Online Reporter
This week’s umjolo files are hotter than kombi seats in October. One woman is hiding a whole husband from her rich boyfriend, another fears goblin rumours have scared away love, while one poor husband is battling “marine spirits” in the bedroom. Fasten your seatbelts ngoba izinto sezishushu!
HUBBY AT HOME, LOVER AT THE GATE!
Dear Bra Binzy,
I met this rich loving guy when I was in university. He is warm, loving, loyal and dedicated. I was struggling with fees and he took care of everything. He always wanted to visit me at home and I made up an evil uncle that I said doesn’t want to see me with a man. He understood.
I graduated last year with a 2.1 class, mainly due to his kindness and love. Now, he wants to get married. The problem is that I’m already married. I made up the uncle to keep him from discovering. He wants to send his uncles to speak to my people. I’m so devastated Bra Binzy. This guy is so sweet and innocent, I can’t bear to crush his heart. On the other hand, my husband would commit murder if his people came to our place. Help me solve this mess.
— Harare
Bra Binzy responds:
Eish sisi, haa… this is no longer a love triangle. This is now a full family disaster loading!
For years this poor man thought he was building a future kumbe he was sponsoring another man’s wife. Somewhere your husband is relaxing peacefully while another brother paid fees for Mrs Degree Holder. Yoh!
The dangerous part is that your boyfriend sounds genuine. Men like that are rare nowadays. Most brothers disappear after buying chips and juice once. This one stayed loyal and invested in your future.
You have only one option now: tell him the truth immediately.
Not next month. Not after “thinking about it.” NOW.
Imagine his uncles arriving with lobola money only to discover there is already a husband sitting there watching football. That situation can end with blood pressure, fists and police statements.
And please stop saying you “can’t bear to crush his heart.” Sisi, the heartbreak started the day you accepted his love while hiding a whole marriage like secret groceries under the bed.
Apologise honestly and allow the man to move on. Don’t ask to remain friends because men hate that after betrayal.
Also ask yourself why you emotionally invested in another man while married. Your marriage clearly has deeper problems.
Next time don’t build relationships on lies. Lies are like fake hair glue, eventually everything shifts and gets exposed.
NO MAN WANTS ME!
Dear Bra Binzy
I am a 41-year-old woman who is struggling to find love. I desperately need a man to love me and have children with me. I have successful businesses and I often get compliments about how good I look. However, it ends there. In all my life I’ve never had a boyfriend. My friends whisper that ngathwala (made blood sacrifices to get rich) but that is not true. What could be the problem? Everyone I know has someone. Why not me? Please help me Bra Binzy.
— Worried
Bra Binzy responds:
Yoh sisi… Zimbabweans can gossip! Once a woman becomes successful people immediately start whispering about goblins and sacrifices.
Meanwhile the same people spreading rumours are failing to repay small EcoCash loans.
Listen carefully. Your problem may not be juju. Sometimes successful women unknowingly intimidate men. Some brothers see a beautiful businesswoman and immediately panic like students called to the headmaster’s office.
Others probably think you already have a secret husband somewhere.
The other issue may be desperation. Men smell desperation faster than kombi conductors smell unpaid fares. The more pressure you place on finding love, the harder dating becomes.
Relax a little.
Love is not a bus leaving Egodini tomorrow morning.
Also stop comparing your life to others. Some people who look happily married are suffering quietly behind closed doors.
You need to expand your social life. Travel more, attend events, join activities and allow people to know the real you beyond money and success.
And please stop carrying CEO energy everywhere. Sometimes successful women unknowingly turn dates into business meetings.
Laugh more. Be softer. Be approachable.
Most importantly, don’t think your story is over because of age. Motherhood is still possible and life can still surprise you beautifully.
The right person may arrive when you least expect it.
MY WIFE THINKS I’M CHEATING WITH A GHOST!
Dear Bra Binzy
My wife recently started attending an all-night prayer church. Ever since then she says there is a female spirit following me. Every time I come home tired from work, she smells my shirts and checks my trousers for lipstick. Last week she woke me up at 2am sprinkling anointing oil on my private parts while praying against “marine spirits.” Now she refuses to kiss me because she says spiritual wives are using my mouth. Bra Binzy, I have never cheated in my life. I am now scared to sleep because she keeps shouting “fire fire!” in the middle of the night while touching my chest. Please help before my neighbours think we are filming Nigerian movies.
— Bulawayo
Bra Binzy responds:
Haa mfowethu! Your bedroom has officially become Deliverance Ministries Annex Branch!
Imagine sleeping peacefully then suddenly waking up soaked in anointing oil while someone is rebuking marine kingdoms near your boxer shorts. Marriage is not for the weak.
Prayer is good, but too much fear and prophecy can destroy a peaceful home. Today it’s “spiritual wives.” Tomorrow she will accuse the kettle of harbouring demons.
Don’t mock her beliefs because that will worsen things. Sit her down calmly and explain that constant suspicion is damaging your marriage and intimacy.
Maybe the church she attends is filling her head with fear. Some churches survive by convincing people demons are hiding inside everything including phones and refrigerators.
You both need counselling from mature people who believe in balance, not drama.
And please hide the anointing oil before she starts baptising the television remote.
Marriage without trust becomes exhausting. Soon even sneezing looks suspicious.
Until next week, keep your hearts clean, your stories straight and your “evil uncles” away from family negotiations. Remember, secrets in relationships are like tight trousers, eventually something must give!
ν Email: [email protected]
Or WhatsApp us on 0776201133 with the hashtag #DearBraBinzy
