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Have you ever been in the presence of a couple that lacks intimacy, how the tension between them can be so “thick” in the air?
When a couple is not happy in that department it shows and affects so many other areas of their lives including work, mental health and overall mood.
Marriage is a beautiful union built on love, trust, and emotional connection. However, marital bliss also requires physical intimacy to truly thrive. In-fact, experts will tell you physical intimacy, along with emotional and spiritual connection and support, forms the backbone of a strong marriage.
This week I gave in to requests to explore the detrimental effects of couples depriving each other of conjugal rights. As a family paper, I will keep it at the bare minimum, scaling the surface, for deeper tips and practical information to improve on this subject, I do have a platform one can join, plus a myriad of experts I can refer someone to.
As I often say in this column, every married couple dreams of a blissful, long-lasting partnership, however, this doesn’t happen automatically, it takes two to tango as they say.
I have realised there is a critical ingredient that is often overlooked, causing marriages to crumble, that is, conjugal rights. A surprising factor though, is that while this issue is not exclusive to women, for some reason it seems they are more frequently accused of this act, and I hope my sisters reading this article can also help unravel this mystery. Over the years I’ve sought to find out the reasons behind this deprivation and the detrimental impact it has on marriages.
Before delving into the consequences of withholding conjugal rights, it is crucial to define and understand what they encompass. Conjugal rights refer to the physical intimacy and emotional connection that married couples share.
It is an essential part of the marital bond, providing both partners with love, satisfaction, and an intimate connection that goes beyond words. There is also the aspect of biological need that cannot be denied nor ignored.
Deprivation — A sure recipe for disaster in marriage
There are many views on this, but here’s the thing: depriving one’s spouse of conjugal rights can be compared to holding back a key ingredient in a recipe. Without it, the dish tends to fall flat, lacking the essence that brings it to life.
It can also come across as selfish, wanting to keep someone to yourself in the bonds of marriage, while not performing all expected marital responsibilities of meeting your partner’s needs in that respect. Similarly, when both partners deny each other this essential aspect — unless it is on serious inevitable grounds such as medical that you may go through and conquer together — the marriage becomes dull, strained, and void of passion.
Reasons behind deprivation
While individual circumstances may vary, some women offer reasons for depriving their husbands of conjugal rights, with some even feeling fully justified to do so. These reasons could range from physical ailments, emotional disconnection, fatigue, or even a lack of interest due to unresolved issues within the relationship. Unfortunately, I hear many complaints about this scenario, with some women saying they cant help how tired they feel after a hard day’s work, and the demands of keeping and running a home, sometimes with children to care for as well.
“I expect empathy from my partner, ndiri munhuwo, I’m not a machine you know…” is a general remark I hear all too often, in my quest to understand where the problem of deprivation stems from.
Silent suffering and the damaging effects
Many men say they suffer in silence as a result of prolonged deprivation, feeling neglected, undesired, and unloved. By withholding conjugal rights, a partner unwittingly chips away at the foundation of trust, respect, and emotional bonding that a healthy marriage requires. It ultimately pushes the other partner so far away emotionally, that it can lead to resentment and potential relationship breakdown.
Fixing what’s broken
Recognising the damaging impact of depriving conjugal rights is the first step towards rebuilding a vibrant and loving marriage. The responsibilities partners have towards each other go beyond vows and commitments; they include nurturing the emotional and physical connection through regular, intimate moments.
One way to start improving the intimate connection is to communicate openly. Discuss any concerns or issues that may be hindering the desire for physical intimacy.
Prioritise time together
Set frequent date nights or bonding activities to reignite the emotional connection. Try different times for your dates, to suit the times when you both feel the most energetic for instance, in other words be flexible to accommodate each other.
A little compromise for your spouse, “umuntu wakho” doesn’t hurt.
Seek professional help if needed
There’s no shame in admitting challenges and seeking professional help in efforts to fight for your love and your marriage. Here I’m not talking about random discussions with anyone and everyone, as that can have disastrous results.
I would advise that if you are feeling overwhelmed by this challenge, do handle matters of your household discreetly, not to literally open a can of worms by igniting gossip about your bedroom affairs. In Shona its called “kufukura hapwa” when you just open up about sensitive issues to anyone who cares to listen.
Nowadays though, we see some choosing to do this on social media for instance, perhaps with satisfaction for them, but in some cases it can have debilitating effects. So what I’m talking about is not washing your dirty linen in public,but as a couple you can discuss and strategically identify a trusted mature, well meaning individual or couple, such as spiritual leaders, to approach for wise counsel.
In addition, paid professional marriage counselling, while frowned upon by some, can actually offer valuable insights and guidance to address any deeper issues causing the deprivation.
Prioritise self-care
“Rudo imoto runotokuchidzirwa vana amai…” so goes the timeless Zimbabwean classic by late musician Marshall Munhumumwe, teaching any women who had the tendency to “relax” once married, when it came to taking care of themselves and looking their best. However, gone are the days when this was a trait identified more in women than men.
In my view both partners have equal responsibility to work on being the best version of themselves, married or not. Taking care of oneself physically and emotionally can positively impact the desire for and enjoyment of physical intimacy and I do have a whole lot to share on this topic of self care, keeping yourself healthy, and feeling good mind, body and soul.
Show love in different ways
In a marriage, you should make it your business to know what makes your partner tick and what ticks them off. It’s something I often imagine to be obvious if two people reached the level of marrying, as it helps you come up with ideas that work for both of you.
Try to remember this and be considerate towards your partner. Don’t rile them on purpose, or use conjugal rights unfairly as some bargaining chip to fix or punish them — in the long run you may drive a wedge between you and your partner till it’s too big to mend.
Rather in the case of intimacy, be creative, make it fun, switch things up in ways that you and your partner would enjoy, assuming you do know each other well and know each other’s likes and dislikes. Recognise that intimacy is not solely about consummation, but encompasses gestures such as cuddling, holding hands, or simple acts of affection.
All I’m saying my good friends, is that marriage thrives on love, understanding, and intimacy — being there for each other is part of the package, because you have made the choice to “do life” with this individual, you chose them out of billions of people. You chose to settle down with them,not to just get them off the “dating or singles market” and then neglect them in the marriage- surely that can’t be fair?
By depriving each other of conjugal rights, couples unknowingly erode the very foundation that their union is built upon. Instead, embrace the importance of conjugal rights, prioritise physical and emotional connection, and watch as your marriage rekindles with a renewed vibrancy. Remember, to love is to share, and to share includes embracing the essential ingredient of conjugal rights for a happy and fulfilling life together.
A marriage without healthy intimacy is like a vehicle running on empty fuel. Depriving each other of conjugal rights can have serious negative effects on both men and women. It is essential to nurture physical and emotional intimacy for a strong and fulfilling relationship. Additionally, investing in personal attractiveness benefits both partners equally. Finally, for those on a quest for love, remember that love can be found at any point in life.
Stay positive, keep growing, and remain open to the incredible journey it brings.
I’m all about empowering one another for stronger successful individuals & families —right from improving relationships, marriages and personal growth. Feel free to connect with me through the details below for access to more relationship materials that we can further research on and dissect together, tailored to your specific needs.
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