malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married woman and I am the firstborn in my family. My spouse is also the firstborn from his side, thus our families make a lot of demands on us.
At times it is very difficult for us to manage. We are gainfully employed and have schoolgoing kids. Our parents are all alive and retired.
Christmas is supposed to be a happy time but for some of us, it is the opposite. I do not know if it is a rule that even if you cannot afford, you have to get into debt to make sure you buy presents for family members, especially your in-laws.
For this upcoming Christmas, I had bought some fabric for my mother and mother-in-law so that they could make outfits of their own choice from the material. It is weeks before Christmas, but my mother-in-law is already calling and asking me when her present is going to be ready.
My husband spilled the beans and told her about the fabric, and I hear she was not very impressed by the idea. She has now told us what she prefers. I am tired. What can I do to make this stop?
Response
I am well and thanks for inquiring. I have noted your concern. In life, you must be principled. You cannot be pushed to get into debt because of presents.
You must learn to be true to yourselves in marriage. It is unfortunate these problems are emanating from adults who may not even have consistently done this for their own parents. Presents come in different ways.
Quality time and bonding together as a family are a gift in itself.
Notify family and friends that you can only give what you have or afford. This can either be in cash or kind. There should be a big difference between how kids and adults perceive Christmas goodies.
It is very noble to spoil your parents and in-laws, but the truth is you can only do so when resources permit. Please do not stress yourself; the festive season is a time for celebrations.
Communication is key. Do not take offence; instead, rope in your husband to help you communicate this message to everyone.
I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Uncle ‘bae’ is lurking
Dear Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column; it is very educational. I am a guy aged 22 and I am still in college. I am going out with a lady of the same age. I suspect she is double-crossing me with an older businessman.
This man visits frequently and brings a lot of goodies and even cash. I asked her about him, and she said he was her uncle (father’s brother).
She further stated that he does not want to hear that she is going out with anyone, but to focus on studies.
I am upset because my sixth sense tells me something is off.
Her best friend is on my side and she has volunteered to help me trap and confront them. Since I want to know the truth, should I unite with her friend and expose them?
Response
Thank you very much for writing in. I am glad you are finding the column helpful. From your letter, I established that you are most likely chasing the wind.
I cannot say for certain but your gut feeling alone seems to be telling you what you already know.
You sound wound up.
You are still a young man. Put more effort and concentrate on your studies.
Do not be played like a silly pawn in a very complicated chess game.
Your girlfriend’s best friend is equally troublesome. I do not understand why she is fighting in your corner.
Tread carefully. Confrontation is dangerous and legally inappropriate. Walk away from this relationship with your dignity intact and use it as a learning curve.
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Failing to compromise
I am a married 33-year-old woman with two kids. My husband is 34 and we are both gainfully employed. When we got married, we attended separate churches. We discussed choosing one that we would both feel comfortable to attend with our kids. Each one of us pushed for their own church and it did not work.
My husband was a very sober man when we met, but now, he drinks and smokes. He even loses control of himself.
He comes from a strong religious background and his people are blaming me for this plunge. I do not like traditional churches because I find their routines boring; that is why I cannot compromise. Please help. How do I fix this, Amai?
Response
Greetings writer. Your letter made my reading very sad because I do not think you are looking for God. Your religion is the same. Churches are not for entertainment but for people to have a sound relationship with God. Life, especially marriage, is about compromise. You cannot have it your way all the time.
You claim his church is boring. Have you given it a try? It is unfortunate your husband has gone to the deep end with regard to his behaviour.
I am not sure if this has anything to do with church. Why are people from your husband’s side quick to link the issue to church? I strongly recommend professional counselling for both of you. I think it will help you get on the same page. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
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