malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
How are you, Amai? I am a married woman aged 39 and my husband is 40. We are blessed with three kids. Last year, the grapevine was awash with news that my husband had an affair with a single lady from our neighbourhood.
I asked my husband about it and we ended up in a fist fight. I wanted to go and confront the lady, but he threatened to send me packing if I ever did such a thing. I was hurt.
As if that was not enough, the lady now has a baby. The boy is a spitting image of my husband, but he denies any involvement with this woman.
Some of my good neighbours have offered to confront this woman privately without my husband’s knowledge. Amai, do you think this is right? What must I do?
Response
I am fine, thank you. As much as I may sympathise with you, the law has its own dictates. The grapevine is not a credible source of information. Looking alike is not conclusive; only a DNA test can give you correct results.
Your story lacks tangible evidence; that is perhaps why your husband threatened you. The people you are referring to as good neighbours will get you into big trouble. Please stop them from doing anything foolish. You cannot accuse your husband in the absence of anything conclusive.
Do not get me wrong, all I am saying is, if only you had tangible proof of what you are alleging, your story could be different and could be addressed legally.
My advice is, for now, please hold your horses and watch out if something tangible or actionable presents itself. If the boy is really his child, chances are high the other woman will make the first move by legally sanctioning him to take care of his offspring.
It is an inescapable fate. Please stop abusing each other physically as heated disputes often spill out of control and can lead to loss of life. Rope in those close to you, like church mates or elderly relatives, to ensure you stop fighting.
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Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Hello Amai, I am a 37-year-old single woman who is degreed and self-sufficient. I have been dating a 38-year-old guy for the past two years, but my parents have no kind words for him. They say he is uncultured. Several of his colleagues are of the same view. I am aware of this side of him, but I try as much as possible to ignore it.
He is the only guy I have dated so far who talks about his wish to settle down and get married.
I am dying to tie the knot; marriage is really the way to go. I wish I could rush him, but he is not the type who gives in to pressure. Our two years of dating have been marred by several breakups. Each time this occurs, he is to blame. Amai, please help. Do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?
Response
Thank you very much for reaching out to me. From my perspective, it seems all you want is to get married, no matter how many twists and turns you must endure. Your relationship lacks understanding. The number of red flags is alarming. The best marriages are built on true love. You need to work on your relationship.
I suggest seeing a professional counsellor. What changes would you like to see in him? What uncultured traits does he exhibit that both your parents and his own colleagues are concerned about?
When does he plan to marry you? Once you get to the root cause of all these questions, you can make an informed decision. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Do not rush to get into it. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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My spouse is selfish
Dear Amai, I hope you are well. I am a middle-aged man and I am married to a woman of the same age.
She is my childhood sweetheart.
We are blessed with a set of twin girls who attend primary school.
We are both gainfully employed, but my wife is secretive about her earnings. I am not even sure of how much she earns.
As far as I know, the bulk of her money goes towards the purchase of her personal things like designer perfume, jewellery and clothes.
She does not spoil her twins as most mothers would do.
Our girls only get something when there is real need.
My younger sister, who is based abroad, thinks more of our children and caters for their needs than their own mother.
If I ask about her salary, she takes offence, yet she enjoys budgeting my money to the last cent.
Amai, how can I set her straight?
The only time she volunteers to run around and use her money is when her friends come over or when we have visitors from her side of the family.
Response
I am well and thanks for asking. Your wife appears to be a self-centred person. You are not united as a couple. You must budget together. Finances are critical when it comes to running a functional household.
I suggest you have a candid talk with your wife and both declare your earnings, and map a way forward together. Her lack of full disclosure makes it hard to plan.
Scenarios such as this are among the main reasons people are encouraged to go for premarital counselling. If you skipped this stage, it is never too late to opt in.
Children are precious gifts from God. Both parents should participate in the upkeep and welfare of their children. Use these precious moments to bond with them while you can. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
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