adminDr Mazvita Machinga
IN the last week, I received quite motivating remarks pertaining part one of this topic on forgiveness. One client said: “Your article helped it was just apt.” Another one stated: “This is an area I have been struggling the rest of my life, your article cleared a lot of things now I am ready to move on.” I am glad the article helped some people. This reminds you and me that every day we live with pain, bitterness, flashbacks and the thoughts of how things could have played differently but as you release the bitterness and anger in your heart, you are able to live with real peace and joy. Forgiving someone isn’t easy. Believe me, I know from personal experience! But I also know that it is possible. So, as I promised, this week is part two of the topic. I will talk about good tips on how to forgive. A little bit of recap, remember that forgiveness is not only a FAITH related issue; it has become a widely studied topic in the mental health clinical field. There has been a huge leap for the clinical role of forgiveness in psychotherapy and mental health. This clinical impact can impact one’s faith in one way or the other. Also science and medicine are now accepting that unforgiveness, resentment, anger, and guilt all have negative physiological/medical effects on the person.
They can produce distress and illness. Apart from spiritual benefits, when you forgive, you change your physiology and your psychology. You can have decreased psychological distress, including fewer feelings of restlessness, hopelessness, and nervousness and move on. This reminds me of Mahatma Gandhi’s words, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strongOne evening as I was going to bed, I found myself having an internal conversation in my head about someone. In this conversation, I made myself look good and the other person look bad, I had been hurt. But another inner mind said to me, “You can get a victory if you refuse to feel bitter about this person and move on. As I did that, I refused to say bad things about the person. I had achieved victory. A peace entered my heart and I felt good about myself. I feel the release of some load that was heavy on me. So what am I saying here is you must free self and move on. I remind myself that I forgive not for them but for me and that it’s easier to forgive than to hang on to so much anger, hurt and betrayal. Here are some important aspect but not exhaustive.
1)Take a step back; understand who hurt you and what their motivations may have been.
2)Recognize what unforgiveness will do – lock you in a prison. Understand Your Emotions and embrace your dark times.
3)Ask to sit down with the person. Tell them how what they did hurt you.
4)Letting go of wrongs – this is what I did. Put it behind you, give yourself a fresh start. When you catch yourself thinking about what they did switch off, say NO, I am not going to think about it. Pretty soon it will pass like clouds.
5)Sitting down, and writing about it, Cry if you have to helps , after doing this wrap it up and throw it away. Holding on to anger will only damage you and not them.
6)If someone keeps hurting you- distance self from the toxic person that keeps hurting you. The other person may not be caring, why should you feel bad about what they did. Why should you feel bad for something they are not even thinking about , if they are the ones who did wrong they are the ones who should be thinking about it not you , why should you take their punishment for them. Do not do that to yourself. Remember forgiving people is not approving their wrong deeds.
7)Every time old memories and feelings come up, forgive the person again, pray for them and keep forgiving. Use your spiritual resources to help you move on. The Choice Is Yours to forgive.
For more information contact Dr. Mazvita Machinga is a qualified psychotherapist, at 0771 754 519 or [email protected] <mailto:[email protected]> for professional counseling and mental health care.
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