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Vaidah Mashangwa
INTERVIEWS with battered women reveal that battered women often remain in violent relationships for years and they highlighted the difficulties associated with disentangling themselves from a violent relationship.
The main reason pointed out by the women relate to social and cultural expectations of women and society in issues related to marriage and their status within the nuclear family. The socialisation of women emphasises the value of being a good wife and mother at the expense of personal achievement and happiness in other spheres of life.
The patriarchal society also assigns a secondary status to women and provides men with the ultimate authority both within and outside the family unit. Generally, though there are more working women nowadays, economic conditions contribute to the dependency of women on men.
The prospect of divorce haunts most women as they start worrying about major issues such as accommodation, the welfare of children, income payment of bills and property distribution. Most women still believe that initiating a divorce means loss of property yet it all depends with the type of marriage one is into, that is Chapter 5: 11 (formerly Chapter 37) or Customary marriage. Due to fear of the unknown, most women find it difficult to reject the abuse of their partners and develop independent thinking and lives free of marital violence.
Material and cultural conditions therefore form the basis in which personal interpretations of events are developed by the battered women.
Women who depend on their husbands for practical support also depend on them as sources of self-esteem, emotional support and continuity.
Some women also feel that their social status will be lost if they flee abusive homes and relationships. A woman married to a businessman or a renowned politician for example might fear embarrassment and loss of social status and respect.
In Bulawayo, like other cities, there are safe shelters for battered women and these usually bring children along. The victims of domestic violence are referred to the centres by Musasa Project. During their stay the women are taught life skills. The safe shelter is there to provide relief to the victims of domestic violence while the courts finalise their cases.
It must be understood that the value placed on marriage is high as individuals invest a great amount of emotion in their spouses and expect a return on that investment. Couples come into a union with high expectations and the costs of recognising failures and dissolving marriages is not usually the first option.
Where divorce is chosen as an option, it is seldom undertaken without serious deliberations and emotional upheavals. There is always some degree of commitment in all relationships and this degree is implicit in the marriage contract.
When conflicts emerge in a marriage, there is some effort to negotiate on an agreement or bargain just to ensure the continuity of the relationship.
Most couples employ a number of strategies depending on the nature and resources available to them to resolve conflicts without dissolving relationships. There are some men and women who buy expensive gifts for their spouses each time conflicts and fights threaten their marriages.
At times in such situations, couples apply what is called role induction and role modification. Role induction refers to conflict in which one or the other part submits, goes along with the conflict, becomes convinced or is persuaded in some way to accept the situation at hand. Role modification involves adaptation by both partners to the situation presented.
Role induction is particularly applicable to battered women who simply accommodate their husbands’ abuse. Instead of seeking help or escaping the abusive relationship, battered women often rationalise violence from their husbands who will keep on giving excuses and stating how sorry they are.
In one study of 350 battered women in the USA, the median length of stay after violence began was four years. Some left in less than a year and others stayed in abusive relationships for as long as 42 years. Staying with a violent man does not indicate that the women viewed violence as an acceptable aspect of a relationship. All the interviewed women condoned violence in the strongest sense.
When some women finally leave some ex-husbands still follow and murder them in a fit of rage even after securing new independent accommodation and new relationships.
Some battered women endure abuse while trying to help their men return to normal as they feel that their partners are only abusive under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Some women boast of how charming and charismatic their mates are when they are sober.
In that vein, some women perceive battering as an event beyond the control of both spouses and blame it on external forces such as pressure at work, the loss of a job, legal problems and so on. The violence is judged situational and temporary because it is linked to unusual circumstances which can be overcome with time. There are some battered women whose experiences are so discordant with their expectation that they simply refuse to acknowledge it. When they are not hospitalised, routine quickly returns to normal. Meals are served, jobs and school are attended to, daily chores are completed even with lingering pain, bruises and cuts.
In actual fact the normality of everyday chores and activities overrides the strange and confusing episode of the attack though the pain will be felt.
Battered women tolerate a wide range of physical abuse before defining it as injurious. At times battered women often end up blaming themselves for the violence thereby neutralising the responsibility of the spouses. Some women feel it could have been avoided if they had been more passive and conciliatory.
Some men continually denigrate their partners and make unrealistic demands such as asking for hot isitshwala at midnight or better relish. When a woman believes in that inadequacy she develops an inferiority complex which inhibits the development of a notion of victimisation.
There is a belief by most victims of abuse that they won’t make it on their own. Battered women also believe that no one else will provide intimacy and companionship yet anyone can also find new and more supportive relationships.
At times women endure battering for the sake of higher commitment such as religious benefits in the afterlife. Women are usually encouraged at church to pray harder and please their husbands. Other women have a stronger commitment to their nuclear family and find it difficult to move on.
Some believe that for the sake of their children any marriage is better than no marriage. Some wait till the children are all grown up and then divorce, some pretend to be in happier marriages when they are not for the sake of children, family, friends and relatives. On the other hand, some continue to believe that one day things will change for the better.
- Vaidah Mashangwa is the Provincial Development Officer in the Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development, Bulawayo. She can be contacted on 0772111592 email vmashangwa@ gmail.com
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