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Whether anyone likes it or not, divorce, remarriage, and therefore, stepparents are a reality—even in Christian families.
The fact that divorce causes a great deal of pain for adults is sad.
The fact that divorce causes even more pain for children of broken homes is sadder still. However, refusing to face the fact that this problem exists will not help.
Christian children live with stepparents for a variety of reasons. For some, it is because their parents came to Christ after suffering the agony of divorce. For others, it is because Christian parents divorced and remarried with biblical grounds. For others still, it may even be because Christian parents divorced and remarried without biblical grounds.
Regardless of the circumstances that preceded a stepparent situation, what is done is done.
This article is not meant to assign guilt, but rather to learn why a special kind of friction exists in a stepparent home, and to discover some practical ways to make the best of what is, frankly, a less-than-ideal situation.
There are certain unique problems common to stepparent households. What are they?
A few of the most common include children who resent stepparents and therefore have an attitude that (whether verbally or not) says, “You are not my mother/father; I don’t have to listen to you!
Then there are stepparents who are sure that their spouses are far too lenient on their own biological children. And of course, there are the biological parents who cannot understand why their mates are such strict and overbearing stepparents.
While each of these three is a generality, they are most generally true in epidemic proportions.
Generalities
Biological parents in a stepparent household are generally too lenient. There are understandable reasons for this. The first is that as a biological parent, there is a tenderness towards the child that only the biological parent has.
This concern is often compounded by the biological parent’s compassion for the child because of all he or she has been through during the divorce, and the time spent in a single-parent home.
If only Christian parents would understand that the perfect demonstration of love involves firm discipline, as well as tender affection.
The second reason biological parents tend to be too lenient is fear that the child will prefer the other biological parent. Biological parents, whether they realise it or not, are often found competing for their child’s love.
The fear that the child will want to live more permanently with the other biological parent looms large in these parents’ minds, even if they are not conscious of it—or worse—even if they deny it.
Third, biological parents are often too lenient because they are trying to compensate for the fact that the stepparent is too strict. While it is a human response, perfect love does not do wrong to compensate for another wrong. Perfect love simply does what is right.
This is something that biological parents in a stepparent home must face and deal with.
If the stepparent is too strict, the biological parent should discuss and seek to resolve the matter with the stepparent, rather than overcompensating with an overly lenient hand with the child. Why? Because more than likely, this will only exacerbate the problem, pushing the stepparent to be even more strict, if not resentful.
Stepparents are generally too strict
There are understandable reasons for this, as well. The first is that the stepparent has a more objective eye. Because he or she does not have the same kinds of tender feelings for the child that drive the biological parent, he or she is moved less by feelings and more by facts.
Third, stepparents tend to be too strict because some actually grow to resent the stepchild. While in few cases is this a conscious attitude demonstrated in vicious or malicious manner, for some, the stepchild is a reminder of the child’s other biological parent, their spouse’s previous mate.
This can be made worse if the ex-spouse is also a source of aggravation in the marriage.
In addition, there is a subtle tendency to resent the little person who interrupts some of the freedom the marriage may otherwise enjoy.
A further complication may be introduced if and when children are born into a stepparent household. While few, if any, will ever admit or even realise it, many stepparents will show some degree of favouritism towards his or her own children over their stepchildren.
Stepchildren know how to manipulate both parents, and they generally do—whether consciously or not. Children may be cute and lovable, but they can also be sinners.
Regardless of age, they can naturally do what is necessary to gain personal advantage.
Practical keys to harmonious living in a stepparent family.
Counsel for biological parents
Your role is key. After all, you are the one who is responsible to God for your children. Here are three bits of advice that I believe are crucial for your success.
First, keep your priorities in order
Biological parents must love and respect their spouses (Ephesians 5:22-33), while being responsible before God for their children (Ephesians 6:4).
This is not to say that we are to love our children less than our mates. Hopefully, we love them equally, but differently. This is not a matter of assigning degrees of love as much as it is a matter of assigning priorities.
As the biological parent in a stepparent household, you have a responsibility to your children that predates, and therefore must in some ways come before your relationship with your spouse. This is not to say you are to love your children more than you love your spouse. It is to say that your primary responsibility to your child requires certain priorities to be given to your child, even ahead of your mate.
When stepparents love their spouses unselfishly, as they ought, they will understand and encourage their spouses to see to the needs of the children.
Respect and support your spouse
Remember that the biological parent has a relationship with that child the predates yours. Respect and support your spouse’s leadership in your stepchild’s life. Never dispute, or in any other way, undermine the parental leadership of the biological parent in the eyes of the stepchild. If a decision concerning the child is made by the biological parent that you feel you must discuss with him or her, speak to the biological parent privately, never in the presence of the child. And even then, remember that the child’s parent is ultimately responsible to God for that child; you are not.
Counsel for stepchildren
Children must honour and obey their parents (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1-3).
In a slightly different way, children are to respect and be subject to adults (1 Peter 5:5). Stepparents may not be parents, but they are adults and therefore deserve a measure of respect and obedience. Unless a person in authority is commanding you to do what God forbids, or forbidding you to do what God commands, you are to obey those in authority (1 Peter 2:13-14).— gbcmpk.org
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