adminTHE past week I have been talking about the unending triangle war that involves mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and I figured, what a better way to end it than apologise to each other. Accept the past mistakes and start all over on a clean page, which by the way should remain clean.
Forgiveness is a choice and if you were holding on to some painful words or doings then you are not doing yourself a favour.
Just let go and enjoy the benefits. You do not have to wait for forgiveness to just wash over you all of a sudden, but you have to apologise to those that you have wronged.
You have to choose to apologise and forgive, do not give your power away and let past mistakes haunt you. The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional so choose wisely — forgive yourself and those that have wronged you.
I know what I am talking about and I am sure most people can relate with what I am talking about. When I am angry at someone, I feel as though I am carrying a bag full of heavy bricks around and when I apologise or forgive I feel light in a literal way — it is a great feeling.
Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
The most compelling and common reason to apologise is over a personal offence. Whether we have ignored, belittled, betrayed, or publicly humiliated someone, the common denominator of any personal offence is that we have diminished or injured a person’s feelings. A couple of weeks ago I said something mean and hurtful to my sister and a dear close friend of mine reprimanded me in a modest and subtle way. She did not come out charging at me, but she made me realise the wrong I had done by taking out my frustration on this poor girl I used as a punching bag because I was having a bad day. As young as she is I took my time to phone her and apologise for what I had done and immediately I felt good because of my apology.
Back to our column, I want to encourage everyone to try and apologise each time they offend someone. Do not justify what you did or said, just apologise and forgive. I know too many a time at work, and around us we tend to lock horns and in the process we act in an inappropriate way that hurts the next person and because of our age, positions or egos we fail to apologise. I have always thought that forgiving people who hurt me is really hard. I thought it seemed so unfair for them to receive forgiveness when I had gotten hurt. I got pain, and they got freedom without having to pay for the pain they caused therefore I would think of a way to revenge rather than forgive. Years on I realise that I could have saved myself from the misery that I brought upon myself by holding on to the hurt I felt inside of me, the burning urge to hit back and the mess up I created while revenging.
In life we need to forgive the person who badly hurt you long ago and also the stranger who stepped on your toe on the pavements. Take those two extremes and forgive them in addition to everyone in between, try and forgive quickly because the quicker you do it, the easier it is. A genuine apology offered and accepted is one of the most profound interactions of civilised people, it has the power to restore damaged relationships, be they on a small scale, between two people, such as intimates, or on a grand scale, between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, bosses and juniors.
If done correctly, an apology can heal humiliation and generate forgiveness and by so doing heal deep wounds and mend broken hearts and people can move on without limbs. Despite its importance, apologising is opposite to the ever-pervasive values of winning, success, and perfection. A successful apology requires empathy and the security and strength to admit fault, failure, and weakness but we are so busy concentrating on winning the battle that we cannot concede our own mistakes. Whatever the motive, what makes an apology work is the exchange of shame and power between the offender and the offended.
When you apologise you take the shame of your offence and redirect it to yourself. You admit to hurting or diminishing someone and, in effect, say that you are really the one who is diminished. I am the one who was wrong, mistaken, insensitive, or stupid. In acknowledging your shame you give the offended the power to forgive. The exchange and forgiveness is at the heart of the healing process.
We are taught from an early age to say, “I am sorry.” “I am sorry” represents our awareness of and regret for someone who is hurt by our words or behaviour. We may not initially understand what we are saying or the need for this expression. However, it is not long before we begin to connect its meaning and the fruit associated with its use. The blessing that is associated with “I’m sorry” affects others and ourselves, when you apologise you not only offload a heavy burden from you, but you also bring joy and relief to the person you offended.
“I am sorry” is the most magical phrase that can ever be uttered. It is the bridge between war and peace, and the building block to the survival of humanity. The most common cause of failure in an apology or an apology altogether avoided is the offender’s pride. It’s a fear of shame. To apologise, you have to acknowledge that you made a mistake. You have to admit that you failed to live up to values like sensitivity, thoughtfulness, faithfulness, fairness, and honesty. Such an admission is especially difficult to bear when there was some degree of intention behind the wrongdoing, but this is a discussion for another day.
Till next week let’s keep talking. Email [email protected]
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