shloboe boe
IF you’ve been married for whatever short period of time, you already know that marriage is never just about the two of you. When you say “I do”, you also commit to each other’s parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews and nieces.
Meaning, although you are to live your lives independent of your relatives and friends, and with as minimal influence going forward from them as possible, you don’t just marry one another exclusively.
In addition, when you get married, you’re not just marrying a person. You marry their history too. However old they are, that’s how many years of history you’re marrying.
Truth is, the past impacts our present daily, whether it’s in how we approach certain situations or how we emotionally react to what people say.
There are several signs that your spouse hasn’t let go of the past, and these can manifest in how they behave in their marriage. There’s a pretty big population of people who enter marriages with insecurities around creating and managing relationships.
The following are few of the main symptoms of how past relationship traumas affect your current relationship. Overreacting
Many of us do respond in an emotionally charged manner than is justified in our relationships from time to time. However, as your spouse may put themselves in a situation of walking on eggshells, if they also do the same to you, it could be a sign from a past relationship. If they frequently overreact to little things, it’s usually a red-flag signalling memories of past relationship trauma.
If their previous partner was controlling or domineering, your spouse will likely be triggered when you tell them what to do, how to feel, or how to act.
You may not actually be trying to control them, but merely expressing an opinion. Nonetheless, the triggering may send them into flight or fight.
If they suffered emotional abuse in past relationships, it would not be unusual for conflict in the marriage to trigger an overreaction.
Emotional numbness
Being emotionally tuned out is a common past relationship trauma. Those who numb themselves to their emotions often feel as though it’s better to protect themselves and feel nothing, even in terms of positive emotions, rather than being vulnerable and — in their mind — “open themselves to possible abuse”.
Always suspicious
One of the signs your spouse is carrying past relationship trauma, is when they display signs of unhealthy jealousy and always treat you as though you’re guilty of something even without evidence.
The frantic calls, texts and even doing whatever is possible to police your whereabouts without you ever cheating on them, tells a story.
If they went through an abusive relationship in the past, they might believe you or everyone is out to get them. Trauma always brings with it the inability to trust.
It’s difficult to be in a relationship where they don’t expect to be disappointed, and they’re always looking out for that time where you’re going to trip them up. And unfortunately, this could also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. By being too paranoid, they might doom the marriage before it begins.
Pushing away
Some partners push away the people they love due to fears that what happened before, will happen again.
This often manifests as a fear of commitment, as for many this is response to the possibility of being hurt again. Essentially, they might be scared of being abandoned. They may often make demands of constant reassurances, which can be draining and exhausting.
Constantly pushing people away could also be a sign they have an avoidant attachment style, which is entering relationships that will inevitably fail, or pushing away anyone, who is right for you. This way, you never let anybody hurt you, but you don’t find happiness either.
Hang-ups around sex
Sometimes the signs might not be apparent until you’re in the bedroom. For instance, if your spouse is always feeling sexually reserved, or simply aren’t excited about being physically intimate with you for reasons other than a low sex drive, it may be a sign of toxicity from a previous relationship.
This isn’t just talking about sex in general, but also certain positions, or ways they touch you, or how they see themselves sensually. If your spouse suffered sexual abuse at any level of their past relationships, they may be susceptible to having negative emotions triggered by physical closeness or touch.
Sex will also be a trigger and an emotionally painful experience if they were made to feel as if they were physically disgusting or had no worth.
When a previous bad experience affects you to the point of not sharing a healthy sexual relationship, then it’s a problem.
Online Reporter