Dangerous game

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THREE is a crowd!

Talk of that friend of the opposite sex whom you turn to for comfort, advice, update on relationship and you text each other with increasing frequency and intimacy. When he goes quiet for sometime, you really feel the gap. Some women have got such friends, who are much closer to them and seem to be competing for attention with their husbands.

If you are such a woman, bear in mind that you are playing a dangerous game. No matter how long you have known that person, when you get married, the story changes. While there are a lot of ways to screw up a marriage, having a close opposite-sex friendship is one of the riskiest and most short-sighted behaviours that commonly lead to infidelity and ultimately divorce. I know some people think that going against opposite sex relationships for married people is old fashioned, but believe me it’s not. Truth be told, many opposite-sex friendships involve people who if circumstances were different might be potential sexual partners. Indeed, many opposite-sex friendships are maintained because of a simmering attraction. One or both people are keeping their “friend” on the back-burner as a potential mate in the event their current relationship ends. This is one difficult truth to admit, but one or both parties just got hidden feelings. This is especially true of men as most times they only befriend women they have at least some degree of physical attraction to. As a woman be careful of those opposite sex friendships. They are waiting for the right time to accomplish their mission. This might be some kind of conflict, sexual dry spell, life circumstance or even pure boredom. When this happens, many people turn to their opposite-sex friends as a shoulder to cry on. Before you know it, the comforting friend finds himself kissing the woman leading to more intimate activities.

Once you begin playing those games, it will be difficult to stop. You will not have enough time to solve your marital problems as you will be having someone entertaining you. Most of infidelities start with an opposite-sex friendship that quickly becomes intense and emotional due to the false sense of intimacy involved with text-messaging. They then escalate into a full-blown emotional or sexual affair. Not only are opposite-sex friendships within marriage risky, they are a form of betrayal. When a person gets married or enters into an exclusive committed relationship, that person expects to be his or her partner’s lover, closest and most intimate confidante and priority. Of course, we all need close friendships outside of our marriage; however, there are plenty of people of our own gender to befriend.

Opposite-sex friendships can also sneak-up on people in otherwise happy relationships, particularly when the opposite-sex friend is a “partner predator.” Deciding that these have no place in your marriage is one of the wisest and most pro-active measures you can take to protect the integrity of your relationship in the long-term. It isn’t weak or insecure to do this. It takes a strong person to stand by their values and to insist that they will not have opposite-sex friendships within marriage. It takes a secure person to say, “I’m not living like this. I won’t live with the uncertainty and the anxiety and the divided loyalties.” With such friendships, you find yourself wasting some energy which could have contributed positively to your relationship. Remember in marriage, you have to forsake all other businesses and your partner comes first in everything.

Remember that most marital affairs started out as friendships. No married person woke up one morning and decided I want to cheat on my spouse today. That is not how sexual relationships get started unless that man or woman has a history of sleeping around with random people. This is not the case with most people who start having extramarital affair. They first became good friends and developed a close connection which later got out of hand. At times we all need someone to talk to about issues going on in our lives, but it should be someone who is accountable, has good morals and values.

There is a formula for love and it is very simple. It is having a person of the opposite sex + time spent together + intimate sharing. These are the only three things needed for you to become seriously attracted to someone. It potentially can happen to anyone, it does not matter how strong you may think your marriage is.

If you are one of those women who plan to keep your close friends of the opposite sex, I would highly discourage it. Most people who end up cheating on their mate did not initially intend to cheat. It is important to have a rational plan about how you are going to interact with the opposite sex. Set boundaries at work and don’t let your casual conversation become flirtatious. Stop it the moment it starts. People are going to test you to see your level of commitment to your marriage or relationship. The moment they see a crack in your character they will exploit it to see how far you will go. One of the secrets is not to share your marital problems with a close friend of the opposite sex, unless they are trustworthy and of good character. If you and your spouse had a serious argument especially if you are hurting emotionally, be careful who you talk to about it. When you share a problem with a close friend of the opposite sex, especially if this happens regularly it will create vulnerability especially for the woman and this is where attachment and intimacy begin.

Close friends of the opposite sex can be a hindrance or might be the death of your marriage. It does not matter if you knew them from kindergarten,once you get married it changes everything.