daniel chigunwe
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
Family feuds can tear great families apart.
We all know about them if we have not experienced them ourselves — those fights, jealousies, or hurtful words that can cause long-lasting disdain, or sometimes fleeting ones that still rear their ugly head at family gatherings, spoiling the joy for everyone.
While family relationships can bring support, joy, and other wonderful benefits into our lives, these relationships can also bring stress, particularly when there’s unresolved conflict.
Because it’s more difficult to let go of conflicted relationships with family than it would be if these relationships were mere friendships, unresolved conflicts with family members can be particularly painful and hurtful to couples.
As we’ve just come out of holidays where many families came together, I hope it was all good and that you, dear reader, had a great experience if you were fortunate enough to spend time with family.
But there are those couples who struggle with resentment from in-laws, and relentless banter, all of which can fuel tension and awkwardness at family gatherings.
So what do you do at a family gathering when there’s someone there with whom you’ve had an unresolved conflict?
Experts recommend something that sounds simple, yet easier said than done.
Just be polite, they say.
“Contrary to how many feel, a family gathering is not the time to rehash old conflicts, as such conversations often get messy before they get resolved — if they get resolved”, says Elizabeth Scott, Ph D, author, workshop leader, and educator.
“If you are struggling with how to deal with such situations, focus on staying polite.
Talking about the problem (calmly and respectfully) may help, but there are also times when you just have to forgive, forget, or even minimise how much time you spend around the other person.”
During the build-up to the past festive holidays, I came across some concerns raised by different people especially women, regarding holiday visits to families.
Some dreaded the ensuing large gatherings where they would be expected to do what seemed like endless house chores and cooking- in possible environments that required more labour than they could handle- which would appear to defeat the point of holidaying.
Others dreaded meeting their in-laws in general, due to previous and unresolved fallouts.
All this could be discussed with empathy for one another.
When it comes to couples handling unpleasant interactions with in-laws or family in general, it is essential to approach the situation as a united front.
A husband, for instance, should show empathy towards his wife’s feelings and concerns.
He can be sensitive to his partner, listen actively without judgment, and allow her to express her emotions freely. By doing so, he validates her experiences and reassures her that he is there to support her.
Oftentimes spouses feel alone, attacked, and unwanted when they don’t have any support while in conflict with in-laws.
Arguably, one of the most powerful ways husbands can support their wives during difficult times is by providing unwavering emotional support.
Be her pillar of strength, assuring her that her feelings are valid. Remind her of her strengths, and that you believe in her.
After all, that is part of loving someone, in my view.
Part of a husband’s role in the family is to act as a shield from unwarranted attacks or disapproval.
When faced with unpleasantness from in-laws, stand up for your wife calmly but firmly addressing the situation. In other words, be assertive in expressing your feelings, while however, maintaining respect and honouring family relationships.
Together, establish boundaries that protect your relationship.
It doesn’t make sense to say you love someone and are in it for the long haul, then let your family or relatives shred the character of umuntu wakho,(your person, munhu wako), to pieces- especially when uncalled for. Where’s the love and allegiance in that?
Even when called for, if your spouse is in the wrong in some way, understand the conflict, but encourage peaceful resolution, rather than fan the flame.
In any marriage, defending each other is a vital aspect of building a strong foundation, and you can even learn this together and develop it.
As a wife defending your husband, remember to focus on the issue at hand rather than attacking the person and digressing.
Madzimai we generally tend to be accused of keeping score and having the ‘memory of an elephant’ nekuunza nyaya dzekudhara into present conflicts’.
It gives a new definition to the term ‘throwback’. Rather emphasise open dialogue, seeking a resolution than escalating tensions.
Encourage your husband to share his perspective and address any concerns directly but respectfully.
All too often we hear of issues arising among couples because of their families, but being a formidable team about it can save you much heartache.
Those that meddle and cause discord usually stand by their behaviour, believing they are justified to meddle in your marriage, or ‘intervene’, and some don’t see the trouble and pain they cause by doing so.
So it is up to a couple to work on how to keep any unwanted drama out of their precious union.
Ultimately, in the journey of marriage- there’s power in navigating adversity from a united front.
By standing by your spouse, you create an unbreakable alliance.
You might also earn respect as a couple, once people know kuti ava vanodanana, you can’t break them up zvekumhanya.
Remember, love knows no bounds, and with unwavering support for one another, couples can conquer any obstacle that comes their way in this new year and beyond.
Whether you can relate or your experience is different, I would love to hear from you sharing your thoughts and views.
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