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Laina Makuzha, LOVE by DESIGN
Last week, we explored the importance of setting boundaries in relationships, discussing what they are and providing tips on establishing healthy limits.
As a follow up, inspired by some of the questions and insights I received from some readers, we will delve deeper into the distinction between healthy and unhealthy boundaries, navigating conflicts and examining how they evolve throughout different relationship stages.
Healthy boundaries prioritise mutual respect, trust and communication. They protect individual identities while fostering a sense of unity. In contrast, unhealthy boundaries can be controlling, manipulative, or rigid, leading to feelings of suffocation or isolation.
Remember, “Boundaries are not about keeping people out; they’re about creating space for yourself,” Danielle LaPorte says in “The Desire Map”.
So what do Healthy boundaries look like?
Healthy boundaries are not limited to just communicating personal space, but may also sound something like this:
Setting emotional limits: “I am not comfortable discussing this topic, can we agree to disagree?”
Prioritising individual interests: “I want to pursue my hobby on Saturdays, can you please support me?” These are just a couple of examples in an inexhaustible list.
On the other hand, navigating conflicting boundaries requires empathy, active listening, and compromise. When partners have differing expectations, it is essential to understand each other’s perspectives and find common ground.
Unhealthy boundaries can show themselves in controlling behaviour, where a partner wants to monitor every move by their significant other. We touched on such behaviour in the previous article.
Other examples of unhealthy boundaries include:
Emotional manipulation: “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.”
Isolation: “You’re not allowed to see your family, they are toxic.”
In “Boundaries in Marriage”, Dr Henry Cloud puts it this way: “The goal of boundaries is not to erect walls, but to create a safe space for growth.”
It is also important to note that as relationships progress, boundaries naturally evolve. What works in the dating stage may not be suitable for marriage or long-term commitment. Couples need to remain flexible in that regard and adapt their boundaries accordingly. This helps with a healthy transition as they both evolve.
Evolving boundaries might sound like this:
From dating to marriage, a couple might decide: “We used to be okay with separate bank accounts, but now we want to merge them.”
From newlyweds to parents: “We used to have spontaneous date nights, but now we need to schedule around our child’s needs.”
From individual careers to joint venture: “We used to prioritise individual goals, but now we are working together on a shared business project that we both must focus on.” The list is endless.
Biblically, we are encouraged to “love your neighbour as yourself” (Mark 12:31).
The starting point there is loving oneself, and when we can do that, we have a reference point in our love for others. Establishing healthy boundaries allows us to love ourselves and our partners more intentionally.
Even if you are currently not in a romantic relationship, the ability to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy boundaries and how to communicate them, can come in handy in any other relationships eg friends, neighbours, blended families or even in corporate environments.
Ultimately, boundaries should be seen as a dynamic aspect of relationships, requiring ongoing communication and adaptability — not as rules cast in stone. Zvimwe zvinongodawo kunzwisisana pachenyu. Relationships differ. Each couple has to work together to understand where each of them is coming from and how they can earnestly uphold each other’s interests.
If you find that you are struggling to maintain healthy boundaries or navigate conflicts, remember that it is normal to sometimes miss the mark, so do not be too hard on yourself.
There are endless resources and experts and spiritual leaders that can offer wisdom and guidance. Do not hesitate to reach out and fight for the health of your cherished relationship, be it in a marriage setup or steady relationship.
As always, let us engage and keep the conversation going. I am here to support you in your relationship journey at any stage. It gives me pleasure to research and share helpful insights as well as point you to experts in various topics. Feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, and questions with me on:
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