Silence can kill a marriage

Auntie Charity

SILENCE is a marriage breaker, one of this column’s followers reminded me of how I once touched on communication in marriages and they looked forward to me continuing the subject as they were going through something. They claim reading the article on communication improved their marriage as they presented the article to the eyes they wanted to have a read and on the very same Sunday night they talked and realised that their problems were nothing communication could not solve.

So our conversation unfolded and took a twist, so they opened up on how silence nearly killed their marriage. I am sure there are lots of couples who face the very same situation and you might be surprised to learn that there are also many reasons that this silent treatment occurs.

It has become popular to think in terms of “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” While there is some truth to the variations in the ways that males and females have been raised, it turns out that our gender differences are far more biologically driven than this theory supports.

By silence, I am talking about the times and ways that we suppress our opinions, thoughts and feelings from each other in any situation. There can be any combination of a thousand reasons that people become silent toward each other. Whatever the reason, withholding our feelings and emotions from each other is a sure relationship killer. Our feelings are being suppressed and kept tucked down inside, a silent marriage does not argue as it looks fine from the outside, sometimes even to the couple.

However, while things look fine, distance is growing and separating the couple. True feelings are not being expressed on one or both sides of the relationship, there is still interaction but all the while the walls of division are multiplying.

This issue of being silent in marriage goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. Adam remained silent while the serpent deceived Eve, he never said a thing as he chose to turn a deaf ear to what the snake was saying. He knew what God had previously spoken to him about and it appears he even conveyed it to Eve, but when he heard the serpent lying and deceiving Eve, he just sat by silently.

He did not object loudly, he did not demand that the lying deceiving serpent stops talking to his wife, he did not tell her how he felt about her talking to this intruder who had invited themselves into the garden invading their privacy, he just sat silently.

As a result, she ate the fruit and gave it to her husband “who was there with her,” and with it came shame and the need to lie to cope with the consequences. Therefore silence killed their union and destroyed all the plans God had for them as they had sinned and eaten the forbidden fruit.

Likewise, in modern marriages, regardless of gender, misplaced silence brings in a host of strain and confusion. Where there is silence, there is room for speculation, doubt and false assumptions. When we do not object because it may cause unwanted consequences, or we bite our tongue because, well, we will not be understood or appreciated anyway, then we better brace for the consequences of distance and separation that are sure to follow.

It is because of silence that a wife falsely concludes her husband does not notice a new outfit or hairstyle. It is because of silence that a husband concludes, “She does not care about what is going on with me”.

Sometimes the reason for silence is merely the fact that one is afraid of the conversation that may reveal things that are mostly feared or confront things people would rather not talk about.

Too many a time we almost never make great decisions from a position of fear. If you have a genuine, practical reason why the discussion would be more productive at another time that is fine.

However, running from a talk because you are afraid of the outcome is not healthy, and may even make the situation worse.
Some people in marriages keep secrets, keeping secrets even about our own hurt feelings or disappointment is never a relationship-builder. The more you “bottle” your irritation about little things, the more difficult it will become to feel open and at ease with your husband.

Be smart by talking about the little conflicts so you can let them go. Even if you have to agree to disagree on some things, you will feel better knowing that your feelings are on the record. They are suppressed, and those who would tell them are silenced in the name of “marriage equality.” You are silently doing all of your venting to someone else if you keep it bottled up and not sharing.

Loyalty is a huge component of a good marriage. Even when your spouse lets you down or makes you mad, give him a chance to realise it and respond, rather than scraping him over the coals to someone else.

Everyone needs advice from a wise friend from time to time, but if you are routinely talking to others about your marriage problems more than you talk to your spouse about them, then that on its own is a problem.

A good marriage does not only depend on sexual desire, which can come and go and is often out of our control. It depends on choosing to love, honour, and be faithful to one person, forsaking all others. Thanks for bringing up this matter, now you got me expanding; good communication is certainly a keystone to a solid relationship.

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