‘Heart breaks each time I think of my father’

LOSING a parent is one of the most difficult things in the world and I can never know the grief because I have not experienced it but all I can do is imagine the pain that comes with it.

Many people share about it and too many a time but it is also strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but have not heard much from them about what it is like because I always avoid the subject. It is hard to offer sympathies or understand the pain when you have not experienced it.

I am quite sure that dealing with your dad’s death is difficult, painful and sad for any person.

When you are a young person, the loss of a father is extremely difficult because you are losing a mentor, the person who was meant to help guide you through many stages of growing up. It may feel as if the loss of your dad has taken away the person you are inside, has removed a piece of yourself that was integral to making you the person you are.

The sad thing about heartbreaking experiences is that they do not come with a manual or a guide to deal with the pain and therefore we tend to handle our heartbreaking moments differently.

This week our Hearts on Fire is on a woman who is still struggling to get through the loss of her father.

No lost romantic love in my life compares to the heartbreak of losing my precious dad in March 2013.

It was a phone call from my sister asking to talk to my husband. I sank to the floor in the dining room with my hands on my face waiting to find out what happened.

My husband came over and gently put his hands on mine and told me that my dad had died in an accident. It was sudden and right there I lost a part of me and I still wish it was all a dream. I still have days and weeks when it is just as painful as it was three years ago, and I still have moments that make my head spin.

There are several things, in particular, that almost always trigger one of these moments and force me to quite literally say hello to my grief as if it is still fresh.

I will be very honest with you my heart breaks each time I think of my father and it sometimes gets so bad that I cry uncontrollably and cannot sleep at night so much that my husband does not know what to do or say because he still has both parents.

There are times that I feel completely and amazingly alone and they strike from out of nowhere, and they hurt so bad that it feels as though my heart has been ripped from my chest. Sometimes the feelings are compounded by other losses, other disappointments, that tear at me over the years I have never been able to handle disappointment.

There are people you think or hope you can count on and then there are people you know you can always count on but there are times when it feels right to go through the pain alone because you are the only one who knows the pain.

When I lost my father, I lost my biggest supporter, the one I knew I could always count on. I lost the person who, even when I made mistakes and took serious and sometimes boldly wrong turns, waited patiently for me to get back on track.

He did not ask when, he just seemed more relaxed when I was back on track and then I knew that I was, in fact, on firm ground.

He was always ready and available to talk to.He was the only parent I knew since my mum passed on when I was too young to understand what death was.

Losing a loved one can never be easy, even if you have a strong support system you just have days when it hurts so bad you would do anything just to make the pain go away but it is not that simple because the pain remains tattooed to your heart.

After you experience death, the kind of death where everyone is thinking of you for two weeks and then they go on with their lives (as they should), you are still sitting there wondering what has just happened and if it is really real.

The kind of death where you suddenly have to readjust your life, your present and your future and live a new “normal” life without your first love, yes, my dad was my first love and more.

The kind where there is one less person there. The kind where one of the few people you truly loved and trusted in the world is just gone. This kind of death will show you true heartbreak and that is what I am still experiencing years on.

I have dated before, been in relationships, broken hearts, had my heart broken, lost a best friend, but this heartbreak is different. It is beyond what I ever experienced all my life and sadly it will not go away, it just stays with me and refuses to leave.

This heartbreak is the kind where your whole being just shatters into a million pieces that can never be put together.

Where you are supposed to just understand, accept, and continue life knowing that you are no longer whole.

A part of you is gone and it will never come back, I have searched for that part of me I lost when I learnt about my father’s death but I still can not find it. And that part will never be there again.

Sometimes I feel like I will never be able to be hurt again. Like no one will ever truly be able to break my heart again.

I have felt that pain and I have survived it and anything else that comes my way is a speed bump that I will recover from much easier.

Sometimes I look into the mirror and I can not recognise the woman in the mirror, a once happy, full of life woman surrounded by grief and sadness. I am completely lost under wave after wave of crushing sadness and I have no way of getting out.

If you had told me before my dad died that I would feel like this, I would have laughed and thought you were crazy, but here I am years after my father died, at 30 years old, struggling to find happiness in my life.

When the heartbreak strikes at its worst, I can not make myself get out of bed and I fake being sick to stay at home and not have to take my heavy self to the office. I decided this was my own battle to face and I want to be alone when I go through it and my husband has accepted it.

I wish people shared more the things they go through when they experience happy and difficult times. By reading what other people have been through and being able to relate to it no matter how different we are helps.

So many things we go through are just a normal part of this journey and sharing those things and having people share them with you helps you along the way.

Losing my father when I was at the ripe age of 27 was one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with. Being able to share with you all has made it just a tiny bit easier. I hope someone out there finds solace in relating to my experiences.

I wish most of all my dad was still here and had not been robbed of his life. He was an honest man, genuine, hard-working, intelligent and funny; and a man who put his family first above all else. He deserved to be able to reach retirement age and grow old gracefully with my mum, enjoying his family and his passion for tinkering in his garage.

Open your heart to the possibilities of new beginnings and more joy by sharing your heart-breaking stories; email [email protected].

Till next week, let’s keep talking.