adminAnne Ruthenberg Marriage Doctor
HELLO there folks, how are you all doing? I am doing okay, I am just like many of you, trying to live my life as best I can in the economy we have. This week, I received a message as follows;
Hello Dr, how are you, please write an article on long distance love, affairs, causes, advantages and disadvantages.
Hello Reader, thank you for your message, it would have been good for you to write your name, but all the same, I will attempt to give you advice on the above matter you brought up. I am going to chat about long distance relationships and not long distance affairs. I do not support affairs no matter what the excuse is. In my mind, the only reason you would be having an affair is (a) because you want to cheat on your current partner without getting caught or (b) you have a problem with commitment and so would rather be with someone who cannot demand much from you or cannot control your movements because they can’t see them. The advise I am giving here is to two people who love each other, but have distance as a bridge between them. Before I begin, I must start by saying, do not get into a long distance relationship if you have trust issues, jealousy issues or are not sure about what you want in the future.
Long distance relationships can be very difficult regardless of the reason (education, finances, different nationality, work etc), especially at the start. It can be very annoying when you love someone, but you are separated by distance. They can put a strain on your life, test your commitment with your partner. This relationship will not work if there is no trust between the two.
The most difficult thing to deal with is the fact that you can’t see them. This is something that might hurt, especially if it is a new relationship and you want to go out and spend time with them. But you need to come to terms with this fact, otherwise your relationship won’t make progress and you will end up being unhappy. One of the reasons why long distance relationships last is because of technology. Couples will utilise as many Apps as possible. Make Skype and Webcam your very best friend because you can speak to your partner every day and see them through Video Skype every day when you feel like it. WhatsApp is great too if it is just two of you, not on a group chat.
If you love your partner, just be thankful at the fact that you Be thankful that you have a relationship with strong communication foundations and that you have someone special in your life.
Have fun together. There is no point being in an unhappy relationship. You can’t change the distance, but it doesn’t mean that the both of you can’t have fun. Watch a movie together (you could stick your favourite DVD on at the same time or watch something on DSTV at the same time and watch it ‘together’).Just don’t let the fact that you are not with each other in person stop you both from getting the most out of a relationship. Although it is normal for everyone to have their “down days”, try not to let the distance get to you. It may be hard if you miss them, but telling them how you feel and letting it out might make it a whole lot better. Always look on the positive side, at least if your partner isn’t right next to you 24/7 you don’t have to put up with their annoying habits and you get some time to yourself. Just remember, long distance relationships are what you make of them — if you make it like a “normal” relationship then it will be a “normal” relationship where you both participate in day to day couple activities.
Choose your fights. Unlike having your partner right by your side, where you can pick up your things and walk away, knowing he or she will come look for you and make up soon. Think before you speak, you do have the luxury of space between you for you to think about things before you decide to explode. It is very much harder for long distance partners to solve issues than it is for couples in the same vicinity. Although it might be helpful to let other people give their advice every now and then, remember not to let other people control your relationship.
Don’t be put off by what other people say, do what you feel is right. If it makes you and your partner happy talking every night on Skype then do it.
Don’t let other people spoil it for you, and certainly don’t let other people get you down about it.
Where would you like to visit with your partner and what would you like to do when you’re there?
Talking about the future can break the distance and make you feel more positive that the relationship is heading somewhere.
Also, its important to plan to see your partner, especially if its for the first time. Of cause it is difficult is the one partner is in school and the other working; already the balance is off. But do not worry that is only for a short while.
Try and stay busy. If one of the partners is always busy and focused, yet the other one is not; the partner with less to do may become restless and untrustworthy. So make sure that the both of you are fruitfully occupied as often as possible.
There is no way you can sing the “I am in a relationship” for long when people never see your partner. I am not saying be a reclusive person; but you cannot act like a single person just because your partner is absent.
The advantage of being in a long distance relationship is that the two of you can pursue your education or careers, without being distracted by each other until of cause you are ready to commit to each other.
I was in a long distance relationship with a musician for years, every time he would have a show, he would take his Webcam into his dressing room and make me hear all the nonsensical jokes they would be making, then he would take the Webcam backstage so I could hear the MC and the crowd screaming. Technology makes distance nothing.
The disadvantage is none of you will truly know what the other is doing or who the other is with. There will always be someone wanting to drive you two apart, but there will also always be people who support the two of you.
Also once the trust is gone and jealousy comes in; there is very little you can do except to either join your partner or end the relationship. Another disadvantage of this kind of relationship is that when it ends, the couple never really close the door, because you ended it through technology and not in person.
One day you will meet again and depending on the feelings that were unresolved at the time of the breakup, your meeting could cause much harm to yourselves or those you are now in a relationship. Those who have a failed long distance relationship, close that door shut.
Well, hope this helps!
That is it from me, until next week, God bless!
Wedding Doctor can be messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].
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