Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
From time to time I come across relationship scenarios, discussions or situations that inspire me to revisit a topic previously touched on.
And to ease into this week’s topic, I have a question for all, not just the singles: In the quest for lasting love, is it ever possible to meet someone who checks all the boxes in your experience?
What does/did your partner qualities ‘list’ look like?
Whether there truly is someone who “ticks all the boxes” depends a lot on which boxes and how many we are looking at.
If we are honest, the longer the checklist, the more it starts to resemble a fantasy blueprint than a real person. Show me your list and I will show you a person that is ready for love or one who is in for a long, probably futile wait.
To help with the selection process for a relationship that actually lasts, and not a fairy tale, consider these:
Prioritise the “non-negotiables”
Core values: Do they align with your beliefs about family, honesty, faith, or ambition?
Emotional and physical safety: Can you be your full self with them, even on the messy days?
Do you feel free to tell them anything and know you are safe?
Life goals: Not identical, but are you heading in complementary directions?
Loosen grip on the “nice-to-haves”
Must they be a specific height, have the same music taste or love hiking, if you do?
Must they love the food you love?
Those things matter — but probably less in the long run, than whether this person makes you feel understood, safe and seen.
Choose growth over perfection
Instead of asking “Are they perfect?” try “Can we grow beautifully together?”
Sometimes, the person who sticks is not who you imagined, but who surprises you with their ability to evolve and love you deeply, day in and day out.
Here is a thoughtful breakdown to help you dive into the dating maze with clarity and confidence: They say one can never be too careful. I agree.
And indeed there is no “one-size-fits-all”, each relationship has its own merits as I have often said. So though preferences vary from person to person, think on these:
Red flags (proceed with caution, or… do not proceed at all)
These are signs that might indicate deeper issues or patterns of unhealthy behaviour:
Dishonesty: Lies often, even about small things—trust erosion usually starts subtly.
Substance abuse or addictions: Especially if they are not seeking help or in denial to that there is a problem.
– Disregard for boundaries: Pushes you to do things you are uncomfortable with, without consideration for your feelings or views
Excessive jealousy: Treats your independence like a threat, even your interaction with peers, friends, colleagues, business associates or clients.
Avoids accountability: Blames everyone else for their problems or mistakes.
Inconsistent communication: Hot and cold behaviour that keeps you anxious or guessing.
Bread crumbing.
Lack of respect: Interrupts you, dismisses your feelings, or belittles your opinions.
Control issues: Tries to dictate how you dress, who you see, or what you do.
Anger issues: Temper tantrums that threaten your safety
Lack of empathy: Struggles to understand or care about others’ emotions.
Past relationship chaos: Every ex of theirs is “crazy”—this might be a pattern, not just bad luck.
“Nice-to-haves” (green flags and relationship ‘gold’”) These are signs of someone who could make a great long-term partner:
Emotionally available: Shares feelings openly and makes space for yours.
Sense of humour: Laughing together is underrated but vital.
Growth-oriented: Willing to learn from mistakes and committed to self-improvement.
Supports your dreams: Encourages your goals and celebrates your wins without allowing jealousy or ‘completion’ to rear its ugly head
Values similar to yours: Alignment on the big stuff (faith, family, money, life direction).
Respectful disagreements: Can argue without disrespecting you.
Integrity: Keeps their word, even when it is inconvenient.
Good listener: Not just hearing, but really trying to understand you.
Shared fun & intimacy: Physical, emotional and mental compatibility.
Secure attachment style: Does not play games or create unnecessary drama.
This is not to say you go into dating with your emotional armour on, scanning for red flags before you have even given love a chance.
And honestly, I get it—heartbreak can teach you to be cautious, but sometimes that caution turns into self sabotage and hyper-vigilance, which makes it hard to spot the good when it is right in front of you.
Sometimes the biggest green flag is how someone shows up consistently over time, not necessarily how dazzling they are on date one. If you flip the lens and start intentionally looking for green flags, you start to appreciate those calm, steady traits—like someone who is a safe space when life gets messy, or who keeps their word without needing to be asked twice.
So let us hold both caution and openness. After you have been hurt (and I can totally relate!), it is easy to believe that protection means walling yourself off.
But I reckon real strength is learning to love again without pretending you were never wounded. Caution does not have to mean suspicion—and openness does not have to mean naïveté either.
A few tips so you can enjoy the love that is right in front of you, or the love that awaits:
1. Heal as you hope
Before you open up to someone new, know where your scars are, it helps you explain them, protect them, and recognise someone who will handle them with care.
2. Keep your standards, not walls
Caution is about boundaries, not barriers. You can ask questions, move slowly, and protect your peace without being paranoid
3. Be curious, not cynical
Openness is rooted in wonder. Let yourself be surprised by kindness again. Ask: “What if this time is different?” Notice the small things: a thoughtful text, a call, a consistent effort.
4. Share in strokes, not splashes
Think of vulnerability like watercolour—add layers slowly.
Reveal a little more of yourself as you see they can hold it gently.
5. Stay open to joy—especially yours
Your life is not on pause until someone shows up. Go to conferences, attend that art show, dance, laugh. When you live in joy, not fear, you naturally attract people who resonate with your light.
The right person will not be scared off, by your standards—they will (or should) rise to meet them.
And when your openness is met with tenderness instead of harm, you will remember why love is worth the leap.
I would love to hear from you on this, your experience,views or just insights
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