Online Reporter
This week we have a confused Christian counting triplets after one romantic encounter, a married man eyeing dangerous fruit from the neighbour’s garden, and a gent whose girlfriend has developed a relationship more serious than theirs… with her phone.
TRIPLETS FROM ONE MINUTE?
Dear Bra Binzy,
I am a 25-year-old God-fearing man. I slept with my girlfriend without protection and she got pregnant. The scan says she’s expecting triplets.
The problem is that the sex, although very satisfying, lasted less than a minute and we even prayed before indulging. We did not even use those ungodly positions named after animals.
Despite all that, she is expecting triplets. How can it be?
Bra Binzy, I love this woman very much and it breaks my heart to even consider that she is unfaithful. Yet the facts remain that she could not get pregnant with triplets after our one and only decent lovemaking.
It’s clear she slept with one of those devil-possessed men with big organs who love styles named after animals and have sex for two hours.
How can I get her to confess so that I can forgive her? How do I ensure she does not do it again?
I really love this woman, Bra.
— Hurt, Christian and loving
Bra Binzy responds
Eish mfowethu…
I nearly fell off my chair when I read this letter. My brother, where did you get this mathematics from?
Triplets do not arrive because somebody drove a Ferrari in the bedroom for two hours. A pregnancy is not measured using a stopwatch. If that were true, half the men in Zimbabwe would be carrying stopwatches and timing themselves like Olympic athletes.
Triplets happen when multiple eggs are released or when a fertilised egg splits. It is biology, not bedroom league tables.
The fact that you prayed beforehand also has nothing to do with how many babies arrive. God is many things, but He is not sitting with a calculator deciding, “One minute? Ah, give them only one baby.”
Your girlfriend may be completely faithful. You have already arrested, prosecuted and convicted an imaginary man with a giant organ and animal-themed techniques without producing a single witness.
Instead of demanding confessions, support your woman. Triplets are expensive enough without adding detective work and unnecessary drama.
And please stop worrying about how long you lasted. Many men have scored goals in the first minute of the match.
The scoreboard does not ask how long the striker spent warming up.
Congratulations, future father. Start buying nappies instead of conspiracy theories.
MY WIFE’S BESTIE IS MY DREAM WOMAN
Dear Bra Binzy,
I have a serious crush on my wife’s best friend.
Nowadays I look forward to Saturdays when she visits us with her fiancé. This woman is vibrant, funny, beautiful, caring and a wonderful cook. She is everything that my wife is not.
The problem is that because she is so friendly and open-minded, it is difficult to gauge if she notices my advances disguised as naughty jokes. She jokes right back without missing a beat.
I am increasingly drawn to her.
My wife does not suspect anything so far.
How can I make her mine without others knowing?
— Confused
Bra Binzy responds:
Sisi… no, wait. Mfowethu… haa!
You are standing in a minefield wearing flip-flops.
First things first. You are not in love with this woman. You are in love with the version of her that visits on Saturdays carrying snacks and good vibes.
You have never argued with her about school fees, electricity tokens, leaking taps or relatives who arrive unannounced for a two-week visit and stay for three months. That is why she appears perfect.
Secondly, you want to make her yours “without others knowing”. That is usually how the opening scene of a disaster movie starts.
Imagine losing your wife, destroying a friendship, humiliating her fiancé and becoming the main topic in every family WhatsApp group from Plumtree to Mutare.
The fact that she laughs at your jokes means absolutely nothing. Friendly people laugh. Cashiers laugh.
Receptionists laugh. It does not mean they want to start a secret romance.
Stop feeding this crush. Stop testing boundaries through naughty jokes. Redirect your energy into fixing whatever gaps you see in your marriage.
You say she is everything your wife is not. The wiser question is this: when was the last time you invested enough effort to help your wife become the best version of herself?
Water your own garden, mfowethu. The neighbour’s flowers may look beautiful, but prison walls also look beautiful from a distance.
MY GIRLFRIEND IS DATING HER PHONE
Dear Bra Binzy,
My girlfriend and I can spend an entire evening together without saying more than ten words.
The reason is simple. She is always on her phone.
When we go out, she is on TikTok. When we eat, she is on WhatsApp. When we watch a movie, she is commenting on Facebook. Sometimes she laughs so hard at her screen that tears come out while I sit there like a security guard protecting her handbag.
Last week I tried to compete by staying on my own phone. We sat together for nearly two hours and neither of us spoke. Should I break up with her and let her marry her phone?
— Ignored but Connected
Bra Binzy Responds:
Eish mfowethu…
You are not in a love triangle. You are in a relationship with a woman whose third wheel is fully charged and connected to Wi-Fi.
The problem is not the phone itself. The problem is attention.
A relationship survives on conversation, laughter, eye contact and shared experiences. If all those things are being outsourced to social media, trouble is loading faster than a fibre connection.
Before ending the relationship, have an honest conversation. Tell her how you feel without attacking her. Explain that you miss interacting with her.
Maybe she does not realise how bad the habit has become.
If she listens and makes an effort, excellent. If she chooses TikTok over your feelings every single time, then you have your answer.
Remember, a healthy relationship needs two active participants. One person cannot carry the entire conversation while the other scrolls through dance videos and motivational quotes.
And if she eventually marries her phone, make sure the phone pays lobola.
Until next week, keep your hearts open, your minds sharp and your WhatsApp evidence backed up safely!
Want Bra Binzy to fix your messy umjolo situation?
Email: [email protected]
WhatsApp: +263 789 685 733
Use the hashtag #DearBraBinzy
