Sundaymail Editor
I am 32 years old. I got married as a second wife at a tender age. I am now a mother of two children and I have been married for 10 years. We have a good rural setup. We have a modern home, electricity and running water. The first wife has three adult children who are all married. Our relationship is not the best, but we accommodate each other.
Last month, my husband invited his first wife’s close family members and sincerely apologised to them for having made Maiguru part of a polygamous union. He offered to give her two cows and whatever else she may request as a way of apologising.
What took me by surprise is that he promised to be faithful to her and stop the marital relationship between us immediately. He promised to continue to look after me and the children at the homestead. I have a three-bedroomed house there.
The second option is we can relocate and he will still look after us. He said the 10 years were a burden, although he did not show this openly. He further said he cannot continue to live this way anymore.
It all started when my family forced him to marry me when they found him flirting with me at the shops back then. I thought we had settled down and bonded well, especially after the birth of our children.
True to his word, he now stays with his first wife full-time. Where do I go from here? How do I handle this? Please help me.
Response
I am sorry about the recent developments that took you off-guard. I think the way it all started was rather thoughtless. If you were 22 at the time and he was interested in you, you had a right to choose whether you wanted to become part of his family or not.
Your parents meddled and got you into a very tricky situation. I feel you and your husband never had a choice in all this. It is hard to fight in a situation where your husband is openly letting you know he is not interested in you.
He also wasted your time by not being true to himself. I think you need to accept his offer to move you elsewhere and have him cater for you there. You need counselling to help you go through this rough phase.
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Mother-in-law
conned me
I am a 24-year-old woman married to a man of the same age. We are both degreed and gainfully employed. We tied the knot two months ago and are currently staying with my husband’s parents. Last week, my mother-in-law asked if I had change for a US$100 bill.
I did not know what to say, although I had the change. My husband had warned me against doing any transactions with her, saying she is not honest. She nagged me until I gave in. She asked me not to wait by her door after the transaction because she was going to bring the money later. For two days, she said nothing until I asked for my money. I was shocked when she said she had put the money on the television stand for me to take.
I asked why she had not told me about it. She implied that we were only two in the house at that time, hence who else would have taken the money? I am heartbroken and scared.
I complained to my husband, who said he was not part of this because he had warned me in advance. I should not have given in. The money was for my personal upkeep, so is there any hope of recovering it? What does this mean, Amai?
Response
Your mother-in-law appears to be quite a character. She is not honest and your husband is well aware of this. That is why he warned you. You need to approach him again and apologise for not listening to him. You should also let him know your heart was in the right place.
Try to make him find a solution to this predicament. After all, he knows his mother best. They say once bitten, twice shy. Try to refrain from getting into similar scenarios in future. Family and money do not always mix.
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Parents headed
for divorce
I am a 20-year-old woman and I study at a local university. My brother, who comes after me, is doing O-Level. Our parents are great and we feel blessed to have them. My parents are inseparable. Recently, my mother let me in on a secret that is literally killing me.
I cannot even concentrate on my studies. I also cannot tell my younger brother about it. She told me that for the past two years my parents have been contemplating divorce and they sleep in separate bedrooms in their wing, although they still remain friends.
They have kept it a closely guarded secret. I want them to reconcile. It is unfortunate my mother refused to tell me why they had this fallout. She says since I am the elder child, she told me in order to prepare me for the breakup. Amai, what is your take on this one?
Response
I am sorry about what is going on in your family. Your parents have gone to great lengths to try to make everything appear normal. Now that the cat is out of the bag, you can encourage them to take all of you for family therapy so you can come to terms with what is happening.
There is need to identify channels that can be used to bring about reconciliation. I believe this will also help you and your brother. The last thing you would want is for the issue to affect your academic performances. Who are your parents’ trusted friends and relatives?
How can you engage them on this issue without ruffling your parents’ feathers? It is a huge burden for a child. You should make sure you try to do all it takes to get a grip on what is happening. You can continue to contact me for advice along the way. It shall be well.
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