adminOn the Lighterside
LAST Monday, a young man approached me as I strolled down George Silundika Street. Smiling, he handed me a flyer.
“Need help to win your heart’s desire?” the flyer screamed at me. I read down and the flyer continued to scream: “Want that deserting lover to come back running? Look no further, African Science Remedies are at your service.”
I chuckled as my mind raced back to that morning when I was a Standard 4 pupil. I sat near the back of the classroom and with the other pupils waited for the test. Mental arithmetic was my favourite exercise.
“Help me with today’s test,” Mnqobi Dube, my desk mate whispered.
“I don’t cheat and never help anyone to cheat.”
“I will give you something you will treasure for the rest of your life.”
I snorted. “How can a 12-year-old, who has not made it to the reserve side of his house soccer team, help me?”
Up in front, the teacher stood up and took a few steps away from his desk. He glanced at the question paper in his hand and looked at us. Mnqobi nervously glanced around and in his whisper continued, “I need to pass this test. Help me and I will give you the muthi for girls.”
I blinked. “You mean any girl I want will be mine?”
“Exactly.”
“Okay, before writing down each answer, throw your eye this side and I will leave the answer page uncovered.”
“Deal,” a smiling Mnqobi said.
The teacher called out the questions and we wrote down answers. We then swapped our exercise books and marked each others’ answers. Just like me, Mnqobi got 22 out of 25.
“You owe me,” I whispered. Mnqobi nodded.
That afternoon, Mnqobi led me to a nearby bush. Pointing to the Christmas creeper (umchithazulu/paradzamakore) he said, “treat the leaves of this plant with respect and you will never have problems with girls. Take the leaves and let them dry in the sun over four or five days.
Crush them and roll the stuff with old newspapers into a cigarette. With your lit cigarette in hand, stand a shouting distance away from the girl you love.
Let us say the girl’s name is Mary, keep saying softly “the girl I love is Mary.” Inhale the cigarette and blow the smoke out like James Bond. The moment she sees the smoke, finish . . . she is yours. With the confidence of a cowboy going for a shooting duel, stride towards the girl. Look her in the eyes, smile and tell her how much you love her.”
The following week, I waylaid Thandiwe as she walked back alone from Success Stores. As per Mnqobi’s instructions, I lit my cigarette, took a long drag, blew smoke up and muttered, “the girl I love is Thandiwe”.
“Heavens above!” Thandiwe exclaimed: “You are smoking! I will report you to your mother.” I swanked towards her and stopped a touching distance away.
“Smoking is bad for my health,” I said. “But what is the point of good health if I don’t have the girl I love more than anything in the world?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I am crazy about you. Thandiwe, love me half as much as I love you and I will have a reason to live. I will stop smoking. I know this is sudden and so I don’t expect an answer now. Think about it over night and give me the answer tomorrow”.
She looked down at her reed basket and suppressed a smile. I strode away.
At break the following day, I spotted her chatting with friends. When she saw me she walked alone towards the gate. I followed her. A slow smile brightened her face but she could not look at me in the eyes.
“So what is your answer girl?”
“Well . . . I . . . I love you too.”
“What!”
“I said I love you too.”
“Yes . . . I heard you. Thank you. Look, I . . . I will see you tomorrow.” I fled from the scene.
“You wizard!” I accused Mnqobi as soon as I found him. “You gave me an overdose. Now Thandiwe loves me but I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Sorry, I don’t have the muthi on how to handle a girlfriend.” Mnqobi said. “I will work on it. Just give me a month.”
“I never want to see you again,” I snarled.
It took me a week to pluck up enough courage to talk to Thandiwe again. By then she had lost interest in me.
Years later, listening to a motivational speaker, I figured out how I had won Thandiwe’s love. Many times we fail in our endeavours because we are too scared to go for it. When we try, we don’t exude confidence that we can do it. Mnqobi’s muthi gave me the confidence to approach her. Half the battle was won. Pity he had not discovered the muthi of keeping a loved one.
Last Monday on George Silundika Street, still holding the African Science Remedies flyer, I crossed 8th Avenue and sat down at the City Hall benches. I read the rest of the flyer. “Want to keep your lover?” the flyer asked me. “What are you waiting for? Come visit Doctor Mnqobi Dube, he will sort out all your problems!”
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