adminGHETTO WHISPERS With Rosenthal Mutakati
FOR long revered as intimate ceremonies where relatives and friends find closure, funerals have seemingly assumed new dimensions, purpose and meaning.
They are now bustling marketplaces, much busier than Timbuktu, a city in central Mali near the Niger River; formerly famed for its gold trade.
Called “rufu,” “nhamo”, “mariro”, “funerals”, “finaz”, “fineshto”, occasions where the deceased is buried or cremated no longer carry the weight they did in years gone by.
Deals are now being cut at funerals, a practice which some believe devalues the memory of the dearly departed.
Surprisingly enough, widows, widowers, surviving children and close relatives have joined in on these despicable acts.
“You can bring me a six-pack of Golden Pilsener or a whisky bottle and ice, I am at my wife’s funeral. She passed on last night so I am trying to push the burial so that we can make the trip to New Zealand. She was disturbing our life, but now I am all yours,” I heard a certain bloke saying to a member of the fairer sex on the phone at his wife’s funeral wake.
One other woman told her sister: “It’s only that he was the father of my children and I really have no choice. Bharanzi raindirova zvakaipisisa saka rachaya corner. Ndotongochema, ko ndingadii?”
“Pangave panhamo chaipo, zvikomba ndozvinotanga kusvika, nematambudziko, nedzoyi —risati ranyura zvachonyana,” sang troubadour Steve “Dhongi” Makoni in a classic called “Zvachonyana”.
The song brings to the fore some of the intriguing things that take place at today’s funerals. It is no longer unusual to attend a funeral and find children of the deceased treating themselves to music and entertaining their lovers. Others have the temerity to tell mourners: “I will join you later as I have to take my girlfriend to the movie.”
It is also unsurprising that thieves are now targeting funerals. Car batteries and wheels can easily go missing.
Bags, blankets and shoes have often been stolen at funerals where thieves disguise themselves as mourners and duly participate in the drum-beating, singing and dancing while waiting for the opportune time to strike.
In some rare cases, children have gone missing at funerals after befriending strangers.
“Nowadays people are doing the unthinkable. This is why we are now setting up security committees at funerals to interrogate whoever turns up whenever darkness falls.
“Some people pretend to be well-cultured and assist with all the work as they seek to get everyone’s confidence before helping themselves to anything they can lay their hands on,” one woman, who identified herself as Chihera, said.
There are also those odd characters who sell mbanje and other drugs at funerals.
Women of easy virtue also view these gatherings as huge marketplaces where they can easily reel in suitors.
Police have in the past managed to arrest wanted criminals at their friends’ funerals, making such gatherings theatres of unimaginable spectacles.
Some itinerant pastors are also not to be left out. They would happily preach at the solemn gathering in exchange for cash.
Well, the amount paid is usually determined by the length of the sermon.
This explains why known non-believers and drunkards would sometimes have their funeral rites conducted by decorated religious leaders.
Tailors, who now largely prefer to be called dressmakers for reasons best known to themselves, also frequent funerals where they sell all manner of costumes to those seeking to look chic at those occasions.
Caterers are now a common feature.
“We prepare sumptuous meals that will make your mother’s farewell from planet earth memorable. We have all manner of special dishes that will suit your guests,” reads one of the fliers I saw pasted to the entry of a rich man’s gate recently.
Florists also have all manner of bouquets and flower arrangements which they sell to bereaved families.
While this is not bad, the way it is done seems callous.
“Don’t let dubious, fly-by-night characters spoil the send-off for your funerals. We can make a difference if you pay us in part to place orders. The rest you will pay off after the funeral. Usakanganisirwe nhamo yekumba kwenyu nemabhambi,” one loud florist told mourners within earshot. Well, the world is definitely changing.
Inotambika mughetto.
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