Stuck in the cycle: Why we stay in toxic relationships

WHAT makes us stay? Relationships are complex, multi-faceted interactions between individuals.

While healthy partnerships can enrich our lives, nurture our well-being and provide a foundation of support toxic relationships can have the opposite effect, sapping our emotional vitality, eroding our sense of self and leaving lasting psychological scars.

But what drives these dysfunctional dynamics? Why are some individuals only ever in toxic relationships? According to Psychologist, Dr Francis Siziba, background plays a vital role in defining what is toxic and why some individuals may tolerate such relationships.

“Toxicity is subjective, what I may define as toxic might be normal to the next person depending on the environment they grew up in. If someone grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive household, they may have internalised those toxic dynamics as ‘normal’ and struggle to recognise or avoid them in their own relationships.

“Individuals with poor self-worth may feel they don’t deserve healthy, respectful relationships. They may be drawn to partners who reinforce their negative self-image through criticism, control or abuse,” Dr Siziba said.

Generational or trans-generational trauma is defined as the psychological effects that trauma experienced by individuals can have on subsequent generations, including those not directly affected by the initial traumatic event.

Dr Siziba notes that individuals who have endured trauma may encounter someone who rescues them from their plight, becoming a “saviour.” However, this ‘saviour’ might be abusive, with the abuse often going unnoticed because the positive impact they have made eclipses any negative aspects of the relationship.

The term trauma bonding describes a situation where one partner inflicts emotional or physical pain, followed by intermittent comfort and affection. This can lead to the other partner becoming psychologically dependent on this cycle of abuse, as the brain’s reward system gets hijacked, making it incredibly challenging to exit the relationship.

In a strangely prevalent trend, economic factors and social status significantly influence dysfunctional relationships. Some individuals remain in abusive relationships to reap financial benefits and maintain a high social standing. For instance, a man might fear the exposure of his vulnerabilities if he leaves his wife with a lucrative job. Similarly, a woman might stay to enjoy the prestige associated with her partner’s name, fearing societal judgment if she were to leave.

Power imbalances and co-dependency are also frequent underlying issues in troubled relationships. One partner may attempt to establish control and dominance, while the other becomes excessively reliant, struggling to break away. These characteristics often originate from childhood experiences or an attempt to fill emotional voids, exemplified by Caroline Zimondi (38), who has faced co-dependency challenges in most of her relationships.

“Growing up I was really spoilt as the youngest child. Everything was done for me and I was so dependent on others for everything including minor tasks like bathing. My brothers were so protective of me but they really knew how to discipline me, I remember in my teen years my brother would beat me so hard with a baton until I turned purple.

“The funny thing is that he didn’t want anyone else to lay a hand on me, even now when I am a grown woman the trend has never stopped. Coincidentally my relationships tend to have a similar trend, if a man can’t do the things I expect him to do for me I leave him and if he doesn’t ‘discipline’ me properly I think that he is weak so my relationships always border on the extreme,” she said.

To effectively address these dynamics, Dr Siziba stresses the importance of prioritising mental health.

He urges us to view it with the same seriousness as physical health, considering the link between mental and physical well-being. For example, some cardiovascular diseases can be triggered by mental health issues. Recognising the signs of a potential problem is the first step towards seeking help. Regular consultations with psychologists can provide valuable assessments of your mental state, allowing you to identify areas that might require support.