Sis Noe: I’m being stalked by a woman who I once promised to marry

Hi Sis Noe
I am a girl aged 17 dating a 23-year-old; he wants to get me pregnant so that I don’t leave him. What should I do? — Confused.

Reply
At 17 I am not sure you understand what you are getting yourself into. If you have a child now you are going to miss out on a lot of things, you are too young, live it up while you can. While having a child is the best thing in the world, it is also a full time job. When you have a child, there is no going back. The baby will come first; not you, not your boyfriend — the child comes first – 24 hours a day, seven days a week. A baby can wait until you are married. It is selfish for this man to want to impregnate you so that you do not leave him. Don’t count on this guy; he can talk all he wants now but many guys split after the baby is born. Just wait, you won’t regret waiting, plus you will be able to give the baby a better life if you are married with a stable job and education.

Hi Sis Noe
I am 20 and he is 27, we are in the process of getting married. The problem is that he rarely sleeps in the house; he is always drunk but says he loves me. I feel like he will play run away groom, should I continue with him or what? — Please help.

Reply
Your miserable time with this guy has given you a glimpse of the kind of marriage you will have with him. You are watching your married life unfold right in front of you before you have even gone through with it. What you are seeing is not so great, is it? Well if you don’t pay attention to what it’s telling you, you will have a really mediocre and unfulfilling life ahead. Your husband-to-be is doing everything he can to avoid life — the alcohol, lack of intimacy and affection — these are all escapes from his life, part of which is you. He is showing you who he is right now, someone that runs from his dissatisfying life outcome, instead of someone that takes it by the reins and changes it into something that is rewarding and fulfilling.

Does someone that runs from problems sound like the right partner to take on the challenges of life with? This guy hides his head in the sand like an ostrich when problems arise and you will be divorced before you know it. Seriously, you are marrying an irresponsible man and I can guarantee you two have already grown out of the relationship whether you wish to admit it or not. You deserve more than this guy. It is through experiences with a variety of different people that you gather a better understanding of who is in fact the right person for you, not trying to change one of your first serious relationships into what you want — which will most likely end in frustration. He is not the right man for you.

Hi Sis Noe
My daughter’s boyfriend is always busy and never around. I think he has another woman and might be married. How can I make my daughter see this? On holidays he is never around and I think he will be with his family but he says he will be working. All holidays Sis Noe? — Worried.

Reply
Clearly, your daughter is so desperate to cling on to her boyfriend that she will turn the other cheek or fall for any line he throws her. I suspect that in her heart, she knows that he is playing games. But if she is not willing to admit the truth to herself or give up on him yet, you have to step back. I understand that it’s upsetting to watch her making mistakes, but it’s her choice to live this way — even if you have to pick up the pieces later on. Be there for her when she finally wakes up to realise that her dream is a nightmare.

Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend wants us to have sex twice a day. It’s too much for me but he doesn’t understand. He told me he would hire a prostitute if I don’t satisfy him in bed. I used to enjoy sex but because of this I don’t anymore. — Worried.

Reply
When he said he would hire a prostitute I hope he was drunk or momentarily mad because such a threat cannot be taken lightly. I don’t see how you can come back from being threatened like this. Clearly you are willing to negotiate with your partner, but it takes two to reach an agreement and if he refuses to compromise then why are you still with him? If you really think this relationship deserves a second chance, talk to him away from the bedroom and make it clear that you are a human being with feelings and limitations. Suggest a “contract” whereby you have sex every other day. If that is not good enough for him, think very carefully about your sexual health, your mental wellbeing and your future with a partner who only seems to care about himself. On the other hand, I don’t think sex twice a day is too much. Unless you are not that into it. Have days where you give in to his demands.

Hi Sis Noe
My ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend is always calling me asking what her new man likes and so forth. Recently she called and asked if we could be friends. I don’t want to because I think she is crossing the line. — Help

Reply
She is a nutcase. Sorry to say it but this woman seems to have a screw loose in her head. This woman is not your responsibility. Calmly explain that you can’t help and she is not to call you again, but don’t be tempted to ring your ex and give him a piece of your mind. Cutting ties with him was clearly a smart move and you owe it to yourself to keep walking.

Hi Sis Noe
I’m being stalked by a woman who I once promised to marry. We worked together 10 years ago and were very close for a while. She has recently come back into my life and keeps saying we should get together. She’s making my life a misery. What should I do? — Tormented.

Reply
Get tough with this lady and explain to her that you are not the answer to her problems. Maybe you did promise to marry her — it’s possible that you said all sorts of things — but you can’t be held to that proposal 10 years down the line. The reality is that you are not in love with each other and you have your own life to live. I get the impression that she is clutching at straws in the hope she will break you down. Unfortunately, if she starts to make a real nuisance of herself, you will have to consider reporting her to the police for harassment. Hopefully it won’t come to that, but it’s vital that you are firm, honest and resolute about your determination not to marry someone that you are not committed to.

Hi Sis Noe
I am scared that my boyfriend is going to dump me because I think I’m boring. I can’t help myself but I keep asking him if he loves me. I feel so insecure. — Scared.

Reply
You’ve got to calm down or you’ll be in danger of turning your fears into self-fulfilling prophecies. If you lack confidence, how can you expect your beleaguered partner to respect and understand you? He’s told you that he loves you and isn’t going anywhere, so don’t insult him by constantly repeating the question. Challenge yourself this year with a project that will give you a sense of fulfillment — but do speak to your GP if you’re struggling to cope.