adminIn many cases, married people have endured, instead of enjoying, marriage to an extent where things turn totally awful. The writer decided to take a scuba-dive into this issue of divorce as a follow-up to the alleged murder of a woman by her husband in Mpopoma, Bulawayo, recently.
Apostle Sarah Nyathi, co-founder of Pentecostal church, Harvest House International, and president of Maximised Lifestyle International and 100 Club, said some people get into marriage with skewed perceptions of what real marriage is all about. She said marriage is not a feeling but a commitment. Marriage does not work itself out, she said, but involves parties working towards its betterment to avoid divorce.
Maximised Lifestyle International is a group of women with a passion to carry out social responsibility programmes in the community.
She said marriage takes hard work, sacrifice, compromise and commitment on both parties to make it succeed. The opposite of that has, in many cases, led to divorce. She said the biggest problem with most married couples of today was that they had a Hollywood image of marriage, which is simply unreal. When those Hollywood hopes are not fulfilled the battle starts, leading to divorce.
Unresolved conflicts, which in turn lead to misunderstandings and bitterness, have led to divorce. Bottling bitterness often results in domestic violence, which in worst cases leads to death.
Those facing problems in marriages, Apostle Nyathi said, should seek help from a third party. Arbitration could be sought from spiritual leaders, senior family members or trained independent counsellors.
Divorce or parents having skirmishes has profound effects on their children. Generally, children draw security from parents but when that institution crumbles, they tend to grow up to be fearful, insecure and in many cases, suffer emotional abuse. Before one is tied to marriage, they should have a right motive as to why they want to marry. Some people just get into it with a wrong motive like wanting to have material wealth which in most cases cannot be attained from a spouse.
In the case of Goodman Nyoni (33), who allegedly murdered his wife, Miriam Nyoni (nee Takavingofa) in Mpopoma, their children are likely to live with indelible mental scars of seeing their mother being exterminated. This could impact negatively on the psychological development of those children.
The alleged killer and his children should undergo proper psychiatric counselling which will help them understand that there is more to life than the incident they saw.
The future has always been pregnant with potential and possibilities for improvement!
The Zimbabwe Women Lawyers Association (ZWLA) in a brochure on women, domestic violence and HIV/Aids says:
“Domestic violence is so widespread in Zimbabwe that it is believed that one in every four women has experienced domestic violence of a physical nature in her lifetime.”
Some women suffer in silence even if they are abused. This is due to women having limited access to education and opportunities of self-development which makes them remain tied to their husbands despite being violated and victimised.
The ZWLA further adds that “. . . women in abusive relationships may be unable to negotiate contraceptive use or may attempt to use contraceptives without being detected. This means that they are unable to use the contraceptives correctly and consistently as they live in fear of further violence if their husbands discover their contraceptive use. This means that women are more likely to have unplanned pregnancies and other pregnancy related complications.”
If one finds themselves in such situations, they often opt for divorce but Mrs Chipo Bhebhe, a member of ZWLA in Bulawayo, says that at times divorce is not the ultimate solution since some people are still experiencing that violence even after divorce or separation. People in marriage should find an amicable way to find a solution and a win-win situation.
In 2007, Zimbabwe passed into law the Domestic Violence Act, which seeks to protect and give relief to victims of domestic violence — male, female or children. Under this law, domestic violence entails physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse, economic abuse, intimidation, harassment et cetera.
Domestic violence is a social ill which has tortured, tormented and disturbed many Zimbabweans and continues to rise despite the enactment of the Domestic Violence Act. Besides that, there is a great possibility that most people are not aware of it since advocacy strategies are mainly in urban centres where communication is easy because of more communication technologies, but weak in the countryside. Some people, especially the rural woman and the illiterate, could find this law of little use.
It is true that the honeymoon stage obscures a lot since it would be mainly love based on what one feels at that moment. As time goes on, there is a drifting away which could eventually lead to a separation if not checked. To keep the love ablaze, couples just need to invest in each other by doing things together and spending most of their time together.
When is divorce the best thing to do? Could it be when you know deep in your heart that you did everything you could to make it work but all efforts have failed and the chances of getting better have fizzled away? God says He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). The choice is up to an individual and the end should be correctly and critically weighed if one thinks of quitting marriage.
Many people have been brutalised. Marriages have been mauled and marred. Relationships in families have turned bitterer than bile thereby fracturing the family fabric. Some people have thought to call it quits to marriage, but does all this bring a better solution? Certainly no. I feel that the sanctity of marriage must be upheld.
If you ever thought of raising your hand to beat the cheek of your spouse which you once kissed, just think twice. If you thought divorce was an option think of the future of those kids! The future generations could be at stake. It takes a heart with love and compassion!
*Jonah Nyoni is a development journalist and a motivational speaker.
He can be contacted on w-mail: [email protected] Web: www.jonahnyoni.blogspot.com or 0772 581 918
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