Why women cheat?

Ann Ruthenburg Marriage Doctor
Hello there people, how are you all this week?
So this week I got the strangest message, it read like this . . . PLEASE COULD YOU TELL ME WHY WOMEN CHEAT?Lol! I do not mean to laugh; it’s just that when a guy asks me that, it’s almost like seriously dude? Have you found a woman that has beaten you to your own game? Kikiki.

Okay on a serious note though . . . I think that men need to realise that women can cheat just as well as men can, and they may do a better job at hiding it too. So now that the question has been asked; it is my prerogative to answer it – here we go!

According to a famous researcher on why couples cheat; she says most women have affairs for very different reasons than men. There are many reasons for infidelity such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention and women looking to fill an emotional void.

Many women when caught say, ‘I was lonely, not connected, I didn’t feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted. “They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again.” Some even say they were searching for an Emotional Connection.

Every affair is different, and so are every woman’s reasons for her involvement. Dr Helen Fisher, author of Why Him? Why Her? And Why We Love, says men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner. Women, she says, tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness.

“Women tend to be more unhappy with the relationship they are in,“ while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat. Women are more interested in supplementing their marriage or jumping ship than men are – for men, it is a secondary strategy as opposed to an alternate.”

Isn’t it weird that research says that 34 percent of women who had affairs were happy or very happy in their marriage. 56 percent of men who had affairs were happy in their marriage. The theory that adultery is “natural” for men, fulfilling their Darwinian need to spread their seed, has been around a long time. But the connection women look for when having affairs may have evolutionary roots as well.

There the theory that women’s motivations to have affairs are typically more than sexual. That’s not to say that some women don’t have affairs just for the sex or that sex wasn’t important. But in general, women’s motivations aren’t just about sex. It could be that most women are doing it not because they want to have more sex. But I don’t think they mind if they get it. “It is not really about sex per se as much as the experience of being with somebody.” Disappointment and loneliness also play a big part in women having affairs, especially if the opportunity avails itself. Loss of dreams and hopes is one. Using another partner to transition out of a bad marriage is one of the common reasons women have affairs.

It seems that some women have affairs during periods of vulnerability or life change, like when a child goes off to college or after a job loss. They may see it as a form of comfort during upheaval.

Another common reason is a cry for help in the marriage. One lady had an affair, ended it, and then told her husband as a way to point out they were in more trouble than he thought.

People have affairs because they are looking for something. Most women though will call out for help to a friend, relative, counsellor or even their problematic husband, before they actually have the affair because they want to save their marriage.”

Women are also less likely than men to have an affair that “just happens,” because they tend to think longer and harder about the situation, experts say. Some women take time to warm up to it. Going in and leaving quickly isn’t their thing.

Men can walk away more easily because their emotions are just different and it is unusual for a woman to want to have sex and forget about it.
It may be an old notion that women are the ones who get attached in a relationship. But it seems women do connect with their partners in affairs and think more about taking part in one. Women really can recognise the risk for them, and realise quicker than men of the possibility of losing their partner because of an affair.

Well that’s it in brief, folks; I hope this more or less answers this question. That’s it from me, until next week – God Bless!

◆ The Marriage Doctor can be contacted on 0772933845.

Please note information in this column is based on a mixture of research, science, theory and opinion. As much as the majority information given in these columns is tried and tested; the Marriage Dr can in no way guarantee, that advice given will work for everyone. Every couple’s situation is different, and therefore if you choose to implement the advice given in each column – do so by analysing your own relationship and then with much maturity and patience, only applying those things to your relationship that may apply. Marriage Dr or the newspaper can in no way accept responsibility for the outcome (positive or negative) – your relationship is your responsibility, accepting that is the beginning of change.