adminCONTINUED FROM LAST WEEK…
Hello there folks, hope you are well. Hope this season you are making an effort to keep the peace in your relationships for the sake of all. Seriously people we are getting to the end of the year; why would you want to continue fighting, arguing, hating, cheating, displeasing and all the negative things we do in our relationships? Stop now! Let’s shut our negative thoughts off, close our mouths until we can say something nice, and make an effort every morning to do good to our loved ones starting today.
So this week we continue from last week on how you can save your marriage the second time round.
Get marriage counselling. It failed the first time for a reason. Maybe you realised that reason when it kept showing up in other relationships. Learn how to have a passionate, happy marriage that works. Evidence-based treatment for marital distress is very effective in teaching couples new ways to interact with each other. Learn these new ways well, and apply them in your new (old) relationship.
Move in after a lot of discussion. Many ‘second timers’ realise that their first courtship wasn’t thoughtful or slow enough. Don’t assume that moving in isn’t a real ‘commitment.’ Again, take it slow.
If you plan to re-marry, set a date. Don’t just jump into it, assuming you already were married so that this time it “doesn’t count.” Set up an engagement period, go to couples counselling, pick out dress (it doesn’t have to be white or fancy) and select who you will invite to the wedding. It is very important that you have a community. Acknowledge your (re-)commitment to each other. This should not be an after-thought. Be as serious about re-marrying your ex- as you were (or should have been) the first time.
Plan a honeymoon. You are building memories of your early years, even if this is a repeat. Be deliberate in where you go, what types of things you do (or don’t do) while you are on your honeymoon, and make it memorable. You have to start replacing old memories with new ones, so that eventually the negative emotions are replaced with joyful ones. Of course if there are good memories keep those; why not?
Pay attention to old fighting styles as they re-emerge, and get help right away. There are plenty of opportunities to clash, as you are getting back together: when to tell others, when to be intimate, when to move in, when to marry, etc. Recognise that even successful marriages have conflicts. This is not the problem. The problem comes when this conflict escalates. Learn to fight with each other in a way that is mutually respectful. Keep things in perspective, and avoid name-calling, defensiveness, criticism or stone-walling. Keep engaged in your fights, but keep a sense of humour. If you can’t, get help to learn how.
Make a commitment to make this new marriage your last one. Commitment is a vital pillar that stabilises relationships.
Focus on the benefits of being with this person, not the drawbacks. Every relationship has benefits and drawbacks. Remind yourself daily how fortunate you are to be re-united. Vow never to use the “d” word (divorce) again, no matter how angry you become.
And put this relationship ahead of all others in your considerations.
Last but not least
Pick out several things to do, and let your ex have a say in where you go.
Break up old patterns. If your ex- usually drives, you do it. This is a new relationship.
Take time to dress, and prepare for the evening. Try not to be rushed or stressed.
Don’t discuss the people you used to date. This can be too explosive and ruin a good time. Demure by saying “You are the only date that matters right now…”
Don’t date your ex- and other people at the same time. Respect that this relationship is special. If you aren’t willing to give up on other relationships, don’t start dating your ex. Be crystal clear about your intentions, and ask the same of him/her.
Don’t go to the places you used to go when you were divorced. Create new memories.
As a condition of dating, make sure your ex is actively dealing with serious issues that once impacted your marriage: drug or alcohol addiction, compulsive behaviours like gambling, violence between you, etc. You did not change him/her the last time. It is likely that you will not be able to this time, either. Be sure your ex wants to change, for their own benefit, not as a condition of being together with you again
Remember: You cannot change the past but you can change the future
I seriously hope this helps, until next week, God bless!
Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.
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