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When I came across this statement on my female friend Desire’s wall on Facebook, it struck me as being very odd because to me a father is supposed to be the male figure in the family. In my 30 odd years on earth, I have always had a male father and a female mother and these two people have always presented a happy and loving face to us.
Father’s Day was a day for us to appreciate the goodness and the sacrifices that our fathers made for us. I never thought I would hear Father’s Day wishes and greetings being extended to my female friends who have laboured through the years to be both mother and father to their children.
There are many challenges that single parents face as they try to fill the gap that an absentee parent creates in the life of their children who will be trying to make sense of what will be happening as they grow up.
Ever since I came across that statement, I have tried to put myself in my friend Desire’s shoes.
Would I have been able to do my motherly duties and then be able to be there at the football matches, teach my son how to fish, how to ride a bicycle and as he grows older, talk about girls and the confusion that surrounds the onset of puberty?
Would I have been able not only to do all these things, but also to go to work so that I can put food on the table and clothes on the boy’s body as well as servicing utility bills? Would I have been able to spare time to further my education and leave ample time for my body to rest? I find single-parenthood a daunting task and can do naught but salute those who are in that situation. I met Desire when we were at journalism school. At that time Desire had been unhappily married for four years. Like most African women, Desire was comfortable in her unhappiness as she could not imagine what it would mean to expose herself to the stigmatisation and discrimination that is usually heaped on divorced or single mothers.
Desire suffered all kinds of abuse from her husband who would beat her up, withhold child support even when the son had frightening bouts of asthma attacks, refuse to give her money to buy food and force himself on her claiming that he was entitled to his conjugal rights since he had paid lobola.
The sad thing was that Desire had nowhere to run since society had taught her that she had to be strong and suffer gladly because it was normal in matrimonial life.
In spite of all the seemingly insurmountable challenges in her life, Desire has managed to work her way through life. After journalism school, she ventured into advertising and has recently acquired a law degree. She says she wants to be an inspiration for her son so that he will not be constantly reminded that he has an absentee father.
“I overcome challenge after challenge because I want to give my son a normal life.
I want to inspire him to be a better person. I do not want him to wish that maybe if his father were around, things could have been better. I would rather deprive myself of life’s luxuries so that my son can live a normal life.”
Desire is not alone in her predicament. Twenty-nine-year-old insurance agent Tinaye Munanzvi had to drop out of college when she fell pregnant.
She shares a heart-rending story of a man who was cruel enough to violate his daughter’s right to an identity.
“My dreams went up in smoke when I fell pregnant while still a first year at college. I went off to get married because I could think of no other way to preserve my honour. Barely three months into the marriage, I had to move back to my parents’ house as my husband was physically abusing me accusing me of infidelity and flatly denied the paternity of his daughter.”
Tinaye explained that her greatest fear is that her daughter might grow up without an identity as the father has refused to register her birth so that she may get a birth certificate.
“I have tried all diplomatic ways to get the father of my child to come so that we can get a birth certificate for our daughter. I fear that taking the issue to the courts will worsen an already sour relationship to such an extent that my child will never get to know her father,” Tinaye reveals.
She says that she has worked tirelessly to ensure that her daughter lacks for nothing.
“Life has not been easy. I have had to take up all sorts of odd jobs so that I can provide for my daughter. By denying paternity, the father of my child refused all responsibility. He did not provide for the child when she was a baby and he has not tried to do that now.
“This means that I have had to play both roles in my daughter’s life. When my daughter was still a baby, I relied on well-wishers for basic things like nappies, bath soap and medication for when the baby fell ill occasionally.”
When people think of single parents, they always seem to think of single mothers.
There are some silent heroes who are not talked about-the single fathers.
Gender-stereotyping has made the single father’s life all the more difficult as he has to learn to cook for his children, wash for them, bathe them and explain to them life’s little challenges. Imagine a single father who has to explain the menstrual cycle to his adolescent daughter and teach her how to use sanitary pads. Often times, these single fathers rely on the good will of their female relatives or employ maids to help them raise their children. This presents a plethora of challenges which require a different discussion forum.
In the developing world, broken relationships often negatively affect the children as the feuding couples seek to fix each other through their children. They either fight for custody, or withhold child support thereby affecting the psychological development of the children.
While married couples rely on their spouses to take care of the various problems that they may encounter in their daily lives, the single parent has to go it alone. It might be worthwhile to stop and reflect the next time that you see a single mother before labelling her a “loose-woman” or the single father a “sniper” because these people are strong beyond imagination. They face many challenges and yet it seems most of them are always ready to greet the world with a smile.
Online Reporter