Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
This week’s letters highlight a vital truth: Quickly identifying the core of an issue and making a bold decision — supported by clear communication — is the most effective way to guarantee peace. Whether dealing with overbearing parents, dishonest guests or a lack of marital boundaries, the solution begins with the courage to speak up and the resolve to act.
******
I am a 39-year-old married man with three children and the eldest of four siblings — one brother and two sisters. I have a wonderful relationship with my wife, who is incredibly kind to my friends and family.
My parents are retired and live at our rural family home, which my siblings and I have fully renovated with running water, solar power and high security to ensure they are comfortable.
Currently, my family and I live in our other family home in the northern suburbs — a beautiful five-bedroom house — at my father’s request. He asked us to stay there provided I pay a nominal “token” rent and maintain the property.
We do our absolute best to keep the home in top shape, and my father is very appreciative. We even keep a bedroom reserved exclusively for my parents when they visit the city. However, my mother is a constant source of tension.
Every time she visits, she complains bitterly about the state of the house, the garden and the “low” rent we pay. This is despite the fact that my siblings and I take turns sending our parents monthly money and provisions.
I am tired of my mother’s behaviour and feel the best solution is to move out to avoid further conflict. My father insists he will handle her and wants us to stay, but I hate being the cause of misunderstandings between them.
While my siblings agree with my father and think I should stay, I find my mother greedy and impossible to please. I am now stuck and confused about the best path forward.
Response
I believe it is vital to stay where you are happy. Your mother’s behaviour is immature and unbecoming, especially since you were invited to stay there in the first place.
Ultimately, the choice is yours; if your finances allow, moving elsewhere may finally provide the peace of mind you yearn for. Regarding the support for your parents, I see no reason to stop your monthly contributions; continue assisting them as you and your siblings have always done.
However, you should inform your father of your next move.
He is clearly caught in the middle and his reluctance to confront your mother suggests she is very difficult to reason with. This situation is further complicated by the fact that she is a part-owner of the property.
You must make her aware of your displeasure. If everyone lives in fear of her reactions, she may never realise the negative impact her words and actions have on the family.
It is time to be your own man and prioritise your kind wife and children. A house is not a home — no matter where you go, as long as you have your family with you, you will be okay. I wish you the very best.
******
Roommate is a parasite
I am a 26-year-old woman with a stable job, living in a two-bedroom apartment in the Avenues.
A few months ago, a former university associate — who is not even a close friend — reached out to me after being evicted. She claimed her landlord was insensitive.
Out of pity, I agreed to let her stay with me for two months while she found her own place.
We agreed to split all costs.
It has now been six months, and she shows no sign of leaving. Not only has she failed to contribute a single cent towards rent or groceries, but she also constantly brings strangers into my home and eats food she did not buy.
After speaking with her former landlord, I realised she lied to me; she was actually evicted for unpaid rent, rowdy behaviour and poor hygiene.
I deeply regret taking her in. My boyfriend offered to confront her, but I stopped him because I want to handle this myself. Amai, I do not want her in my house anymore. Please help me.
Response
Your situation is actually quite straightforward. Given what you learnt from her former landlord, you must give her formal notice immediately.
She is repeating the exact same patterns — unpaid bills, rowdy behaviour and lack of hygiene — that led to her previous eviction. In future, avoid making it a habit to share your living space with people you do not know well.
Being rowdy and failing to contribute to household expenses is unacceptable. You were right to stop your boyfriend from intervening; it is important that you address this yourself and be as candid as possible.
Even if there is some initial conflict or blowback, you owe it to yourself to reclaim your peace and get your life back to normal. Please keep me posted — I am confident this can be resolved quickly if you stay firm.
******
My honeymoon phase is being ruined
I am a newlywed, but I find myself falling out of love by the minute.
The reason is that my husband and his family have completely taken over my one-bedroom apartment.
My husband moved in after we married, but his parents have since taken control of our home, sending various relatives to stay with us.
At his mother’s imposition, we were forced to take in his nephews, who now sleep in our lounge.
Additionally, an aunt from the rural areas is staying with us while receiving medical treatment in Harare — another arrangement made by his parents without my input.
She sleeps in the kitchen and even hosts her own visitors there. I am not happy with this arrangement and desperately want my space back.
My husband is too intimidated to set boundaries with his parents, and I have reached my breaking point. I have told him that if this does not stop immediately, I will leave. What should I do?
Response
You are absolutely right — you should be enjoying your honeymoon phase right now. It is difficult for you to set boundaries with your husband’s parents right from the start; that responsibility falls squarely on his shoulders.
Furthermore, in this era of health consciousness, it is both unsanitary and impractical to huddle in such a small space with so many extra mouths to feed and frequent visitors.
Continue to voice your concerns. There is no need for you to leave your own home — this is your apartment.
How did his family manage before you two were married?
I suggest roping in a neutral third party, such as a counsellor, to help him see the light. If he is to be the head of the household, he must man up and ensure the space you share is respected.
Do not be too quick to throw in the towel just yet; I am confident that a bit of firm assertiveness will get you the results you are looking for. I wish you well.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
