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Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
This week, as we continue the series on mature singles’ journey to finding lasting connections in love, I would like to highlight the metaphorical expression used by Jesus to illustrate the incompatibility between the old and the new, which can help both singles and married reflect on how to improve relationships.
Jesus says in Matthew 9:17: “Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”
(Also see Mark 2:22 and Luke 5:38). In the context of mature singles hoping to find love again, this verse can be seen as an analogy in this way:
Old wineskins can represent the past, with its scars, hurts, and rigid patterns, while new wine represents new experiences, relationships, and perspectives.
Just as old wineskins are incapable of holding new wine without bursting, similarly, trying to fit new relationships or experiences into the mould of past patterns or mindsets can be harmful and counterproductive.
In the context of mature singles, I drew these lessons from the said verse:
Be willing to let go of the past and its emotional baggage (old wineskins).
Be open to new experiences, perspectives, and relationships (new wine).
Be willing to adapt and grow, embracing new ways of thinking and relating (new wineskins).
Don’t try to force new relationships into the constraints of the past, it may lead to disappointment, heartache, or stagnation.
Instead, embrace the newness that comes with finding love again, allowing selves to grow, learn, and evolve in the process.
This analogy encourages mature singles to approach new relationships with a fresh perspective, releasing the old to make room for the new, and being open to the transformative power of love and connection.
As we journey through the dating landscape, it is essential to acknowledge and confront harmful traits and mistakes that can hinder meaningful connections.
For reflection and personal growth, here are some common pitfalls exhibited by single men and women, though not exhaustive:
Fear of vulnerability: Avoiding emotional openness and intimacy
Lack of accountability: Blaming others or circumstances for relationship failures
Inability to communicate effectively: Failing to express needs and feelings whether deliberately or not
Fear of commitment: Avoiding long-term relationships or labelling them as “too serious”
Objectification of partners: Focusing on physical appearance rather than character and values
Common mistakes/traits in single women:
Low self-esteem: Settling for unhealthy relationships or tolerating poor treatment
Over-dependence: Relying too heavily on partners for emotional validation
Fear of being alone: Settling for unfulfilling relationships to avoid solitude
Lack of boundaries: Allowing partners to disrespect or disregard personal limits
Overly high expectations: Setting unrealistic standards for partners, leading to disappointment
It is crucial to recognise these traits in ourselves, some of which, however, overlap between men and women. What is important is to identify them and work towards personal growth.
Consider asking yourself the following: (and you can add more questions that interrogate how we handle ourselves in the attempt to either start or maintain healthy, long-term relationships):
Do I struggle with vulnerability or accountability?
Do I hide behind the busyness of work, and personal development (perhaps post-graduate studies or career development), to be unavailable and avoid potential meaningful connections? (Then one is surprised at the end of years of only hard work and missed relationship opportunities — to have amassed staggering wealth and obtained “more degrees than a thermometer” as one preacher would say only to find oneself with that heap of achievements yet no one to share or enjoy it all with).
In my view, love is more evident, meaningful and beautiful when shared.
Do I prioritise effective communication and mutual respect in my relationships?
Am I settling for unhealthy thinking patterns or holding myself to unrealistic standards
Am I too arrogant (Mr/Ms Know-It-All) that a potential partner, or a spouse in the case of marriage, cannot tell me anything?
Do I bring baggage from the past, into a new relationship and keep stereotyping potential partners, based on previous bad experiences?
Am I too negative in my view of life and relationships?
What temperament am I known for, “mbiri yangu ndeyei” regarding temper,? Am I cheeky? Do I have anger management issues and could this be hurting my relationships or chances of landing a life partner?
Is my behaviour violent, aggressive? What feedback do I get from others about how I treat them? Unombobvunzawo those in your inner circle.
By checking, acknowledging, and addressing these and other harmful traits, I believe we can develop healthier relationship habits and pave the way for attracting or nurturing positive connections.
Important to note, however that is if the right partner hasn’t come yet, don’t take it personally or beat yourself about it. Stay positive. Be ready and deliberate on your part. Zvinoita chete. There’s a time and season for everything.
So this July I’m just thinking, no matter what has transpired in your relationships thus far, trust God to make the second half of 2024 a transformative period in your life.
Critical, in addition to prayer, is the need to embrace self-awareness, personal growth, and constructive communication, especially if you feel you lack in some of the areas discussed or you identify with some of the traits. Align yourself with behaviours that foster meaningful relationships and see the transformation that begins to unfold.
Need guidance or support with all this? Please don’t hesitate to contact me. Let’s continue the conversation and work together to build fulfilling, lasting connections that contribute to stronger, healthier lifestyles and families.
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