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Arthur Marara
Point Blank
My desire is to see healthy relationships and stronger marriages.
This starts by realising that we all have the responsibility to work on our relationships/marriages. N oone is coming to change your marriage or relationship for you.
I want to continue with the part I promised last week though with a different heading.
Marriage is a wonderful thing. I admire how some of our parents were able to stick together and aged gracefully.
Some are even privileged to have grandparents who are still together and have spent decades together. I am positive that if we ask for the success secrets we can glean one or two lessons.
The rate of divorce in Zimbabwe is worrying.
These statistics are public and available for everyone. There is no difference between Christians and non-Christians, as the rate at which people who claim to be Christians in the divorce court is now very high.
I was looking at the Court roll for the High Court of Zimbabwe for Harare alone, you are talking of over 30 cases on the unopposed roll in the Family Court.
For those who do not know, the unopposed roll means that parties are consenting to the grant of the decree of divorce, and in some instances some parties have deliberately decided not to oppose the order sought.
These are not the last cases, the High Court in Bulawayo, Mutare, Masvingo, and most recently Chinhoyi are seized with these matters also.
But where are people going wrong?
Why are people divorcing, and sometimes divorcing after several years of marriage, with a good number of children and even grandchildren?
This instalment continues from the previous article, and it is my hope that it will make sense and help you make different and better decisions that can help you in your relationship or marriage.
Painful truth! – Don’t ignore the signs
If people have shown you their true colours, do not repaint them. Do you know that the majority of people knew at the time of marriage or a relationship that they were marrying or dating the wrong person?
I once said this and someone responded angrily at me asking how someone could walk with their eyes wide open into a wrong marriage or relationship.
I have handled a couple of divorce matters, and one of the questions that I often ask is what went wrong.
The answer that I get is often connected to how the relationship started, and how some of the signs that are causing the break up, actually started manifesting during the dating stage.
Why do people walk into potentially failing marriages or relationships with their eyes wide open? The truth is that many people switch off their brains during dating, and only rely on their emotions.
While emotions, and “love” are important, these should not be the only decisive factor. There are several warning signs, which are often ignored by people “madly” in love.
Due to the fact that many people are driven by emotions and feelings, they are quick to dismiss these in the name of “they will change”.
Some people start showing signs of infidelity before they even get married? Ask some people who have been cheated in marriage.
Do not ignore warning signs. These are for your protection. If you seek to protect your feelings now, you will be hurt later.
Do you know some people are beaten by their boyfriends, and they ignore this simply because someone has “apologised?”.
These are warning signs. Some people drink uncontrollably before marriage. If you do not want to be married to someone who drinks that much, this is a warning sign.
A person can see that their spouse to be, does not like his or her relatives, but chooses to ignore this hoping that he or she will change.
Some people experience abuse before marriage, and again “hope” that he or she will change.
Some even say they will pray for their future spouse to change.
You have failed to change your own brother or sister with prayer, why do you think it will work for a stranger? If you are single and enduring a relationship, run out of it.
I am not being negative, I am actually being positive. Your life becomes better the moment you let go of other people out of your life.
The moment you let go of the wrong people in your life you create room for the right people to come into your life.
The reason why people are ending up with the wrong people is because we become so engrossed, and focused on the wrong person, such that we cannot even look at the right ones in front of us.
Why you actually need to break certain relationships is explained below.
People do not change
“He will change”, “she will change”.
This is a common and most abused statement. Every time people are trying to defend their partners, this is the statement that they often dish out.
How you start a relationship is important. I am a very positive person, so do not misconstrue my statement above.
If you are in a relationship, not yet married, you need to keep that wisdom in mind, “people do not change”, and you cannot change a person.
It’s only God who can change a person.
What point am I driving to? If there is something that you do not like about the person you are dating, are you willing to live with that in the marriage?
If you are not willing, leave the relationship.
People do not change, so choose a person with imperfections you are willing to live with.
Find an imperfect person who is willing to live perfectly with your imperfections.
Cheaters will always cheat because they are cheaters, not necessarily because of you. You cannot convert a cheater into an honest person. Leave cheaters alone, or leave them to get other cheaters.
Some people go into depression when they are cheated, thinking they were the reason for the cheating. Come on, a cheater cheats because he or she is a cheater.
Look at the rate of cheating today.
Some people appear happy, and all are cheating on their partners. Some even appear dignified and all sorted up in life, but have some dark secrets in their life which they cannot even think of confessing.
Marry right
People marry for the wrong reasons. I am alive to the fact that what constitutes “right or wrong” reasons depends with the individual concerned.
Often what pushes you into a marriage or relationship determines whether or not you stay in it or out of it. Maybe the times have changed, I know of people who married when they did not have anything but managed to work their lives, and became respected people in the community.
These are some of the success stories that I always enjoy hearing. Nowadays, it is not uncommon for people to deliberately marry for someone’s economic status.
People are now getting married because they want to run away from poverty.
There are some couples which are very curious when you look at them. People marry because someone is a celebrity, or is talented.
Do not marry someone because of their gifts. What if they decide to stop performing or doing what attracted you in the first place?
Do not marry gifts, do not marry professions, and do not marry money.
These things can disappear.
Some marry because they are lonely. Do not marry in order to cure loneliness; you can still be lonely in a marriage.
There are many people who are lonely in marriage right now. Marry because of aloneness. This is different from “loneliness.”
Every relationship goes through turbulence, and what often sees you through the turbulence is the reason why you got together in the first place.
Looks will not save your marriage, when it has been shaken.
As a matter of fact, thousands of beautiful people are divorcees, and you often wonder what happened?
Talents will not save you, that is why Hollywood has thousands of gifted people, with defunct relationships.
There are musicians who even perform some romantic songs, yet their own music is not saving their own relationships.
Why are you in a relationship or why do you want to be in one?
Deep down inside, you know the true answer to the above question.
For some people the answer is “I don’t know”. Shocking as it might appear, that is actually a very true answer.
There are people who have been married for years, and they do not even know why they got married in the first place.
There are people who are in directionless, uninspiring, confused, energy sucking relationships, and they do not even know why they ended up with the people they are with.
If you do not have this clarity you are likely to have serious challenges. What put you in a relationship will either sustain or drive you out of it.
Part IV coming soon…
Arthur Marara is a corporate law attorney, keynote speaker, corporate and personal branding speaker. He is the author of “Toys for Adults” and “No one is Coming”. Send your feedback to [email protected] or visit his website www.arthurmarara.com or WhatsApp him on +263780055152.
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