Online Reporter
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube, [email protected]
DURING the 2020 World Childless Week, I sat and thought about this search for children. My thoughts wandered about in the jungle of no answers. As I was reminiscing about being a childless man, I was inspired to draw the allegory below to bring to light what African men walking in my shoes experience.
The stinging hunger pang drained the few joules of energy from Beke’s exhausted body. With his feet swollen and succumbing to the great desert heat, he dragged himself towards home.
After having travelled for a while in the dry land with no water, his mouth was exfoliating like a granite rock. His sweat-stained shirt was further contaminated by drops of blood that dripped from his cracking lips.
Beke had been told that he was so womanly that he needed to go and search for the restoration of his manliness from a renowned traditional healer. Like all men in his village, he desired to be like others.
Every man who went there was healed. Upon his return, the whole village recognised a change in his walk and a bright outlook on his face that betokened restored manliness.
It was not so for Beke because nothing had changed. Sinking into anguish, the last bits of energy left his tired body which was covered by dry and scaly skin.
He thought of the jeers, the taunts, and the insults that awaited him.
His self-talk was: “I have been stripped of all my manliness, I’m worthless, I’m not like other men.”
With a dark cloud of grief hanging above his head, he buried himself in self-doubt. He could not burst into crying for fear of being considered as being sissy. However, an inner well of bleeding was broken and springing to the drowning of his inner core. He could not come to terms with the thought of losing the envied status of being a real man.
The desert of his life presented him with a mirage of hope that kept moving forward as he drew close to it. This illusory effect caused an ambiguity of an ideal that is mentally visible but physically intangible. It induced Beke with a sense of lostness that made him feel worthless. The failure to realise the highest level of manhood was a serious drawback.
Wherever Beke passed, he saw tokens that reminded him that he was far from being a real man. To add insult to injury, some described him as cursed while others claimed that he was bewitched and forsaken by the God he claimed to believe in.
According to the village standards, he could not be accepted into the commonwealth of real men. He was stigmatised and discriminated against by most villagers.
He tried to talk about his situation publicly, but others told him to stop sharing about such a humiliating issue. For him, sharing was not only therapeutic but also beneficial to other men in his situation.
The mirage effect that hits the thirsty desert traveller is an undeniable experience in my journey. The inconclusiveness of the infertility restoration exercise makes it a worthless walk.
What others have tried with minimal energy seems to demand more energy on my part. Looking at the whole thing, the pursuit of being a father becomes a worthless walk which not only drains financially but socially, psychologically and emotionally.
Have you ever thought about things that melt men? Involuntary childlessness is a profound experience that many men face yet it often remains shrouded in silence.
Unlike other losses that may have established public mourning rituals, involuntary childlessness carries a deep internal grief that profoundly impacts the emotional well-being of men.
This pain is not just superficial, it cuts deep, inflicting wounds on their hearts that can be difficult to heal. In my ministry, I have observed that this experience can lead men to retreat into themselves, driven by a fear of societal judgment and the stigma associated with being perceived as “less than” due to their inability to have children.
This fear often prevents open conversations and can foster feelings of isolation and helplessness, making it essential to address this sensitive topic with compassion and understanding.
This has opened my eyes to see other issues that make men melt. I will share one this week, then continue with the others in the following weeks.
Erectile dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction, defined as the inability to sustain an erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual activity, can have profound psychological effects on an individual. Men experiencing this condition often confront a significant decline in self-esteem and may feel a pervasive sense of inadequacy.
This existential struggle can mirror the allegorical journey of Beke, who, in a symbolic quest, finds himself wandering aimlessly from one village to another.
In this search, he is not merely seeking physical validation, instead, he is endeavouring to reclaim his lost sense of masculinity, reflecting the deep-seated societal and personal implications of perceived sexual failure.
In urban settings, the advertisement of sexual enhancement products has become increasingly prevalent.
However, these products often lack rigorous scientific validation concerning their dosages and quantity measurements.
As a result, individuals attempting to address erectile dysfunction may inadvertently encounter additional health complications affecting various internal organs including the kidneys and liver.
It is imperative for patients facing such health issues to seek comprehensive medical advice from qualified professionals. While traditional therapeutic approaches can offer significant benefits, they may also pose their own risks and challenges.
Furthermore, maintaining a positive outlook on life plays a crucial role in the management of erectile dysfunction. Although the underlying challenges may be predominantly physical, adequate mental preparation and psychological readiness are essential components of the treatment process.
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube is a chaplain, counsellor, marriage coach and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.
