Online Reporter
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube, [email protected]
A MAN’S machismo can be so powerful that it paralyses his very being. It can weaken what he should be and turn him into something he is not.
In the previous article, I asked; Have you ever stopped to think about what torments men? I shared about the raw, gut-wrenching pain of involuntary childlessness, an experience too many men suffer in silence and it’s infuriating.
I explained that, unlike other tragedies that might be acknowledged with public mourning, this silent agony gouges into their souls, leaving scars that many will carry forever.
It’s not just a superficial loss; it’s an attack on their essence, bruising their hearts and shaking their confidence. It is in this experience that I’ve seen men retreat into themselves, paralysed by the fear of judgment and the shame society imposes; they’re branded as “less than” just because they can’t have children.
This cowardly stigma keeps them silent, isolated, and feeling utterly helpless, like they’re trapped in a nightmare with no escape. It’s high time we confront this issue with honesty and outrage.
This realisation has opened my eyes to other painful truths that crush men’s spirits.
Like childlessness, erectile dysfunction is a deeply personal and often hidden struggle that can significantly impact a man’s emotional well-being.
It involves difficulty in maintaining an erection sufficient for satisfying intimacy, which can lead to feelings of shame, low self-esteem, and a sense of inadequacy.
This inner battle can be as haunting as the allegorical journey of Beke, who, in his symbolic quest, wanders from village to village.
More than seeking physical validation, Beke’s journey reflects a desire to reclaim his sense of masculinity and dignity, highlighting the profound societal and personal sorrow tied to perceived sexual failure. Recognising this, it’s essential to approach this condition with compassion and understanding, acknowledging the emotional toll it can take and the courage it takes to seek support. Let me continue to expose other brutal realities that melt men’s egos.
Low sperm count
In the rural areas, boys would go down the stream and get a pool of water. Lined up by the older boys, they would be asked to masturbate until they ejaculate on the water.
They would test their virility by the sinking or floating of their semen. So precious was the virility that boys who failed the test were discouraged by the results.
When boys grow to be men, they have a desire to validate their manhood by having the ability to procreate. When something threatens that ability, they are crushed.
One such thing is a low sperm count, also known as oligospermia, in which one millilitre of semen contains less than 15 million sperm.
The Mayo Clinic explains that a low sperm count “means there is less sperm than is typical in fluid called semen that the penis releases during orgasm.” A man who has not tested for sperm count can continue to blame his wife for being the cause of a childless marriage.
If unverified, the in-laws can pile pressure on the wife, thinking she is the cause of involuntary childlessness.
In some cases, men who have not visited a doctor to verify the quality of sperm they produce, sleep with other women to prove that their wives are at fault. Unfortunately, some have raised children who do not belong to them, thinking they have fathered them.
While it may be heartbreaking to discover that one has a low sperm count, it is better to verify the cause of childlessness by having a test carried out.
The evolving nature of the support systems available to young men throughout different historical periods and cultural contexts poses a challenge.
In traditional societies, hierarchical and communal structures played a pivotal role in guiding boys on their journey to adulthood.
These included close-knit family units, extended relatives such as uncles and grandparents, and community organisations or elders who imparted wisdom, life skills and social responsibilities.
These support mechanisms offered mentorship, emotional guidance and practical assistance in overcoming the various social, emotional and personal challenges associated with transitioning into manhood.
Such systems often emphasised collective values, duty and social cohesion, helping young men develop a sense of identity and responsibility within their community.
In contrast, the contemporary era is marked by a shift towards individualism and personal independence, which has led to a decline or complete disappearance of these traditional support structures.
Modern society often prioritises self-reliance, and as a result, many young men now lack the mentorship and guidance that once helped them navigate complex issues.
This gap is particularly evident in reproductive health. Men today frequently avoid seeking help for reproductive or sexual health problems due to feelings of embarrassment, shame, or fear of judgment.
Such stigmas can prevent open communication with healthcare providers, leading to untreated health issues, increased risks, and additional emotional or psychological distress.
I write as a social commentator, not a doctor, and I advise that men should seek medical guidance in matters of men’s health.
A man, who has medically tested his sperm count is better than one who assumes that the absence of children is because of his wife. He stands in a better place to be assisted than one who denies himself the opportunity for professional help.
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube is a chaplain, counsellor, marriage coach and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy, and involuntary childlessness.
