Do you have control of your destinya��?

Nhlalwenhle Ncube

AT times I wish I could have answers for my sisters who seek help on why they always find themselves in situations where they jump from one relationship to another with some having divorced more than twice.

We cannot blame bad luck all times! Some call it fate, some call it Karma.

Sisters, that is life and such things are bound to happen but as I have always said, one should play her role very well so that whatever happens, she will not regret and be haunted for the rest of her life.

I believe no one goes into a relationship with the intention of ending it on a bad note, but as women there are things which we take for granted and they turn to be costly at the end. People have different choices and preferences when it comes to giving someone an opportunity to be a part of their life. Break-ups are normal, the last thing on the minds of lovers but ita��s still inevitable due to some reasons I have discovered.

I know we have been made to believe that love is jealous, but at the same time it can have some effects on your relationship. When jealousy gets out of hand, it will make you not trust your partner and remember a suspicious mind is very poisonous!

It is better to be trusting rather than always suspecting infidelity or disloyalty. Sometimes when your partner realises that you always think bad of him he will be uncomfortable. At the end of the day, your own insecurity will create serious problems pushing your partner away.

The other thing women have to understand is that there is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment. When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention and presence. When we have excessive attachment to others, we can easily become jealous and demanding. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of insecurity; if this is the case we need to develop self belief and inner confidence, we cannot just rely on other people to provide that. Strong relationships need a certain detachment! Learn to accept your partner and do not expect your partner to give you all his time and attention always as he has got a life to live.

You have to understand and know your partner better. If he is an introvert then definitely he needs time to be away from you. Strong relationships should be able to deal with periods of separation. This allows individual expression and individual growth!

I have realised that happy couples trust each other and are always confident wherever their partners are, they are doing the right thing. You know if you think good of your partner, you will definitely have peace of mind!

You might always find yourself lonely again if you are that kind of woman who wants to be a dictator or control freak! Be that person who values the individual freedom of others. Problems will inevitably occur when you seek to dominate others and expect them to do whata��s in your mind.A� Often this takes the form of expectation where you will expect your partner to live, dress, eat what you want and at times some even begin to choose friends for them.

Often people dona��t realise how dominating they are until ita��s late. Nobody has the right to tell someone how they must live. If relationships are based on this expectation and domination, there will inevitably be conflict at some stage. The strongest relationships are based on mutual understanding and remain free of expectation.

One other thing which is the root of most relationship problems is selfishness. When you are selfish, you think of yourself first and foremost. You tend to ignore the needs of others and become egocentric. Egoentric people are never easy to live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. In a relationship, you must be willing to give and not expect to be on the receiving end without getting anything in return. True love is selfless; it is given without expectation of receiving anything in return! If you are that kind of person who loves herself most, believe me, you will always struggle with relationships. Take time to listen to others rather than dominating the conversation; be giving rather than being permanently needy!

This is funny but true. I have realised that there are some women who put their jobs before everything in life. You find someone working late always and that shows where your priorities lie. You know in life you have to make time for things you value most and not make your partner feel unloved. Make sure that your relationships do not suffer because of having given all your time to your boss!

Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of othersa�� weaknesses. A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we dona��t become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesna��t help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.