Why don’t you be you

Thandekile Moyo
THERE’S a time not so long ago, when women could not venture out in trousers and be considered respectable. Trousers were for the wayward, the loose, the disrespectful and the wild.

I remember growing up and having to fight that stereotype with all that I was. I was a tomboy, having grown up in nothing but jeans, shorts and t-shirts. Only to reach a certain age and be told no! You can no longer wear trousers. They are for men.

What? How could I not be allowed to wear the only form of dressing I felt comfortable in? What would I wear if I couldn’t wear my jeans? I have always felt awkward in dresses. They seem so umm, so insecure. I have always been afraid the wind will come and blow the flimsy things over my head, leaving me exposed.

What shoes would I wear dresses and skirts with? I’ve always been a tackies girl. So what was poor me going to pair dresses with?

I was never going to wobble around in high heels in public! I tried it several times only to get back home with blisters “the size of tennis balls” and feet so painful I would literally want to cry. I also have never been able to walk in sandals. Every time I tried it back in our semi-rural Gwanda town, I would spend the day with half the town’s dust all over my body. With each footstep I managed to scoop half a cup of dust and spray it up my legs all the way to my back!

For that reason I felt I had to fight for my rights, my right to comfortable clothing my right to comfortable shoes, my right to freedom of dressing. It was difficult in the 90s and the new millennium. I’m sure my parents were embarrassed by my choices. They would buy me dresses which I never wore and thus I would raid my brothers’ wardrobes and paint the town red in baggy jeans and oversized T-shirts. I must have been quite a sight!

We eventually found common ground, my parents and I. I would wear my trousers to friends’ parties, to outings and when playing; but had to dress “decently” to any outings and events with them. When we went to Kezi and Plumtree, our rural homes, trousers were not allowed. Till today, because I understand that I do not live in a vacuum, I live my life in my jeans and flat shoes, but will “dress up” every now and then to work functions, home functions and I still stand by the no trousers rule for my rural stays. Although now I can get away with arriving and departing in my jeans, as long as I spend my time there in skirts and dresses.

I had best friends who loved makeup, back in college. They were what we call “girly girls” and loved high heels and dresses and skirts. I never understood them.

I thought maybe they were doing it to attract men. I could not fathom why anyone would spend the whole day with “mud” on their face and red lips! I would be running around in my flat shoes and bump into one and genuinely feel sorry for them for having to go through all that trouble just so boys could enjoy looking at them.

One day I asked one of them why she bothered and she told me that girlish clothes made her feel like a lady. They made her feel good inside. She said every time she put a dress on that flattered her body shape she felt fantastic. She said she didn’t even care if nobody saw her at all, she dressed like that even on the weekends spent indoors.

Really? I wondered. Well, she also told me that she loved high heeled shoes and never felt any pain walking in them. Wow! That was news to me. I had assumed everyone got blisters from walking in heels. She showed me her feet and there was no sign of blisters or scars from blisters. “I don’t do it to get boys,” she said. “I do it because I love shoes and dresses and they make me feel good!”

That was an eye-opener for me. I remember trying to explain something similar about my own dressing choices. I do not do it to rebel, or to attract anyone, no! I wear what I wear because I am comfortable in it and it makes me feel good.

I realised at that moment that we are different people, with different feelings about the same things and different things make us feel good. There is absolutely no reason to judge each other or look down on each other or even shun each other over our different choices.

Most of our misunderstandings come from the fact that we have superiority complexes that make us think only our choices are the best. Everybody’s choice, about their lives, is the best for them. What’s best for you is not what’s best for me.

Imagine if I forced all my subordinates to dress in jeans and tackies simply because that’s what I believe is comfortable. Imagine if my boss forced me to wear high heels simply because he believes that is what is presentable and acceptable.

Acceptability changes over time. As we come into contact with different views and different cultures across the globe our minds become open to new possibilities. What seemed impossible at certain points in our lives becomes a major part of our lives at another time. In the early nineties we could not even imagine cellular phones but come 2017, I cannot imagine life without a cellphone.

I have often seen people take a moral high ground on issues that have no bearing on their personal lives whatsoever. So what if Ncube’s daughter wears tight trousers? How does that affect anybody? How does her “immorality” threaten yours or your children’s? We need to learn to concentrate on our own affairs and let others run their own. If you’re not paying for my clothing, let me wear what I want. If you are paying for my clothing but don’t have to wear it yourself still, let me wear what I want!

What others wear, what they do with their lives is not your business. People talk about how so and so is a bad influence to children and even peers but why should an outsider be the one to influence your children? Because we shall continue to wear what we want in front of your kids, say what we want in front of your kids, dance how we want in front of your kids; the best thing everyone can do is teach their own kids their own idea of right and wrong and also teach them not to be impressionable!

You can’t go around controlling people because your children/husband/wife cannot control themselves! In as much as I love trousers I know I have no choice but to dress “decently” so no matter how good Beyonce looks in a cropped top with her belly out, I will never dress like that. This does not mean that I have to be angry when other women dress like that in front of my husband and children because they have their own idea of right and wrong and there’s nothing I can do about that! The onus is now on me to advise my family on what is right for our family.

Please let us desist from meddling in issues outside of our “jurisdictions.” If Zodwa Wabantu chooses to be pantyless let her be. Wear underwear if you want to, tell your children that good girls don’t dance without underwear, bar your husbands from attending her shows but under no circumstances does anyone have the right to dictate what is good or bad entertainment for the masses. What makes you tick could make me cry, what makes me happy probably disgusts you. So in the words of James Bay in his song Let it go: WHY DON’T YOU BE YOU AND I’LL BE ME.