malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 30-year-old woman and I have been going out with a man of the same age.
We are madly in love and have been dating for six years. I have tried to talk to my partner about how good it would be for us to officially get married.
He categorically said he does not believe in marriage, although I am the love of his life. He says he just wants me to be his partner. I do not understand him at all.
He is faithful and loving. I even have my own set of keys to his apartment.
Our families are aware of our relationship and tete, my father’s sister, has been asking why we are not doing the “correct thing”. We are both degreed and gainfully employed.
Amai, how do I make this guy see sense? He is the only one I have feelings for and in our culture, marriage is the only permissible way for two people to live together as man and wife.
Response
Dear writer, thank you very much for writing in. I am very well. Thank you for asking. You sound like a very good couple on paper. Dating for six years is quite a long time.
From my point of view, it seems you are two different people with different objectives, although you are deeply in love.
I suggest you go for professional counselling and see if something tangible can manifest from this. If your partner remains adamant and you feel strongly about marriage, the only way forward would be to move on.
At times, it is not worth wasting your time when you know the answer. Time is money and many other things change as you grow. It will not be easy to flush six years down the drain but at times that is the way life goes. Please, keep me posted.
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Is hubby in love with maid?
I am aged 24 and married to a 25-year-old man. We are both gainfully employed and blessed with a six-month-old baby boy. We are still a young couple. I do not know much about motherhood; each day is a learning curve. I was on maternity leave when I asked my husband to look for a maid and he did. She is of my age and very good with the baby and household chores.
She seems to like my husband more than me because they talk and laugh. I talked to some of my colleagues at work and they laughed at me.
They called me a fool for letting my husband look for a maid of his own choice. It seems they suspect something is going on between the two. Amai, now I do not know what to do. Should I send the girl packing? Each day, they ask if the girl is still around. Please, help.
Response
Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. From your communication, I can tell you are a stable couple and working well as a team. Each marriage is unique and you have to figure out how best to run your household.
It is also about trust. It is not a rule that only the wife has the duty to look for helpers.
At times, consulting too much is not healthy at all. You discussed how you got your maid and people gave their different opinions and all of a sudden, this has badly affected you. Why should you fire a helper who is good with the baby and household chores on mere speculation? What has she done wrong? Remember, it was through your permission that your husband looked for this maid. Why do you want to act as if this was done against your will?
Do you want your husband to ignore your maid? Please, do not be gullible or insecure. Do not be suspicious because, in most cases you see what is in your mind. Until you see actual signs of smoke, there is no fire burning here. Enjoy your marriage and family. I wish you all the best.
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I am in a tight jam
Dear Amai, I am a 45-year-old woman married to a man two years my junior. We were blessed with four kids. Both our parents are retired.
We all stay in the same city, but in different locations. I bought my mother a set of winter jerseys, a woollen hat and scarf.
I showed my husband and told him that I would also buy for his mother when I got the money. He asked when I was likely to get the money.
I kept quiet because I had no definite date. The following day, I found the things gone.
He had given the stuff to his mother without my permission. He said: “Now, work on a budget to buy for your mother.” The verbal fight that followed almost degenerated into a physical one had it not been for one of our sons who pleaded with us to stop.
My husband has kept a register in his heart that covers the 20 years we have been together.
He recollected six times when I put my own mother ahead of his. I never realised it. I did it subconsciously. My worry is what else is in this register? I do not know what to do to resolve this. Please, advise.
Response
It seems to me you treat your parents as twins, which should not be the case. It is good to look at needs first. In my view, it would also be easy if you alternated, instead of duplicating purchases all the time.
You tried to resolve your issue and ended up having a fight, which shows that you cannot solve your problems amicably.
In this case, I suggest you go for professional counselling. Fighting is not conducive for the upbringing of children or your own relationship, so this should be avoided at all cost. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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