Online Reporter
You Can’t Make This Up!
EVERY week, somewhere in Zimbabwe, fools seem to be contesting to see who outshines the others.
And this week, Headlands delivered a masterclass.
Meet Nyasha (30) and Gamuchirai (25) Ndawana.
Two grown men, presumably with functioning eyes and brains, who looked at their family home — specifically, the sacred temple that is their mother’s bedroom — and saw not a place of love and nurturing, but a lightly guarded automated teller machine (ATM).
If poor judgement were currency, these two would have retired early.
While their mum was taking a well-earned break from, you know, raising them into adulthood, the dynamic duo turned her room upside-down.
Their haul? A cool US$1 300 and 1 00 pula.
Somewhere in the spiritual realm, ancestors are still swapping headache remedies and face-palming so hard their ethereal hands are sore.
But crime, much like preparing the perfect pot of sadza, requires a pinch of patience and a lot of not-being-an-idiot.
Our heroes obviously skipped that lesson.
Instead of a discreet fade into the shadows, they chose an elaborate victory lap and spending spree.
Cue the montage: flashy new kicks, rounds of drinks for strangers and sudden unexplained generosity.
Shops noticed. Relatives noticed. Even the neighbourhood dogs started barking in a tone of profound suspicion.
By the time Mama Ndawana returned, her sons were not merely caught — they were spectacularly busted.
Drunk, gleaming with the invincible aura of men who think Karma is just a decorative cushion, and basically wearing neon signs that read: “We did it.”
A quick search resulted in the recovery of US$800 and all the pula.
The Rusape Magistrates’ Court then administered its classic prescription: a brisk, 10-month dose of reality.
Suspensions cut it to an effective six months — half a year — to think about life, family and why stealing from the person who gave birth to you is a career-limiting move
What elevates this case to mampara masterpiece status is not just the theft — it is the staggering execution.
If you are going to steal (please don’t), maybe do not immediately advertise it with flashy shopping, public drunkenness and an obvious trail.
There is something uniquely tragic, and hilarious in a dark way, about two adult men failing the most basic test of wisdom: Do not bite the hand that feeds you.
So, congratulations, gentlemen. You did not just steal money; you stole this week’s Mampara of the Week crown.
A unanimous decision.
