I hate him with every fibre of my being!

WHEN you have only been with one person, loved that person to the core, and believed that person to be your soul mate or your forever after or forever always, and events suddenly take a twist only you can express your feelings.

Yes, tears. Yes, sorrow. Yes, seclusion. Yes, withdrawal. Yes, not wanting to get out of bed, Yes, not forgiving.

It is all okay because as people we are different. We hear so many horror stories that break our hearts as we read this column. We share these stories, not to elicit public outrage that has no meaningful impact, but to sensitise people to the plight of members of our community. It is my utmost desire that people are more mindful of how their decisions may be hurting others and also I hope that, through shared experiences that we can reduce the number of sad stories and find more uplifting experiences in any relations. Today’s Hearts on Fire story shares the heartbreaking story of a woman who was left with more than she bargained for from someone she loved and opened herself to.

I am writing openly about this, years after my diagnosis because finally I got a place to pour my heart. My whole world changed, a part of me escaped from my being. I will not write much about my child because she is not the reason my heart breaks and hurts, so my focus will be on the man who deceived me and left me with a lifetime sentence.

I hate him with every fibre of my being! I can not even stand the thought of him. I am so angry at him and what makes me even more angry is that I am not his first victim, apparently he goes around infecting women with this virus and he leaves them. I only knew of his ex-wife when I tried to tail him after he had vanished into thin air, he never told me he was married before me or that he had children.

I know people always tell me to forgive him because I can not change what has already been done but I am sorry I can not forgive this man because he took my life away. I can not forgive him for what he did to me and my heart aches by merely thinking about what he did to me because what he has given me will never go away. I do not think I will ever have another relationship because I can not trust anyone and I can not forgive myself for being so trusting.

How can I ever trust another man?

I remember the exact moment that I became pregnant, and although unplanned (we were waiting for our “wedding” first). I had never been so happy until months later when I went to see a doctor and he advised me to do all the necessary check-ups and tests as routine. Knowing myself and that this was the first man I had ever been with I agreed to test for HIV and little did I know I was in for a surprise and life changing fact.

When the doctor told me that we needed to discuss my results, I already knew there was something wrong with me but I did not for once think of HIV. He was busy with “work” and could not be there when I got the tests done.

The doctor had said it was important for him to test as well and be present for the news he had to share. I called him and told him he needed to meet me at the hospital and he told me he was coming but he never arrived.

Seven years have gone by, and I still have not heard a word from him. It turned out I did not know much about this man when a friend told me his past. I tried to take full responsibility for my infection with HIV but I still could not stop feeling so angry with him, particularly when I subsequently found out that he was believed to have given HIV to an earlier wife he had married and walked out on her, leaving her with two children and HIV to take care of.

I was numbed by the results, but his disappearance was even worse than learning I was HIV-positive. We had lived together for three years. I was surprised when I found out I had HIV, because when I agreed to do the test I had all the confidence in the world. I had never been with a man and I had done things the right way, I stayed away from boys right through my schooling years and had met this man when I was working and independent.

He promised me the world and I gave in to unprotected sex because we had formalised things with my family. I was too much in love to care about meeting his side of the family as I only knew one uncle that he had introduced me to and he always had stories when I was supposed to meet his side of the family.

When he disappeared on me I could not trace him. He changed his numbers and quickly moved on. I pray to God everyday that he did not pounce on another unsuspecting woman.

This numbness gradually changed into anger. It was quite unlike any anger I had ever felt before and quite literally it consumed me. There were two focuses for this anger. First of all, there was myself. My diagnosis with HIV provided an opportunity to beat myself up for being blind, I was a fool to believe all he told me without any doubt. Most of all I was furious with the man who gave me HIV. Up until I met him, I had taken excellent care of my health. I had never even had the most minor of sexual contact. We used condoms the first few times we had sex, but at some point as people who were staying together and had formalised things we got comfortable and stopped.

I know that people reading this will say, “well, you should have continued” but before you pass judgment, ask yourself have you ever been influenced into doing something you have subsequently regretted against your better judgment? Well, we had unprotected sex not once, but many times. I even initiated some of it. The sex felt good and I believed it was strengthening our physical and emotional intimacy as I believed every word he told me and practically I was his “wife”.

My feelings of betrayal and anger were intensified by a kind of righteousness I can never explain, I wanted this man stopped before he could give HIV to somebody else and ruin their life. The intensity of my anger was overpowering, indeed for about a year after finding out I had HIV it was this anger rather than anything HIV did to my body that affected my health and quality of life.

I contemplated suicide too many times but the only thing that stopped me from committing suicide was that I could not bear the thought of my mum’s shut down because I am all she has and she invested her all in me and so if I had taken my life I would have taken two lives with me. I thought, If I do not die, what do I do with myself? If I do not die, how do I tell the world that my life has taken a different direction? How do I tell my family there is no wedding, no him and that my life had taken a completely different direction?

The only way to face these challenges was to keep my HIV status to myself and not let the world know what was happening in my life and till today only a few people know why he left.

Love and trust add the spice of happiness to life so open your heart to the possibilities of new beginnings and more joy by sharing your heartbreaking stories. email [email protected], till next week let’s keep talking.