Andrew
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
DEAR Amai, how are you? I am 36 and my wife is 32 years old. We are blessed with a four-year-old toddler. We have been married for five years and I have seen housemaids come and go.
I have never been bothered by it because my wife takes care of the situation all the time. I merely see it as staff turnover.
Of late, my wife has befriended the maid to a level I am failing to understand. She no longer goes to the salon.
The maid does her hair, and they drive to get pizza and eat together. Also, they watch movies together and even share jokes and images on their phones. My wife bought an expensive smartphone for her. Last night, I came home early and found the house locked. I waited for two good hours, only to be told that they had just gone for a joyride.
My sixth sense tells me there is something fishy, but I do not know how to break the ice. I told my friend at work about the development and all he said was “Wakapusa”.
Amai, this is causing a lot of discomfort. The maid is closer to my wife than I am. Now, she even prefers to work from home than from the office. What do you make of this? Please help.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. Your wife is acting quite bizarre. She should treat an employee as such. The joyrides and the fact that they cannot get enough of each other is quite alarming.
You are, however, choosing to suffer in silence. Why not have a candid talk with her and get to the bottom of it?
It would help if you do your own investigation. Where does the maid come from?
What kind of company does she keep and is your wife somehow getting absorbed into all of this? Is your wife lonely? Does she have siblings and friends of her own? She could be turning to the maid because of pure companionship. Either way, get to the bottom of it and advise your wife to act more professionally.
If all of this fails and it continues to cause tension, I think it would be best to let her go and find a new maid.
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Being punished for my good deed
When I started dating my wife, she had just broken up with her childhood sweetheart. The two dated for many years. I knew about it, but never had reason to open closed chapters.
This past relationship had even brought their families together. I love my wife and she loves and respects me.
We have a set of twins. A month ago, my mother-in-law fell sick. We went to their rural home and brought my mother in law together with baba to our home in town.
We did this for convenience so that we could take her to the doctor and monitor her progress without having to go to the rural home every now and then.
Amai, I regret this decision because my mother-in-law is really getting on my nerves. A day hardly passes without her comparing me to my wife’s ex.
She adored this guy and she cannot hide it. I told my wife that I hate it when she talks and heaps praises on this ex as if I do not exist. Would I be wrong if I let my wife take them back?
I cannot stand her any longer! I do not understand her intentions. Maybe I should just face the situation and tell her off in a direct confrontation. Please help.
Response
I am glad that your relationship is going well. As for your mother-in-law, she seems to be trying to stir up trouble.
The past is in the past and it is a shame you are being disrespected in your own home. I think you need to tell your wife to have a chat with her mother.
If this persists, then I think you can send her back to her home and facilitate the doctor visits as and when necessary. It is important to cultivate peace in every home. Do not let her steal your joy or drive a wedge between the two of you.
Baba is uncharacteristically quiet in all this. Where does he weigh in? I hope she will listen when she is told what effect this is having on your marriage. If not, a little bit of space will keep the family intact.
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Wife changing right in front of me
Some say the more one is educated, the more they understand life and other issues better. I took this as gospel truth and sent my then humble wife to college.
She is now in her final year but, alas, she has started bleaching, wearing colourful long hair, artificial nails and lashes.
To be honest with you, I do not recognise her at all. My main concern is that this will compromise her health. I tried to have a discussion with her and she told me not to bother since we are now worlds apart. Is this a rational response from someone I went out of my way to help educate? If she continues, I am prepared to set her free because I do not want this circus in my home. I am so furious Amai, please help. The situation is very tense.
Response
Some minds question whether people are who they are because of their nature or if their nature is a product of their environment. Your wife seems too engrossed in a form of campus culture, a bad one albeit.
While dressing and hairstyles are determined by one’s preferences, you are right in reprimanding the bleaching as it compromises her health.
What is the age difference between the two of you? I am sensing she may have missed the phase she is currently going through.
Her response was harsh. When the two of you fell in love and wed, she was a different person and this sudden evolution has taken you by surprise.
Engage her tete (father’s sister) and tell her of what is transpiring and how you wish to go back to the days of old or see her at least tone it down.
I think such a reasonable compromise when done through a good mediator can yield results. If not, then I think there is more to it than just the external transformation.
Your whole relationship and outlook on life may need to be re-evaluated before making a binding decision. Stay calm and try to get to the bottom of this. I wish you all the best.
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