The bliss of late marriage

Love, Sex & Money
THESE days’ people are getting married later than ever before although sometimes waiting to settle down can be nerve-wrecking. There are many questions that keep coming to the mind, will you ever find the right person, and will you be able to have kids? I was invited to a certain wedding last weekend, the bride, Tari, was a 40 year old woman and she was walking down the aisle for the very first time as she has never been married before and has no children. We often referred to her as “mother” back in the day and most of us assumed she was married because of her age. So after the wedding I went over to congratulate her and I got an idea for my column this week.

Most of you will agree with me that you hardly see a 40 year old bride walk down the aisle for the first time but for some life begins at 40. Anyway, if you are getting old and you are still not married do not give up because you still have a chance to wear that white dress. I learnt some interesting facts from the chat I had with the 40-year old bride.

This is what she had to say: “When I was in my late 30s, I began to understand that having a successful love life required conscious effort and focus. This was the beginning of many firsts in my life focusing more on my love life than my professional life, understanding the unhealthy relationship patterns I was repeating, learning to love myself and accepting my self-worth.

“When I reflect back on my life, I realise I wasn’t meant to take the traditional path. Mine was more of a winding path with many bumps, twists and turns in the road. Although it hasn’t been as direct as many other people’s paths, it’s been just as rewarding as you can see I struck gold (literally).

“Being a mature bride has its advantages and disadvantages, my husband and I know what we need as individuals. We don’t look to each other to fill some emotional gap as we are able to look to each other for companionship and fun.

At this age you are both looking for someone you can respect, have a good time with, have great sex with, and know that you can rely on them for anything. I think the joy of being a grown-up bride is that you can make the life you want together. You create your own expectations and you do not have people wanting to be in your face and steal your day from you, I mean you don’t have to live up to anyone else’s idea of what your wedding or life should be.

I am glad I found love later in my life as it is my only anti-aging benefit, you know happiness does that,” she said.
The world changed, people are living longer, more healthful lives, so there is less pressure to marry or to procreate while young. I also think that women’s ability to prosper emotionally and financially on their own is at an all-time high. Back in the day if you went to college and there was no engagement ring or marriage proposal coming your way by the time you graduated, you got nervous as people would talk, but today, if an undergraduate gets married while they are in college their parents get nervous.

My own theory, “Marriage was the first step to adulthood but now, it’s almost the last,” suggests that couples who marry in their teens and early 20s are more likely to divorce than couples who marry later, well that is my own understanding of capstone marriages, something people do once they have achieved milestones.

The fact that a lot of people these days are children of divorce makes them cautious, it makes them scared, it makes them gun-shy because as a child of divorce, you are automatically going to have some trust issues. So I personally think marrying later can mean marrying wiser, with more maturity and financial security. There is this cliché, that women see the institution of marriage as a protection, while men see it as a constraint that women long for it while men evade it. That women fantasise about it while men hope that if they keep their heads down, it won’t come up. For people who see the world that way, there is nothing to interrupt their view but I find it amazingly single-minded to think like that.

People are different and we see things in different ways so if your goal is to maximize your professional and financial accomplishment, then there’s no question that getting married later is the answer for you, but if you have a more traditional orientation in terms of having kids or being religious, then getting married and having kids in your 20s is a good bet.

Till next week let’s keep talking email [email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>.