Online Reporter
Dear Tete Joyie:
Hope I find you well, the issue that brought me here is giving me sleepless nights.
I am working in a foreign land, and my husband was recently laid off from work. The problem is he does not want to do any household chores. He waits for me to cook when I am back from work and clean the house.
I have tried talking to him, but he is always saying you are my wife, and those are your duties. He spends his days sleeping on the couch and playing games on his phone.
He does not appreciate that I will be coming from work and need some rest on top of it all I am the one who is paying all the bills and school fees for our kids.
How best can I handle this situation?
Tete Joyie Says:
This is a very heavy situation, and it is understandable that it’s leaving you exhausted and frustrated. You are carrying the financial and emotional weight of the household while also being denied support at home. The dynamic you describe — where your husband insists chores are “your duty” while he contributes neither financially nor domestically — is unfair and unsustainable. The key here is to set clear boundaries, communicate firmly, and decide what you will and will not tolerate going forward.
Here is a step-by-step guide you can use to approach this:
Clarify your boundaries
Reflect First
Get clear on what you can and cannot continue doing alone.
Write down the specific chores and responsibilities overwhelming you
Decide which tasks you expect him to share (eg, cooking, cleaning, childcare)
Identify your non-negotiables: what you refuse to keep doing without support
Have a direct conversation
Key talk
Address the imbalance calmly but firmly.
Say: “I cannot continue working full-time, paying all the bills, and also doing all the housework. This is not sustainable.”
Use “I” statements to avoid blame while expressing impact
Be specific: outline what needs to change
Avoid arguing about gender roles; focus on fairness and partnership
Set practical expectations
Translate your boundaries into clear, shared responsibilities.
Divide chores realistically (eg, he cooks dinner, you handle laundry)
Agree on a schedule so tasks don’t pile up
If he resists, calmly restate that this is about mutual respect and shared responsibility
Follow through on consequences
Sensitive step
If he refuses to change, you must protect your own well-being.
Stop over-functioning: don’t pick up his slack if he refuses
Consider outside support (family, counselling, community)
If the situation remains unchanged, reflect on whether this partnership is meeting your needs
This is not just about chores, it is about respect, partnership, and shared responsibility. You deserve rest, appreciation, and support.
If he continues to dismiss your needs, you may need to consider stronger measures, like counselling or even revaluating the relationship.
Sleepless nights of betrayal
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am a married man aged 42 and have three kids. I recently found out that my second child is not mine. I feel so betrayed and cheated in the worst way ever. I married my wife while she was a virgin, and we have been together for the past 18 years. My second son is 15-years-old, and it means she cheated very early into our marriage. I am so hurt and disturbed. I have since moved from the main bedroom. Divorce is the last thing that I would want to do, but with the way that she has betrayed me, I am not sure if I will be able to forgive her. Help me!
Tete Joyie Says:
That discovery is deeply painful, and it makes sense that you feel betrayed and unsure how to move forward. You have invested 18 years into your marriage, raised children together, and now you are facing a truth that shakes the foundation of trust. Divorce may not be what you want, but forgiveness and rebuilding trust will require deliberate steps, emotional honesty, and possibly professional support.
Here is a structured way to approach this situation:
Process your emotions
Reflect first
Give yourself space to feel the hurt before making decisions.
Write down your feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness
Avoid making impulsive decisions while emotions are raw
Consider confiding in a trusted friend or counsellor
Seek the full truth
Sensitive topic
Understanding what happened is essential before deciding next steps.
Say: “I need you to be completely honest with me about what happened back then. I cannot move forward without the truth.”
Ask direct but calm questions about the circumstances
Clarify whether this was a one-time event or part of a pattern
Listen carefully, even if the answers are painful
Communicate your boundaries
Key conversation
Express what you can and cannot accept going forward.
Say: “I love our family, but I cannot ignore this betrayal. If we are to continue, I need clear boundaries and respect.”
Use “I” statements to avoid escalating conflict
Be specific about what rebuilding trust would require
Make clear that silence or denial is not acceptable
Consider Professional Support
A neutral third party can help you both navigate the pain.
Explore marriage counselling to rebuild communication
Individual therapy can help you process betrayal
Counselling provides tools for forgiveness or separation
Decide on the way forward
High stakes
Ultimately, you must choose whether to rebuild or let go.
Reflect on whether forgiveness feels possible
Consider the impact on your children and family stability
Remember that staying together should not mean tolerating disrespect
This is not a quick fix, it is a journey of healing, truth, and choice. You may find that forgiveness is possible with time and effort, or you may decide that the betrayal is too deep. Either way, you deserve clarity, respect, and peace.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
