reality check.
2. Draft a formal message to the parents
Sometimes people respond differently when things are put in writing. You could send a respectful but firm message that outlines:
The original agreement and how it has been broken.
The current strain on your household.
A request for a clear plan and timeline for their return or alternative arrangements.
A deadline for response or action.
If you would like, I can help you draft that message.
3. Have an honest conversation with your husband
He is feeling the strain too, and it is important that you are aligned. You might explore:
What kind of support he is willing to offer short-term.
Whether you both agree on a timeline for transitioning the children elsewhere.
How to protect your own children’s emotional and financial stability.
4. Protect your peace
You are a nurturer by nature, but you are lso human. This situation is, not just logistical, it is emotional. You might consider:
A short solo retreat or wellness day to recharge.
Journaling or therapy to process the resentment, guilt, or fatigue.
Reminding yourself that setting boundaries is not abandonment its survival.
You have already proven your love and loyalty. Now it is time to protect your energy and your household.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous.
Online Reporter