tawandamusarurwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
Dear Amai, thank you so much for your column in The Sunday Mail Society. In my family, the eldest sibling is my sister. We are four in total; the rest of us are male. We are all married with children.
My sister has been very unlucky in love and she is morally weak. She has five kids with five different fathers. Our dad used to be hard on our sister, but our mother always sided with her.
Ultimately, she became spoiled. She and her children have become a burden to the rest of the family. She is also lazy. She refused to take up a job as a domestic worker to earn a few dollars to help support her children.
At present, our mother is forcing everyone to contribute towards the welfare of my sister’s big family. She dictates how much we should each pay. We have our own families and money is hard to come by. She stays at our rural home with our retired parents and directly benefits from what we send home on a monthly basis. This issue is tearing the family apart. Please, help.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for following my column. From your communication, I can tell that your mother contributed immensely towards your sister’s downfall. She is the reason she kept on having children. Why would someone have so many unplanned kids? It is not fair for your mum to force everyone to contribute.
Your sister should accept any job she can get in order to help her children. Furthermore, I suggest she takes the fathers of these children to the civil court so that they pay for the maintenance of their children. Finally, yet importantly, push to have a family meeting to discuss how this is affecting everyone and not just you. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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My girlfriend is deceptive
I am a 24-year-old guy and I have, for the past two years, been dating a girl I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I am gainfully employed and the same applies to her.
She is 26, but I do not mind the age difference. When I fell in love with her, she did not hide that she was going out with another person.
She said she, however, did not love him as much as she loved me. She promised me that they would part ways soon, but to my surprise, they are still together.
Each time I ask her about the issue, she has a different excuse. What is bothering me is that we meet in secret because she does not want the other guy to know about me. I love her so much. I would want to show this to the world by holding her hand in public. Amai, what can I do so that she quickly dumps this guy?
Response
There is nothing that you can do to make her change her mind about this guy if she truly loves him. She has already broken the promise she made when you first met her. Two years is a very long time. Why do you entertain a cheating partner? That is what she is doing to both of you.
Wake up and smell the coffee. Why do you continue to suffer in such a foolish arrangement? Even if you were to marry her, I do not think she would stop double-crossing you. Bad habits die hard. This kind of dating is prone to violence — some people have been maimed or even killed in love triangles. Where is your pride?
You are young and full of potential. Please, part ways before it is too late. The world still has sincere girls. You will surely find one if you search hard enough. I wish you all the best.
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I have a part-time wife
I am a married man and a father of two young girls. My wife is a full-time homemaker and I am the sole breadwinner. My in-laws stay at their rural home, where they run a number of projects, including a poultry venture. They have two helpers — a male and a female — who are paid by their adult children. My problem is my mother-in-law is involved in many other activities that take her away from her home every now and then. She sits on several boards.
Each time she travels, she commands my wife to go home and monitor the projects and the workers. My father-in-law does not do much; he has several health issues. I spoke to my wife strongly about this, but she said she cannot say no to her mother and the workers are not trustworthy.
Amai, I am fed up! I have told my wife to either permanently stay at her home or be my spouse full time. She is very unhappy about my ultimatum and we are not talking. Please, help. How can we solve this?
Response
I think your mother-in-law interferes a lot and blatantly disregards that her daughter now has a family of her own. Your wife is a full-time housewife and a mother. She has responsibilities. Is she an only child? If not, then it means she is the one who allows herself to be pulled back and forth.
There is no harm in helping occasionally but definitely this should not be an everyday thing. Business is about trust. Amai has to learn to trust the helpers she has or cut down on her many activities.
This is a family issue; you cannot go in circles trying to solve it. You need to take the bull by its horns before your union is wrecked. I suggest you and your wife have a candid meeting with your in-laws.
Also invite a sibling from Amai’s side. Pour out and tell them what this arrangement is doing to your marriage. I would be happy to hear from you.
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