Online Reporter
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube, [email protected]
The low murmur of the bustling crowds danced through the air, igniting a curious thrill in his ears.
Although he had always found comfort in the familiar clamour of this lively alleyway, today was different. The sounds felt charged with an unusual energy that sparked intrigue.
Dust twirled lazily through the sunbeams, carrying with it a distinctive flavour of anticipation. Every utterance from the mouths of passersby transformed into a symphony of admiration, echoing praises that reverberated through the streets.
This palpable enthusiasm seemed to wrap around the little town like a warm hug from an old friend, infusing the atmosphere with an exciting, inspiring, vibrant, and electric spirit that made this day truly extraordinary.
In the days gone by, each morning unfolded to the confusion of vendors peddling their goods. The market square echoed with disputes, voices rising in fervent arguments as fighters clashed, amid the derisive jeers of a restless crowd.
Insults erupted from unrestrained mouths, while the dissonant cries of animals added to the overwhelming confusion, painting a vivid yet sorrowful picture of a bustling life carried on beneath the weight of strife and discontent.
On this remarkable day, a profound transformation emerged in the town, shifting from the usual discord to vibrant conversations brimming with hope, healing, and heartfelt praises.
The air, filled with a delightful buzz, was different; it resonated with uplifting exchanges rather than the typical unproductive chatter.
A special guest had arrived; one whose presence was nothing short of life-changing for many. Children gathered eagerly at his feet, captivated by His wisdom. The learned doctors of the law engaged Him in thought-provoking inquiries, while weary souls found solace and rejuvenation in His fountain of peace, drinking deep from the well of His compassion and inspiration.
As the sounds of commotion surged closer, a blind man perched by the roadside felt an instinctual urge to ask: “What is happening today?”
From the depths of his troubled existence, words escaped him—words that had lain dormant for so long, hidden beneath layers of despair.
And, in a moment of fervour, he called out: “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
Those ahead of him, annoyed by the disturbance, sternly admonished him to remain quiet. Yet, his spirit ignited, and he shouted even louder, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” (Luke 18 verse 38, 39).
The silenced sorrow of infertile men
In contemporary society, there appears to be a troubling trend where expressions of vulnerability, particularly among men, are often suppressed.
In my culture, there is a saying: “Inyembezi zendoda ziwela esifubeni,” which translates to “the tears of a man fall upon his chest”.
This implies that societal expectations dictate that men should not openly display their emotions, including crying.
The act of crying is frequently stigmatised; a man may feel compelled to suppress cries for mercy, such as, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
Understandably, some readers might interpret this sentiment as a call to foster a generation of overly sensitive men or “sissy men.”
However, this perspective reflects a socially constructed concern that prioritises traditional masculinity, which often discourages emotional expression and vulnerability among men.
This raises critical questions about the implications of such societal norms on mental health and emotional well-being, and whether they contribute to a broader culture of silence surrounding men’s emotional struggles.
In previous articles, I discussed the necessity for vulnerability among men. In this one, I want to share with you how involuntarily childless men have a silenced sorrow.
Like women, men are also profoundly affected by the impact of childlessness. While this is a reality, there is limited literature that addresses male childlessness.
Moreover, concerns have been raised over the rarity of scientific surveys on these subjects. Interestingly, research reveals that involuntary childlessness is increasingly occurring in men more than women. Male factor infertility is rising.
It should be noted that involuntary childlessness among men can also disrupt their normal functioning. It strips them of their manhood, leaving them broody, withdrawn and feeling insufficient.
In his ground-breaking work, researcher and expert on childlessness, Robin Hadley, stresses that infertility affects males cognitively and physiologically in the same way it does women. Furthermore, the negative result is complex bereavement and loss of identity.
The fear of the negative social labelling that comes with a failure to father a child may cause some men to engage in extra-marital affairs to be numbered among the company of real men. The narrow lenses of ideological pronatalism reduce a father to a masculine biological offspring producer.
This is a limited definition marred by traces of the “buried with a rat” mentality. A man becomes a male animal that is connected to the child by a sexual relationship with a female of its species.
It promotes irresponsibility among those whose virility results in the birth of children. To me, a father is one whose shoulders are broad enough to carry those who are hurting without complaining.
In African ideology, every married individual must have children. Their birth is believed to prolong the spiritual connection between the living and the dead.
In concurrence, Kenyan philosopher and writer, John Mbiti wrote: “The living are the link between death and life. Those to be born are the buds in the loins of the living and marriage makes it possible for them to germinate and sprout”.
Consequently, being childless not only cuts this connection with the spirits of the departed elders, but also makes the man groan in silence.
λ Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube is a chaplain, counsellor, marriage coach and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded. He has published several articles on marriage, spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy, and involuntary childlessness.
