A port in any storm

Blessing Musariri Shelling the Nuts

Children are not just a by-product of good times and playing house, they are a responsibility. A big one. Sure, the mother of your children can also return to her mother (and maybe father), but now she has children of her own to look after and these children basically do not have their father.

I was in court the other day (don’t ask why, it’s a long and boring story), and the first case called out was a paternity suit. The couple looked to be in their early 20s. The young woman was asking for child support for two children, one still a baby and the other a school-going infant.

When asked how much she needed for both children, she said $100 a month. The young man was asked how much he could afford to pay, he said $20 a month for both children.

When asked why only that, he said that he had been laid off work and had no way of making the money.

He said he had actually gone back to live with his mother and she was currently looking after him.

Not only did he have these two children, if I recall correctly, he had another child somewhere else with another woman and here he was being looked after by his own mother.

Now, I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I have never understood the concept that as a man you go ahead and procreate and when reality bites, you abandon your progeny and expect their mother will “make a plan” while you yourself, return to your own mother for sustenance.

Children are not just a by-product of good times and playing house, they are a responsibility. A big one.

Sure, the mother of your children can also return to her mother (and maybe father), but now she has children of her own to look after and these children basically do not have their father.

So back in court, I had noticed a sign at the door that said, “No jeans. No open shoes,” etc.

The young man was wearing both jeans and open shoes. Discussing this later, when someone made mention of what I had worn to court, I was told, well that young man probably did it on purpose in the hope that he wouldn’t be allowed in court, but he would at least be recorded to have shown up.

The other version of course could be that those were the best of “smart casual” that he had available.

He did not look to me like the sort who might have a smart pair of trousers somewhere in his wardrobe, to tell the truth. I thought it was decent of him to at least show up and try to explain himself.

However, his demeanour indicated that he was not really prepared to do much else. I get it, times are really tough right now, but they are tough for everyone, especially so for a young woman, also not formally employed and with two mouths to feed.

Being a woman, it is naturally expected of you that at some point in your life, you are to become a wife and if not that, then certainly, a mother.

This is the reason that a woman is a woman, and if you do not perform your role in at least the latter, then there is something wrong with you and in Shona culture, you will be buried with a rat.

I don’t think they do this anymore, but I was once asked if that is what I wanted for myself, having gotten to this advanced stage of my life without bearing even one child.

I was taken aback by her infringement of my right to decide what works for my life and this was from a cousin I see maybe once a year at best. I asked her, if I had problems raising this child would she assist me with school fees and food and shelter, but ultimately I told her that I would be dead and I wouldn’t care what they did.

They would be the ones who have the trouble to locate and catch the rat that they felt fit to be buried with me.

These days, young woman are educated and can work and create good lives for themselves. There are even sperm banks for those women who are not in relationships and want to have a child, knowing that they are in a position to give this child a good life.

This is a decision many women are making in the modern lifestyle context, for a variety of reasons.

Of course in the traditional context this would be a big no-no, because people need to have a clan identity with which your child may be associated, a history, a point of reference. But back to the issue at hand. Life is not the same as it was many years ago and women have choices.

Weddings are wonderful, but they are one day out of a lifetime and marriage and children are something that changes your life forever.

One needs to consider both seriously before they commit themselves and it is the very definition of commitment (ironically the same word that is used when one is finally driven mad by everything and placed in the mental health system).

The other side of the coin is that perhaps if one considers this too seriously, chances are they will opt out so they should just do it before thinking too much about it, like bungee jumping or rock-climbing.

Leaping before looking seems the most popular option as far as I can see, and that, I guess is part of the essence of life.

We are part of the animal kingdom after all. However, we have more rigorous expectations of ourselves, including not leaving our young to fend for themselves as soon as they are able to feed themselves and fly.

Someone once said to me, if I had a choice, I would come back to this life as a man. I would try by all means to be a good man, but this is not requisite of me.

If I made a mistake and made a girl pregnant, I could simply deny that the child is mine and if and when it was proved to be mine, I would do what I could to look after it financially and maybe spend time with the child if I was not too busy.

I would continue working towards improving my life so that I could better support the child, like if I had to be finishing a degree or something because it wouldn’t help any of us for me to give up school so I could go and start a low-level job in order to make money for porridge.

Then when I’m finished I would be in a better position to help with the child, but maybe by then I would have met the real girl I would want to marry and if it was not convenient then I would just forget about this other child and maybe send some money from time to time, but really it’s not like I have that much of a relationship with the child anyway as I hardly see it and probably the mother of the child will have married someone else by that time.

In this new family of mine, I would finally have the chance to do it right but if things got too tough as you know they often do in marriages, I could maybe go out for milk one day and never come back again and I would go and start afresh somewhere else.

Okay, so that really was more in the movies than real life, especially now, but seriously, if it got to the point where I really couldn’t cope anymore and I didn’t know what else to do I too would just go back home to my mother. Even if she was angry or disappointed in me, she would still look after me.

But what about your children? I asked. What would you do about them? I would try my best, but you know when times are hard and work is hard to find and all that, there really would be nothing I could do.

Ultimately I know the children would be okay, because they’d be with their mother.