Whose Christmas is it anyway?

Lifestyle Writers
Another year has gone by and it is the season of goodwill to all, or is it? According to a number of women, it is far from that. Christmas seems to be a time fraught with bitter feelings caused by the advent of being forced to wear permanent masks of bonhomie while around people that they only share mutual dislike with; the in-laws.

Naturally none of the women wanted to be identified as they will have to smile at those same in-laws in a few days as they share Christmas Day celebrations.

“Every year my husband expects us to spend Christmas with his family. He says that is the tradition and there is no question of us doing anything as a couple or with our own core family. I have cordial relations with his family but I really find every Christmas tedious as they repeat the same old stories and laugh at the same jokes,” complained Sheila, a 33-year-old professional in the city.

Sheila says they can afford to go on holiday to local resorts but her husband insists that Christmas remains a rural bound affair.

“The extended family gathers and as a muroora I am expected to smile while slaving over a fire, doing the dishes and all other chores. Remember this is a time when the maids have gone over to be with their families so I end up spending those days mired in menial labour,” Sheila grouched.

Several other women echoed the same sentiments saying that they find it ironic that their husbands insist on forcing them to be with his family at Christmas yet their own sisters and paternal aunts will be there instead of with their husbands’ families.

“The Bible says marriage means we become one flesh as man and woman, not woman and husband’s family,” averred Tatenda, a 28-year-old entrepreneur who says she has made it clear to her husband that she will not be forced to spend the holiday with his family and only goes when she feels to do it. This year she will be spending the holiday at home while her husband takes their two kids to Gokwe, where his parents are.

She said that men should move with the times and not expect their wives to be subjected to the same mores as their own mothers.

But not all women feel the same. For Pamela, a 24-year-old university student and mother of one, there is no problem with being around her husband’s family all the time during the festive season.

“This is my family now. This is one season when everyone lays aside time to be together and we can bond and get to know each other better with my in-laws that I rarely see during the year. As my son grows, it will also be good for him to respect this time.”

This problem is by no means limited to those torn between the rural areas no town, or even Zimbabwe or Africa. It is truly a universal headache that causes many fights across continents. For many Western couples where both branches of the family are in existence and far apart, the war is waged each year as to whose family they celebrate Christmas with.

A pastor who commented in her personal capacity said she feels that there should be negotiations to ensure that all parties are satisfied and that this is not the platform to interpret submission on the part of wives to mean that they should do as the men wish with no objections raised.

“Obviously there is no way that everyone can be catered for at the same time, but I think it is good to alternate between families. It is also important for a couple to create their own memories outside the extended family. As with all marital disputes, solutions lie in communication. Sometimes a man just dictates without realising why his partner might not like the idea,” she sermonised.

Which seems like sound advice to ensure that Christmas is not a time when some women are seriously considering lacing the roast chicken with something to give the husband and all his family the trots into the new year!

There is no doubt about the virtues associated with celebrating Christmas are unquestionable as a family, but this has inevitably brought about some complications in some families with maternal and patriarchal overtures.

The tide is turning however as women empowerment sets in, earning their own money and can no longer just be shepherded to the husband’s rural home.

Some women who are more than 15 years into marriage accepted going to the husband’s rural home every year, but others only five years into marriage said they had greater say collectively.

Joseph Marira, married for 38 years, citing the Bible said at marriage the man and woman become one flesh.

“On marriage the husband and wife become one flesh, so she belongs to the husband’s family, and rural home, not her own. In the Bible Rebecca and Ruth all went to their husbands’ homes. The wife has left, and her brother’s wives will replace her,” said Marira.

Another professional with 20 years in marriage said they went to the husband’s home every Christmas, and believes it’s down to the name change after weddings..

“We go, and we have no say, after all we assume the husband’s surname after marriage,” she said.

Married for 14 years, a Harare woman who asked not to be named said they alternated between the two families.

“It’s 50-50, when we go to his home this year we will go to mine later,” she said.

Innocent Bizalieli, married for 14 years also said they interchange between the families.

“We alternate this year to mine and the next to hers. It’s fair that way.”

A young man, three years into his marriage had his own frustrations.

“My wife flatly refuses when it’s about going to my rural home for Christmas. She finds excuses such as health concerns and that she should not be exposed to dust and smoke,” he mourned.

A recently married young woman said they would rather go on holiday as a family.

“Why go to rural homes? Christmas is a time to relax, and we go on holiday,” she said.

“Christmas time is the best time for Christians the world over because they celebrate the day that Jesus Christ was born. Although it has over years come to be associated with various other activities and festivities, it remains Jesus Christ’s day and nothing should take away that significance,” observed Mrs Nyathi of Granary on the outskirts of Harare.

“This is the time of making the most of life while it lasts. I am a Christian but this time around I make sure that I get together with the other guys and drench ourselves in drinks and then ‘swim’ home,” said one Harare imbiber.

Since Christmas is for everyone, noted James of Budiriro, it would only be fair to alternate the visits over the years.

“Everyone wants to enjoy Christmas with their loved ones. My parents love to have me, my wife and kids around during this holiday, and the same also applies to my in-laws who always expect us as well as some presents during Christmas. We have agreed to strike a balance by alternating the visits annually.

“This helps to strengthen family ties across the in-laws and their sons or daughters-in-law as well as their kids,” James said.

“During Christmas, spirits will be running high and men should take advantage of further winning the hearts of their in-laws by spending time with them.

“Avoid the idea that once you marry your wife, she should always be in your backyard since she also needs to be with her family as well.”

Baba Mandaza begs to differ. He thinks that Christmas should be celebrated at his side since it is also the time that serious family issues are discussed and ironed out.

“This is a day where the husband’s family should come together, eat together, ‘count the flock’ so to speak and also discuss issues affecting the family, and this cannot be done while you are at your in-laws.

“That means your wife also has to be there and therefore what it means is that, ‘kwemurume ndiko kunoita’.”

Rumbidzai Gwatidzo said: “All my life I haven’t gone to my mother’s homestead because when I was growing up we always went to my father’s family and I was forbidden to make contact with relatives from my mother’s family because they were deemed not important.”

Others have a progressive approach to the festivities.

“In my family we have a timetable, on Christmas Day we will be at my father’s homestead and on New Year’s Eve we will be at my mother’s homestead. From a young age we have always done it so I guess we have started our own tradition which is a fair one,” said Natasha Makore

Globally Christmas Day has evolved into the biggest holiday of the year characterised by merry making and opportunity to exchange gifts.