Mudzimba

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 38-year-old woman. I am married and we are blessed with four kids. My husband and I are both employed, but we do not make much. We supplement our earnings by growing and selling vegetables. My husband drinks a lot. He buys the alcohol from a bottle store at our shopping centre and has been nicknamed “Vakuru” because of his behaviour. He is even allowed to take beer on credit.

At the end of each month, more than half of his salary goes towards drinks while I am left struggling to put food on the table for the family. There is a lot of tension in our home because we had a physical fight and we are not on talking terms. My intention is to go to the bottle store and confront the lady who owns the place because she is indirectly destroying my marriage. My kids are disadvantaged in many ways because of this lady’s business.

Response

I am well and thank you very much for reaching out to me. I am sorry about how things are going. I feel sorry for the kids who are missing out on things because of their father’s selfish choices. You are misdirecting your anger. Do not go on a witch-hunt. The problem lies with your husband. Legally, you have no right to confront the bottle store owner because she is running a legitimate business and your husband is a valued patron. You can be arrested for bothering her.

Talk to your husband. Create a combined budget. Devise a method that prevents him from spending large amounts on alcohol as it disadvantages the family. Children are precious gifts from God; their welfare should never be compromised.

Stop fighting each other as you can seriously injure yourselves. I suggest you both go for professional counselling so that you learn communication skills and family responsibilities. If you cannot afford this, try and get assistance from your elderly relatives like aunts and uncles. I wish you all the best.

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How do I get custody of my child?

Dear Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column; I enjoy reading it every week. I am a 27-year-old man and I have been very unlucky in love. I was in a troubled marriage that lasted six months.

We ended up having an unplanned son, whom we both love. As I write to you, my ex-wife moved out and has full custody of the child. I cannot cope with her demands. My son is just one-year -old but the money that I am asked to pay per month is enough to cater for her whole family. I spoke to her about my intention to take over the custody of the baby, but she refused. She is going out with other men and I do not want my child to grow up in such a toxic environment. Please help me.

Response

Hello writer, thank you very much for supporting this column. It is very sad that your marriage came to an unhappy end. The child may have been unplanned, but he is here now and deserves the support of both his parents.

If you want a fair custody deal, I advise you to go to a civil court. The law will look at where the child’s best interests lie before awarding custody. The court will establish fair maintenance payments and visit schedules. Now that you are divorced, it leaves me with no room to ask how the marriage broke down. It is now water under the bridge. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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To do or not to do

Dear Amai, how are you? I am aged 39 and my husband is 42. We are blessed with two school-going children. My husband’s only sister is of loose morals. She has four kids and has never been married. They all have different fathers and she is not even sure of their paternity.

Three of her children have been distributed among the other siblings. One has been left with my in-laws at their rural home. He is a sorry sight because the mother is hardly there and my in-laws are quite old now.

We have decided to help look after this child. We are debating on whether to send him to the nearest farm school or to let him join our children at a private school they attend. What hurts most is that auntie feels entitled to various forms of assistance. She is never grateful when assisted; she thinks it is our responsibility to help her. For how long is she going to act like this?

Response

I am very well and thanks for inquiring. I wonder what kind of a family allows such behaviour to go on unchecked. The parents should work actively to put her in line. She cannot keep on having children she cannot look after. Thank you for considering taking the child to school. When you do something from the heart, do your very best. In all fairness, you are an answered prayer for this child. If you can afford to send him to the same private school as your kids, please do so. Help shape his future. I wish you all the best.

 

 Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com