Online Reporter
Dear Amai, I am 36 years old and traditionally married to a 68-year-old man. I am his second wife and together we are blessed with a five-year-old son.
My husband is a highly respected man in both the community and church. From his side of the family, I only know one tete (aunt) who is very close to him, as well as two of his childhood friends.
He loves me deeply and takes good care of me. I have my own apartment where I live with my child.
However, Amai, I feel like a trapped prisoner. I do not attend family functions on my husband’s side, whether in times of joy or sorrow. He visits me occasionally, mostly when he has work trips.
Sometimes we travel together or he extends his stay to spend a few days with me. Amai, I long for freedom. How can I achieve this without destroying our relationship?
Response
Hello, and thank you for writing in. I suspect that you are a secret wife.
I doubt that he has ever openly declared to his other wife and family that he intended to have a polygamous marriage.
The tete you know is not fulfilling her role as expected within the family.
You should inform her that you want to meet the wider family and stop being kept hidden.
Freedom is one of the most important rights in life and you deserve it. Culturally, there is no such thing as a “private wife”, especially if lobola was paid.
Why have you allowed this situation to continue for so long? How does your own family view this arrangement? Voice your concerns directly to him. While it is natural to yearn for freedom and to be recognised by the rest of the family, remember that freedom must also come with accountability.
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I wish I had never left home
Amai makadii? I am 42 years old and married to a 40-year-old woman. We are blessed with two beautiful children. Both of us are employed, although we have faced some financial struggles.
A cunning friend of mine convinced me that artisanal mining was highly profitable. Despite my wife and children advising me to stay away from the venture, I allowed myself to be persuaded.
I quit my job and joined my friends. It has now been five months of regret and nothing has come my way. I jumped out of the pan into the fire.
I have been trying to contact my wife, but she no longer wants to hear anything from me or about me. I feel I have reduced myself to nothing. Amai, I kindly ask you to speak to my wife on my behalf. I want to return home to my family. I know I cannot go back to my old job, but I am willing to humble myself and beg for it again.
Response
I am well, thank you for asking. You are right to blame yourself for the situation you find yourself in today. You acted without considering the bigger picture.
In hindsight, you should have taken some time off (leave) and tried the new venture before quitting your job entirely.
When you are persuaded to make big decisions, it is important to give yourself time to think and weigh your options carefully.
Life is a gamble — sometimes you win and at other time you lose. Your wife sounds very angry and I believe she feels deeply let down. Unfortunately,
I cannot plead on your behalf, as I only deal directly with my writers. Instead, speak to vanatete and arrange a family meeting. I hope she will be able to forgive you. I wish you all the best.
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Am I ungrateful?
Dear Amai, I am a 65-year-old woman married to a man aged 66. We have a rural retirement home and are involved in several projects in the rural area.
We are blessed with four adult children, all of whom are married, and we have seven grandchildren.
At the moment, I am in the city for my routine medical checkups, staying with my eldest son and his family. We are beneficiaries of his medical aid.
My son and his family practise healthy eating and are vegetarians. They impose this lifestyle on everyone who visits them. I would like to eat what I prefer and not be forced to change my diet.
For hot beverages, they only serve black coffee or black tea, accompanied by the slices of bread they recommend.
Would I be wrong if I suggested staying with my daughter, who also lives in the same city, and then allowing my son’s family to fetch me for my doctor’s appointments?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. Well done for raising a responsible family man. Now it is his turn to look after you. Regarding the diet,
I would feel the same way if it was imposed on me. I hope you comply when the doctor gives you medical instructions, rather than resisting in the same manner.
I do not think it is proper to ask your daughter to take you in without first discussing it openly.
Doing so may create unnecessary discord between your children.
While diet plays an important role in one’s health, you must also enjoy your food. Tell your son and his wife what you would prefer to eat — he is still your child.
If you wish to stay with your daughter, do not plan it behind your son and his wife’s back. Bring it up openly as a family discussion. You sound like you desperately miss your tea hobvu. I wish you all the best.
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