adminBusie Mtshede
IF love was straightforward and unchanging, that would make things easier but when you take a close look at the nature of love and romance, one thing becomes clear and that is love creates happiness and heartache, opportunities and constraints, joy and sorrow. However, it is something everyone needs at some point in life and given its nature that it has no manual it comes with ups and downs, highs and lows but all the same we all need it.
There are times when relationships are defined by lies that end up causing problems, breaking trust and sometimes leading to heartaches, separation or misery because lies and deception give power while aggressively and passively destroying those at the receiving end.
Our lives are our own statement written over time. When we live a lie, we are putting out falsehoods and in time we will look back and have little substance to hold onto and plenty of regret. It is better for us to state and live our truth than to spend our time deceiving people we claim to love because lying or choosing to keep the truth to self causes more harm than good.
The problem with lying and deceiving is that aside from putting forward a deliberately false statement and seeking to gain an advantage or to avoid something undesirable, is that the people who habitually lie and cheat are often supported by people who have faith in them and may even fight in their corner.
When lying and cheating is uncovered, it is devastating to the trusting believers because they have based their own version of reality on the lies and deception and this usually leaves people in awkward positions as they are wired to believe the lies they have been fed. In most cases this is because they have interacted with these people and said and done certain things that by supporting these people, has actually helped them to gain further advantage.
This week our column is on a woman who discovered that her husband was lying, cheating, manipulative and had seven children by different women.
My husband and I got married a year and nine months ago and it was rocky from the beginning. He was in a long-term relationship before he was with me and we fell in love and got married. I suspected that he still had feelings for this girl but I was in love with him.
A couple of months after we got married I guess the “ex” called his cellphone disturbed from hearing that we were married and so as soon as I walked into the door from errands he stated that he had to go somewhere and I gave him the keys to the car because I thought it was an emergency.
I asked him where he was going and of course he gave me a million different runarounds about where and how long he would take. He left and came back in a state so being the detective that I am, I went through his cellphone and saw some messages from the ex. I knew who had been sending him text messages and staying in contact saying some loving things to him in these messages.
On that particular day the ex was having a conversation with him and a lot of things were being said as she kept on asking if I was aware that he had seven other children by different women. I quickly brushed it off dismissing it as bitter ex claim as she was angry about him marrying me after their break-up and on that very same mission I found out that he had another woman and had not told the woman that he was in “three” relationships and that he was married.
Out of curiosity I made it my business to take down the numbers so that I could have a chat with them later on. I remember my heart was racing and I was very angry when I made the first call and the woman on the other side told me on the phone, that she had seen him three months after we got married and saw his ring but he denied the marriage and had given a lame explanation in relation to the ring.
After a few phone calls to these various women I decided to stop and have a chat with him because I was shocked to discover that all these women were not denying having him in their lives and claimed not to have any knowledge about him being married. In spite of him being caught then he proclaimed his love for me and convinced me that these women were just bitter and wanted him in their lives, giving me a thousand reasons to believe I was blessed that he chose to be with me and he lied to my face but I was desperate to believe him because I loved him.
I should have known right there that this was the beginning of our problems. Months down the line I had shocking revelations. I discovered that he indeed was a father to seven kids and had promised to marry all the women in question and in some cases he had even made himself known to the families but only to disappear when the kids were born and so all of them could not attain birth certificates bearing his name as he would run away.
The most disturbing thing about him is that he was a smooth talker and would make me believe everything he told me and I would fight his battles because I thought all these women had issues and just could not bear to see him happy.
He would feed my emotional side and lie and I would believe him until I discovered he used the same tactic with every woman in his life after he told one of his girlfriends that I had forced him to marry me and he had done it out of pity and pressure from his family because I had miscarried.
The woman had no kind words for me when I called her asking her about my husband and she even claimed to have been with him the time I called her. I was hurt and my heart broke, I confronted him and he fed me with more lies without knowing that I had a latest addition to his long list which seemed to be in the know of everything.
I could not come to terms with that I had been lied to all this time and I was embarrassed because I had made a fool of myself believing that this man was my love and life yet he was nothing but a lying, manipulating and cheating man who would stop at nothing just to have a woman.
I am in pieces and failing to get back in track because he lied so much that I even question his existence, I am angry and bitter because I feel he had no right to decide that this was a scenario that I would be OK with as he claimed to have been “protecting” me by keeping some of these things away from me, I mean I had a right to input, I should have been told things as they were and made a decision based on all the facts instead of building a marriage on lies and deception from someone who is only sorry because they got caught. He could have told me the truth and I could in turn have chosen to proceed or back away but at least the choice would have been mine.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.
Keep going. You will get there someday and in the meantime continue to share your heart breaking stories with us.
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