Bullying destroys the victims

Successful solutions with Qaphelani Mabhikwa
I have lately been following stories of students, including those in primary school who have committed suicide because of bullying at school.

The latest is a teenage girl in South Africa. It is very sad that children can go as far taking their lives because of bullying. This just shows the effect bullying has on children, which we parents many a time turn to down play.

Bullying is not a primary school or secondary school problem; it starts at kindergarten. Yes, we will not believe this but I remember that my son was bullied at kindergarten.

Let me first start by looking at why some children bully others? Those kids who want to be in control or have power are prone to bullying. Children who feel lack of power in themselves will indulge in compensatory behaviour and seek this power by controlling those they feel are less powerful. They will only interact with others when it is on their terms and if things do not go their way then they may resort to bullying to exert control.

Children in school who wield power may delight in bullying other children just to enjoy the power. This is common with some children with authority for example prefects.

The power bestowed on them by the school maybe abused to take advantage of others. In certain cases, athletes and physically strong students may resort to bullying because of the power they have over weaker or smaller students.

Power is a strong motivator for kids who bully.

Sometimes, bullying can be a manifestation of social status. Kids who are popular in some facet of their lives often make fun of kids who are less popular by propagating relational aggression. Popular children may spread rumours and gossip about those they perceive less popular and engage in slut-shaming and ostracising them. This at times can manifest itself when rich children take advantage those who less privileged, making fun of them or using them to their advantage.

The opposite is true, the physically strong poor children can bully the physically weaker rich ones so that they also climb the social ladder at school or gain some social power to compensate for their poverty.

In some cases, teens who have been victims of bullying themselves look for ways to retaliate or to seek revenge.

These bully-victims feel justified in their actions because they too have been harassed. When they bully others, they may feel a sense of relief and vindication for what they went through.

Children who come from abusive homes are more likely to bully than other children because of exposure to aggression and violence. Violence becomes modelled in them and they see nothing wrong in perpetrating it on other children.

Children of absent parents have a high incidence of becoming bullies. There is no control and supervision around them and they easily become their own bosses. Likewise, kids with permissive parents also may resort to bullying.

Permissive parents are those parents with weak supervision skills on children. Their children are their friends and they cannot control them. When they bully others, the children enjoy that sense of power and control which is lacking in their own life. Children with a low self-esteem may resort to bullying as a way to cover for a low sense of self-worth. There are various reasons for children to have low self-esteem. For example, children who are not gifted in class may find an outlet to assert themselves through bullying others especially the gifted.

Idle children, children who are bored and looking for entertainment and recreation will sometimes resort to bullying to add some adventure and drama to their lives. This kind of adventure and drama brings the much-needed attention and sense of achievement in their lives.

Children whose lives are devoid of empathy often enjoy hurting the feelings of other children. They get personal satisfaction from hurting the feelings of other children. To them hurtful jokes are a source of entertainment.

In certain cases, teens will bully others for being different in some way. For instance, some children may be targeted because they have special needs. A child living with a disability can be targeted, special groups like albinos may also be targeted. Other times, some children are singled out for their race, religion, gender identity or sexual orientation.

Some sort of prejudice is often at the root of some bullying. We have read of a lot bullying across races in mixed race schools.

Sometimes, children will bully to be accepted in a clique, even if it means going against their better judgment. This leads to group bullying. To identify with a predominantly bullying group a child finds themselves bullying to go along with the group. In certain cases, the group invites them to join and if they don’t join, they become victims and it is this fear that drives that to join the bullying group.

What do you do when your child is being bullied? At times the bullying is so intense that the bully threatens the child with more dire consequences if they dare tell anyone about the bullying.

The child may even hide it from a parent that they are being bullied for fear of the threat. If the child says they are being bullied get in touch with the school immediately and make known the case. Tell your child it is not their fault and you will remedy the situation. It is important in some cases to meet the parents of the bully but through the school. I have seen this work in many cases.

The parents of the bully become part of the solution. Empower your child by telling them to be confident and assertive. I said my son was bullied at kindergarten and we tried almost everything and the bullying continued. I was almost giving up when I told my son “…next time he hits you or takes your food, hit back harder and don’t stop hitting until the teacher comes.” He did exactly that and that is how the bullying ended. I am not sure if this was right but that is exactly what I did.

When children are hiding the bullying, check for signs of sudden withdrawal, lack confidence and at times they may become lethargic. Check for injuries. Some injuries will be hidden for fear of threats. At times the little one will lie that they fell or something, be very careful with some of these falling stories.

The bullying might be so serious that the child’s walking gait changes, so check if walking gait has changed. Some bullying might be of a sexual abuse nature. Some children will suddenly dislike school, to the extent of refusing to go to school. If at all they go, the grades are dropping and concentration is poor.

For the little one’s concentration span is shortened. You are doing homework and suddenly you realise you are talking to yourself the child is long fast asleep. So, watch out for clinginess for the little ones. Clinginess might mean that “…I don’t want to enter the school” not that the child loves you and doesn’t want to leave you. Check what could be happening at school.

The older children will play truancy at school. In certain cases, they may start abusing drugs and alcohol to hide from bullying.

Some bullies prey on the children’s food. Some children, especially the little ones are so hungry after school that they immediately verbalise hunger before they even arrive home. Half the time the bully has eaten the food. Also change in eating habits for the little ones can be a sign of discomfort in the child. Watch out also for symptoms of discomfort, sudden bed wetting for the older child.

Speech problems, like sudden stammering can also indicate discomfort in the child’s life. Frequent nightmares maybe a sign of bullying.

Similarly change in sleep patterns might be a sign of discomfort in the life of a child. Loss of school property might not be loss at times. Some books are missing, you are told they were stolen yet they were taken by the bully. The hat, the jersey, the blazer are missing, you are told these things are lost, no, someone took them.

Frequent “loss” of school items is a very good sign of possible bullying.

When the child is bullied to join the bullying groups, they too become a bully but it was not their intention, it was peer pressure. Suddenly the child becomes rude, there is persistent disobedience and use of bad language. This attention seeking behaviour is a possible sign of initial bullying where the child has joined the bullies.

May I conclude by saying bullying is very serious problem in our schools and community in general. Immediate action is needed when a child says they are being bullied. I will in my next article share an anti-bullying initiative by a high school teenage girl. An interesting initiative which I would like us, especially parents and school authorities to consider.