Online Reporter
Dear Tete Joyie:
I AM a 27-year-old man who was out of work for three years after graduation, but I recently landed a well-paying job. I am currently living on my own and supporting my parents financially, sending them a portion of my income each month. However, my 22-year-old girlfriend thinks I am giving them too much, referring to it as “black tax.” She believes I should prioritise my own financial goals. I feel obligated to support my parents, given their sacrifices for my education. This disagreement has made me question whether she is the right person for me, especially since I had planned to get married by 30.
Tete Joyie Says:
This is a deeply personal crossroads, and I really admire your honesty and introspection. You are navigating a complex intersection of love, duty, culture, and ambition and that is no small feat.
The “Black Tax” debate
The term “black tax” often refers to the financial support that black professionals provide to their families, especially in contexts where generational wealth is limited. While some see it as a burden, others view it as a moral responsibility or a form of gratitude. In your case, it sounds like you’re honouring your parents’ sacrifices, which is noble and culturally resonant.
But here is the tension: your girlfriend may be viewing your financial decisions through a different lens one focused on individualism, future planning, and perhaps a more westernised notion of financial independence. That does not make her wrong, but it does mean you two are operating from different value systems.
Relationship compatibility
This disagreement is not just about money, it is about values. If she sees your support for your parents as excessive or misguided, and you see it as essential and honourable, that is a philosophical divide. Marriage magnifies these differences. If you are already questioning her alignment with your long-term vision, that is worth exploring seriously.
Ask yourself:
Does she understand your cultural and emotional reasons for supporting your parents?
Is she open to compromise, or does she dismiss your perspective?
Can you both build a shared financial philosophy that respects your obligations and your goals?
Your path forward
You have just landed a good job after years of struggle. That is a huge win. Now you are building a life one that includes caring for your family and planning for your future. You deserve a partner who respects that journey, not just your destination.
If you are unsure about her place in your future, do not rush to cut ties, but do have the hard conversations. Talk openly about values, expectations, and what marriage would look like for both of you. If she is unwilling to understand or support your priorities, it is okay to reconsider whether she is the right person to build with.
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Alcohol turns hubby into stranger
Dear Tete Joyie:
I AM a married mother of four, and my husband’s drinking habits have become increasingly concerning. What was once tolerable has now become a source of stress, as he frequently comes home late on weekdays. Despite my efforts to address this issue with him, I have seen no change. Our quality time together has dwindled, and intimacy has become the only interaction we regularly share which feels more like an obligation than a connection. As a result, I have grown distant, feeling hurt and frustrated by his behaviour.
Tete Joyie Says:
Thank you for sharing something so personal and painful. You are carrying a heavy emotional load, not just as a wife, but as a mother, a partner, and a woman who deserves respect, connection, and peace. What you are describing is not just about drinking, it is about emotional neglect, broken trust, and the erosion of partnership.
What you are feeling is valid
Your frustration, hurt, and growing distance are not overreactions. They are signs that your emotional needs are not being met. When intimacy becomes transactional and quality time disappears, it is natural to feel disconnected. And when your concerns are repeatedly ignored, it chips away at the foundation of trust and safety in a marriage.
The drinking and its impact
His drinking is not just a personal habit, it is affecting the rhythm of your family, your emotional health, and your relationship. Coming home late on weekdays, especially without communication or accountability, is disruptive and disrespectful. If he is unwilling to acknowledge the impact or make changes, that is a serious red flag.
What you can do
You do not have to navigate this alone.
Here are a few steps to consider:
Document the patterns: Not for confrontation, but to clarify how often this happens and how it affects you and the children.
Seek support: Whether through a counsellor, a trusted friend, or a support group for spouses of people with alcohol issues, you deserve a space to be heard.
Set boundaries: You are allowed to say, “This behaviour is hurting me and our family. If it continues, I need to protect my peace.”
Reframe intimacy: If it feels like obligation rather than connection, it’s okay to pause and communicate that. Intimacy should be mutual, not a bandage over deeper wounds.
A bigger question
You might be wondering: Is this the life I want to keep living? That is not a question you need to answer today. But it is one worth exploring. You deserve a partner who listens, who shows up, and who values the family you’ve built together.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
